Every Night I Cry and Die a Little More Inside


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8. July 13, 2013

Even if we may not ever be friends again, I'm still grateful that you became a part of my life. But sometimes I can't help but wish that I never came into your life and that you never came into mine. What we had was so good, too good to be true. Look at us now, we’re barely even talking to each other. It’s as if I no longer exist in your world. And it hurts. It hurts a lot. I trusted you, but now I don’t even know who you are anymore, I don’t know what we are anymore, I don't even know if I knew you at all. The friendship that we had was great while it lasted, but its gone now. I miss you, I really do and I wish that I can tell you that, but I no longer have the courage to approach you and talk to you. I miss my best friend. You’re no longer the person I knew two years ago, you changed, I changed, we changed. We lost something amazing because of something stupid. If only I could turn back time to fix things I would. But I became like this when you first left me, and here you are walking away from me for the second time and here I am letting you do it all over again. I messed things up, I really did, and now I lost you, again. I’m sorry, I really am, but maybe its for the best. But now that you left, I lost a part of me too. Sometimes, I still wonder why things happened the way they did. But I get it, you don't want to talk to me anymore. Well I hope you have a good birthday.You were my best friend and I thought I was yours, obviously not.

 

I don't know what went wrong, when it went wrong. If I could stop the time and turn it back to the way they were, I would, but I can't. No matter what, I've lost you. I lost my best friend again. Now it's like we're just pretending that everything is okay when it isn't.I lost you and you mean so much to me. But I was stupid and I messed up.

 

If you ever see this, I want you to know that I miss you and I'm sorry. I miss the days when we would just do our own little things in our own ways. I hope things are working out for you, because it isn't for me.

 

I miss you, the old you. I miss the old us. I miss the friendship that we had. I miss those silly conversations we had, those nights where we stayed up late talking until one of us fall asleep. I miss them all, every one of them. I miss everything. But the thing is, do you feel the same way too? Do you miss how we laugh to simple jokes? Do you miss our endless teasing and bickering? Do you miss our random conversations? Do you miss our late night conversations? I wrote this just to say that I miss you very much.

 

What happened to our friendship?

 

But hey it's all my fault that you no longer want me in your life and I understand why. I mean, I wouldn't want me either. So now we ignore each other and pretend that the other person doesn't exist, but deep down inside I know that it wasn't supposed to end like this. Part of me wants ti fix things, part of me wishes that we could go back to how it was before but in the back of my mind, I feel as if this is the right thing. And I realise that sometimes I get clingy and I always realise it a little too late. I don't mean any harm. I guess have fears that fuel my anxiety. I'm sorry. I'm selfish and I just want things to be okay again. Please forgive me.

 

You spent so much time trying to fix my life that it's as if you forgot yours. I'm sorry. I guess we didn't realise that no one can fix me but myself. But that's okay, I no longer need fixing. I finally fixed myself, with your help of course. I may not have perfectly fixed myself but hey, I managed to pick up the pieces and put them together, and that's good enough for me. We both let each other go, it hurts but it's for the best.

 

But no matter how rocky this friendship is right now, I want you to be happy. I want you to know how happy you made me when I hit rock both. And finally, I know that I said this a hundred times before but I want you to know how sorry I am for pushing you away when I only meant to bring closer.

 

Cheers to being strangers again and to another friendship chapter ending. I wish you the best in life, I truly mean it.

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