Every Night I Cry and Die a Little More Inside


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6. June 11, 2013

I hate you so much. Okay, that was a lie. I really don't hate you but I want to hate you for making me feel this way. Problem is, I can never hate you.


Do you know what else I hate? The fact that I'm falling harder and harder for you each day but no one is there to catch me. There's more. The fact that we no longer talk. We'd see each other like what? Once a week, yet we don't even start a conversation. And now, I'm scared to approach you... *sigh* What changed? We drifted apart and I don't know why, but we did and I regret it. I want us to be friends again, the way it was before. I want to stay up all night talking to you until I fall asleep like we used to. No one can ever make me feel as comfortable as you do and no one else has won my trust, the way you did. You're the person I shared my secrets with, someone I talked to late at night when I can't sleep, someone who comfort me when I'm scared and someone who I run to for help when I have problems. You held me when I was sad and you never stopped showing that you cared. I miss talking to you. I miss our old friendship.

 

I miss you...

 

I'm mad at myself. For always trying to be nice, for getting attached, for making you a huge part of my life, for depending on you. But most of all, for not hating you when I know I should.

 

But I want to thank you. Thank you for still loving me even if you know how much of a mess I can be, how moody I can get and how hard I am to handle. And also because you never left my side no matter how many times I pushed you away. Though remind me not to take that for granted because I know that someday you won't come back to me and I'll lose you forever.

 

I also want to apologise because I'm not an easy person to be with. I know how difficult I can get and at times it may seem like I don't want to talk to you and that I don't like you, but I do. I'll be a challenge, but that's because I can't let people walk all over me, I need that wall to protect myself. I'll annoy you; I'll ruin your day and I'm sorry. I'll drive you insane, and sometimes you'll hate my guts. But with all my bad side , I swear that I have an amazing side f me. I'll always be by your side when you need me. Even if my life is impossibly tangled, I'll try to untangle yours and listen. I won't ever stop caring about you. To be honest, I think I care about you too much...

 

Can I ask you one thing?

 

Please stay...

 

I don't feel as close to you anymore like i used too. I don't want to talk about this again but you're making better friends and I'm here sitting in the side lines and I'm just here trying to catch up with you and now I'm barely holding on to even be just a little part of your life. I understand how my other friend feels now... I can't help but feel lonely. Just stay and please don't leave like everyone else has. I'm tired of seeing people walk of of my life, and I'd be devastated if you walk out of it too. It makes me feel useless, worthless and unimportant to them. That's the worst feeling that you can ever feel. You made such a massive impact on my life, and you became so important to me and I got attached and I don't ever, ever want to see you walk out of my life. Every time someone walks out of my life, I blame myself, I think that it's all my fault that they're gone. I think and think and think of what I've done wrong to drive them away. So please. Just stay with me? I'm not asking you to ditch your other friends for me, I'm just askying you to not neglect me.

 

Thank you for always caring, for dealing with my attitude, my brattiness and my mood swings. Thank you for staying up late with me at night just so that I have someone to talk to and that I don't drown in my own thoughts. Thank you for caring and for loving me, even though you know how much of a mess I am. I love you. xx

 

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