Every Night I Cry and Die a Little More Inside


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2. April 3, 2013

I don't know if I'm getting better or getting used to the pain.

 

I try not to fall into the trap of pretending that everything's okay, when I know that it's not. But sometimes, when someone asks me if I'm okay and I tell them "I'm fine." I went them to look me in the eye and say "Tell me the truth." But then again, how will you know that I'm hurting if you cannot see my pain? How can you understand me when I can't understand myself?

 

Maybe one day, it will be okay again. That's all I want. I don't care what it takes. I just want to be okay again. 

 

What's the point of screaming? Not like anybody's listening. Just cause I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm happy. Tired of living; scared of dying. Some of us are just trying to get through the day without falling apart. Look at me, you may think you see who I am. But you never really know me.

 

Heartbreak hurts. They say you need to get over it. But you can't. Depression numbs you from the inside, out. 

 

Broken...

 

Alone...

 

Empty...

 

Dying...

 

Numb...

 

Scared...

 

A broken heart is like a broken mirror. It's better to leave it rather than hurting yourself trying to fix it. She says she's okay, but under her smile is her broken heart. The pain grew and grew and I began to experience suicidal thoughts. I realized that life for me was at a desperate impasse. I looked at sharp objects being implements on my wrist. I'm apart. Behind my smile is a broken heart. I hate remembering... But I can't stand to forget. And I'm so scared to get close to anyone because everyone who said "I'll be there". Left.

 

Sick of crying, tired of trying, yeah I'm smiling but on the inside I'm dying. The girl who was unbreakable... Broke. The girl seemed so strong... Crumbled. The girl who laughed it all off... Cried. The girl who never stopped trying... Finally gave up. I'm so tired of pretending that everything's okay. My tears are starting to show and my smile is fading away. But I smile, because it's better than having to explain why you are sad. I should be crying. But I can't. I had to harden my hear. I don't know how to express my pain anymore. She finally gave up, she dropped the fake smile as a tear ran down her cheek and whispered "I can't do this anymore." You only see what I choose to show. And behind this smile, there's so much you don't see.  You might think I'm happy. But really, I'm not. My smile is the best lie I've got. Feel my pain, hear my screams, watch me fade. Not all scars show and not all wounds heal. Sometimes you can't always see the pain someone feels. 

 

Sick of crying...

 

Tired of trying...

 

Yeah I'm smiling,

 

but inside I'm...

 

dying.

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