Where Are You Now?

**Read Love Me Like You Do 15+ before reading.**
When Hannah and Hayley get separated, can they keep their friendship strong? Does Hayley break? Does Hannah break? How could anything go right after they lose contact with the boys, other than Hayley and them.. Hannah has nothing to do with any of the boys... When Hannah has to bring her friends daughter to a One Direction signing, what happens?

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52. Dear God...

Hannahs POV

I can honestly say, I have no clue what I was thinking as I brought that razor to my wrist. But after I felt that pain and adrenaline, I was hooked once again. It's going to be hard to not go back to them, it's all I had once. They don't want me to cut, then I won't eat. One or the other. I know it sounds like I'm a fucking freak, and I feel like I am, but I love the feeling of being in control of something at one point or another. Niall and I got in a fight about how I don't go talk to him for anything anymore. I have no clue where that came from though. He knows about everything that is and has gonna through in my life. The only thing I kept from him were the dreams and thoughts I had. He should've guessed though, Harry and Zayn both knew something wasn't right about me lately. I pretended to sleep until Hayley fell asleep, then I guess, waiting, I really did fall asleep. I wanted to get Liam and bring him to sleep with Hayley. I took his bed. Poor boy. I also wanted to talk to Niall a little bit. I know he must feel a little off about things. When I woke up, Hayley was in the shower, so I did the same. But in my bathroom. I wasn't alone though, Niall wouldn't let me. So we took a shower together. Nothing happened, we didnt even talk. How weird is that? When I got out of the shower, I picked out some leggings and wore the floral top I got with Zayn, along with the pink leather jacket. I did minimal make up and threw my hair in a messy bun. I didn't even give a shit right now. 

"Hannah?"-Niall.

"H,m?"-Me.

"Why did you do it?"-Niall. He was laying on the bed and I could see tears brimming his eyes from the reflection of the mirror.

"I dunno."-Me.

"Please. Talk to me."-Niall.

"Im talking."-Me.

"No. Come sit with me."-Niall.

"Im getting ready."-Me.

"No. You're looking for a reason to not talk to me."-Niall. Damn. 

"Ugh. Fine."-Me. I walked over to the edge of the bed.

"Babe, please."-Niall.

"What do you want me to say? I'm fucked up?"-Me.

"Youre not fucked up babe."-Niall. I lifted up my leather jacket sleeve. 

"Obviously I'm pretty fucked up."-Me.

"No. You just made a stupid choice. I promise I will never let anything happen to you."-Niall.

"Thanks.."-Me. 

"I know I'm no good with promises, but I am sure as hell going to keep this one."-Niall. I nodded.

"Please, cuddle with me?"-Niall.

"I have to go."-Me.

"Just for a little while?"-Niall. I nodded and laced next to him. He took my hand in his and lifted the sleeve of the jacket up. He lightly traced the new mark etched in my skin with his fingertips. It was kind of soothing. He lifted my wrist up to his face, to get a closer look I assume. But then, he kissed all along my cut. My breathe hitched in my throat and it went dry, I was going to start crying. He had the same glossy eyed look too. Them he dropped my hand, lightly. And out my sleeve back down. He was being so gentle and kind, like with any move he made, I could break. 

"What? Are you scared to touch me?"-Me. It made me feel like a piece if shit. How could I make him feel like this? To be scared to touch his girlfriend. I guess I am pretty fucked up. My mind kept going back to thoughts about razors, I kept pushing them away, but it wouldn't stop. The thoughts were so strong! Tears were starting to escape my eyes and before I knew it, Niall had his lips pressed lightly but firmly on mine. He sure did stop the tears. 

"Babe, I would never be scared to touch you. I just feel as though you're very vulnerable right now, and I don't want to touch you in the wrong way. Hannah, you just look so broken and drained, I don't want to push you over the limit."-Niall. 

"How do I deserve someone as sweet as you?"-Me.

"No. That's not the question. The question is, how could I get so lucky for you to forgive all the shit I have put you through?"-Niall.

"It's easy to answer, I love you."-Me.

