Shadow's Reviews

Decided to try my own. Idea stolen from Abba13 >:3


2. Lost by Damnyoulosers

Firstly, I'm no professional, so what I say might just be how I like to read books, so don't just act on mine, do look for more comments and stuff. I'm just some random person who reads tons.


First chapter-

Nicely written, I like the way you introduce the character, the way that she cuts herself. The problem is, for a first chapter, it jumps into the story without much description of the character herself. While this isn't much of a problem, it kinda annoys me, as the reader (I like to imagine the character, and descriptions do help XD). What I've figured out from it, is that she's 15, I know a little about her past, and that she was abandoned. You say she was left and abandoned in a way that should be illegal? Why not tell the reader what that way was? There are quite a few ways of abandoning someone, and they all should be illegal. Is it worse then others?


Second chapter-

Again, nicely written, gives a nice description of her friends and how her old ones abandoned her. But how did she reach rock bottom? What do you by rock bottom? I've not read the other chapters yet, but if I were reading this, I'd be confused. It took me a few moments to work out that time had passed, as, like the first chapter, it jumps straight into the day without much indicator that time has passed. You mention Fed and George, I'm guessing from Harry Potter? Now, I've read the books but many probably haven't and might be confused at this reference.


Third chapter-

I like the way you build up the suspense, how no one knew who 'Ace' was. At the beginning of the fourth paragraph, you suddenly change to what seems like 1st person, saying resumes instead of resumed. as if Scarlett herself were telling a story. A little way into the paragraph, it says about her most hated enemy. At first, I thought this was the teacher, before it goes on to say that they were talking to the teacher, which told me differently. Maybe you could make it slightly more clear that it was another student?


Fourth chapter-

Right, so in this chapter you say about her enemy, I get that now XD I like the description in this one, also giving a bit more background and a little more description of the character. Your mention of snakebites is confusing, though. It might just be me, but I had no idea what they were until I google'd them a few moments ago. Maybe you could add in a short description, just for people like me?


Fifth chapter-

Not much to say on this one, which is good XD Just one thing- you said he held open the door, but then you follow up with she blushed every time he did so. You only said he held the door open once, not more than once. Maybe a bit of rewording is in need? Otherwise, keep writing. I love the way Ace isn't all he seems to Scarlet. But maybe try to add some more description? Remember, we can't look inside your head to see what you're thinking :P

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