"And I love you so much."-Niall. I smiled and looked him in the eyes. He kissed me back and then we pulled away. He went to take a shower, to actually take one, without making sure I didn't do anything stupid again. I met Hayley downstairs where I saw Liam holding Bentley, sleeping. Aw. I took a picture and we woke up. But after that, we left. We took my car. Hayley plugged her phone into the car and started blasting Ed Sheeran. We both love him. A lot. After a coup,e songs and driving to no where in particular, she turned the music down just enough to hear each other talking. So we can have a conversation, I'm guessing. 

"Where do you want to go first?"-Me.

"Nails?"-Hayley.

"Yes! Manicure and Pedicure?"-Me. She nodded. But I knew that's not on her mind now.

"What's up?"-Me.

"Just thinking about stuff."-Hayley.

"Tell me."-Me.

"I talked to Zayn last night.."-Hayley.

"Oh yeah?"-Me.

"Yeah. He's really upset Hannah."-Hayley.

"I know. But I don't want a relationship with him."-Me.

"I know. But you never really gave him a chance."-Hayley.

"I don't think he needs a chance. He's a friend. Nothing more."-Me.

"You gave Niall and Harry more then one chance. It's unfair."-Hayley.

"Because I had feelings for them to begin with! I don't have those feelings for Zayn."-Me.

"Whatever. I'm not arguing about this."-Hayley.

"Thanks."-Me. The car ride was pretty damn awkward the rest of the time, we didnt even talk once. Her music was still plugged in, but my mind was off somewhere else. Maybe she's right, I should've given Zayn a chance, but I never thought I needed to. He was never the person I thought about when I thought about guys. I have never given him a second thought to be with. Damn, I haven't even thought about giving him one chance. Although I know I'm being a bitch, I'm not going to ditch Niall to be with someone I don't want to be with. I have to talk to Zayn about it and get him to start talking to other people. Hayley was looking out the window, about to pass out. When we pulled up to the nail salon, I thought about my cut.

"um. I don't think I can get a manicure."-Me.

"Why?"-Hayley.

"My little cut here."-Me. She nodded. 

"I don't think they will notice, it's okay."-Hayley.

"Be here for me anyway?"-Me.

"Of course Hannah. Always."-Hayley. I nodded and we hugged again. We had them give us a pedicure first. I got a sparkly light green color, with a shamrock on my big toe. For my fingers, I got Acrilic nails and the same color but the shamrock on my middle finger. Hayley got a light purple French tip on her fingers and toes, she got them to do this flower or something on them too. I didn't pay that much attention. After our nails, she wanted to get some lunch, so we went to Nandos. I missed this place while I was in the U.S. that's for sure. I sent Niall a picture of my meal and got a text almost instantly. 

From: My Irish Prince <3

GET ME SOME BEFORE YOU LEAVE!

I giggled and ordered him some to go. When we left, I honesty didn't want to do anything else and neither did she, so we decided to go home. Niall almost immediately snatched his food up, but then ran back and kissed me on the cheek. He's so cute. Harry and Zayn were both sitting on the couch watching tv. So I decided to try talking to them.

"Do any of you want to go grocery shopping with me?"-Me.

"Sure, I will if you want Hannah."-Harry.

"Zayn?"-Me.

"No thanks. I'm going to go take a nap anyway."-Zayn. I nodded and went to tell Niall goodbye again. Hayley gave me a confused gaze but I just gave her a look telling her I would tell her after. I was about to grab my keys before Harry smacked them out of my hands and told me to leave them. I guess we're taking his car. Shocker. As soon as we got in his car, I plugged my phone in before he could protest and started blasting DNA by Little Mix. I honestly think I'm addicted to this song. Harry and I started screaming the lyrics. Him and I are starting to get our best friendship going again. But after the song, he looked at me seriously.

"What's wrong?"-Me.

"Im so confused, why would you do that yesterday? I thought you were okay when you went with Niall."-Harry.

"I guess I wasn't, but I didn't want to upset anyone or burden them, so I just stayed quiet. I was hoping no one would find me until after I had everything cleaned up and no one had to see me in my weak state like that."-Me.

"Whenever you feel like that again, come to me. I will stay up all night with you if I have to. It will be perfectly fine with me. You wouldn't be burdening me with anything. I love you and I want you to be as safe as possible. I didn't get to talk to you last night because Hayley stole you for the woke night, but I really wanted to tell you all this last night. I didn't want to wait til today. But I had to."-Harry.

"Thank you for everything Harry. I will come to you when I need you."-Me.

"Promise?"-Harry.

"Promise!"-Me.

"Pinky promise?"-Harry.

"Pinky promise!!!"-Me. He started laughing and I turned the music up once again. There were a crazy amount of songs just blasting through the radio. He pulled into the shop, and we both went in. We bought a lot. Harry wouldn't let me pay, so I just stood there. I felt like shit taking his money. I don't like when people pay for me, especially when I have plenty of my own. It just feels so dirty. On the car ride back, I fell asleep as he was singing Little Things to me. His voice was so soothing. When I got home, Harry had Niall come out and carry me into the house. He carried me up the stairs and into our room. He closed the door and put me in bed. He cuddled up to me and we fell asleep on each others arms. I love him. So much. When I woke up the next morning, I had the best view ever, my little leprechaun walking in the room with his towel around his waist and a mop of messy blonde and brown hair. He was honestly amazingly gorgeous. Before he could see I was awake, i quickly shut my eyes and to be as quiet as I could. He ignored it, got dressed, and left. It was really quiet. I got up and went to take a shower, but my phone started buzzing like crazy, so I picked it up. It was Justin.

**PHONE CALL**

Me: What?

Justin: Come on. Don't be like that babe.

Me: I'm not your babe. 

Justin: I can clearly tell.

Me: What do you want?

Justin: You.

Me: That sucks.

Justin: Come on.

Me: Leave me alone. Erase my number and never talk to me again.

Justin: Why do you got to be like that?

Me: Because I am. I don't want to be with you, so leave me alone. You wanted to cheat, multiple times, it's done, not going to happen ever again. Bye.

Justin: Whatever. Have a nice life fat bitch. Everything they say about you is so true. I like today's the most.

**END OF PHONE CALL**

What was he talking about?! I turned the Twitter app on my phone on and was shocked with everything I saw. Hayley and the boys mentioned me in multiple tweets, but also a lot of hate. I really tried not to read them.. But I couldn't help myself. It was there, haunting me. Taunting me.  I read them, I couldn't stop.. It was addicting? The tears were brimming my eyes, but I still didn't stop. I was bawling my eyes out. After I was almost halfway through, I heard footsteps on the stairs, I ran into the bathroom. I locked the door and jumped in the shower, I put the water on freezing, with all my clothes still clung to my body. I just sat on the shower floor and cried. Over everything. I was about to get out, until I saw my razor in the trash.. I rinsed it off and put it up to my thigh.. They wont see it. Just do it. It will feel amazing. This is the last time. After this, you can be done. It will all be over. Just get it over with. I let the voices take control and brought the razor back to my wrist. I started making marks that will forever haunt me. The scars that will never go away. After I made three new marks, I threw the razor back in the trash and layed on the cold shower floor, watching as my blood made swirls with the water, going down the drain. It felt relaxing. To be honest, I wanted to do it again. The hate was too much. I don't know how much more I can take of this.. I really don't. Then the door was busted down, the curtain was pulled open, and there stood the most confused looking person ever, He immediately started crying, but picked me up, stripping me out of my wet clothing, but stopping at my bra and panties.

"Are you going to tell them?"-Me.

"Do you think I have a choice?"-Harry.

"Please."-Me.

"I can't keep this a secret though Han."-Harry. I nodded, I understood it. I just wish he wouldn't of walked in. 

"Where is everyone else?"-Me.

"Out. I stayed here in case you woke up."-Harry.

"Oh."-Me.

"I'm sorry. I wouldn't tell them, but I have to."-Harry.

"It's fine."-Me. He gave me a sympathetic look and carried me to my room, set me down on the bed and got me dressed. He has seen me naked before, nothing really changed. Then I put a sweatshirt on. We went downstairs, where everyone was staring at us. I know what this looked like, I'm all wet, and he is too. It looks like we were showering together....

"SO YOU ARE CHEATING ON ME?!?!?!"-Niall.

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