Liam James Payne. August 29th 1993 – May 3rd 2014. Loving Son, brother, band mate and friend. Everytime Louis read the message scrawled across the grave stone his head throbbed with thoughts, could he have stopped Liam from leaving that night? Was it all his fault? Each boy had their own reasons to blame themselves, each boy had their own way of healing. This is their story of tragedy , and self pity, how will they survive without the glue that held the band together?


3. Turn Your Face

Chap 3

Turn Your Face

Perrie Edwards rolled over and wrapped her skinny arms around the waist of her sleeping boyfriend. He hadn’t moved from that same sleeping position since he had stumbled into bed the night before. She rested her forehead against the back of his neck; she was worried about him anyone in her position would be. She couldn’t recall him eating a proper meal since the accident, and it frightened her. Gone were the days when she would order take out, and he would steal half her food after insisting he wasn’t hungry, now all he did was mope, and she couldn’t blame him. His best friend was gone, and she hated that there was no way to fix it.

The vibrations from her ringing mobile phone startled her as the bed started tickling her skin. She reached down to grab it before it could fall off the edge. The light glowed across her face as the rest of the room was a pit of pitch blackness. Zayn seemed to like living in the dark lately. The message that appeared on her screen was from Eleanor, it took her a moment to remember when she had exchanged numbers with Louis’ girlfriend, but figured it must have been around the time of Harry’s birthday party. She had spent almost the entire night alongside of her, parties tended to grow boring when you were the only one not drinking.

‘Has Zayn talked to you yet? Lou is still avoiding my calls :(‘ The message read, the truth was Zayn hadn’t talked to her about Liam at all. He had just stayed quiet, only speaking when he had to. He never returned kisses, so she was glad she was living with him, the torture of having him avoid a phone call would have eaten her up inside. She couldn’t even imagine how Eleanor was feeling, and heaven forbid, how Danielle must be feeling.

‘No still waiting for that. No rush though. He will talk when he is ready x’ She looked over at Zayn who had now rolled over to face her, she dropped the phone onto the bed beside of her, dipping her head to the side as she looked over at him. His fingers made their way to her knee, rubbing her skin lightly, it brought tears to her eyes, he had hardly touched her lately, not that she was wanting him to ravish her needs or anything bizarre like that, she just missed the way he always had to have one body part touching her. She smiled over at him, noticing his tired red eyes, he looked up at her, the corner of his mouth triggered upwards into a cute half smile.

“Perrie, can you run me a bath?” He croaked, looking her in the eyes. She nodded straight away, holding onto his hand for a moment, before climbing off the bed. Zayn rubbed his eyes, trying to control his thoughts. He watched her blonde hair bounced, and the way her hips swayed as she walked into their bathroom. In his mind he didn’t deserve to have someone like her, she was too kind. After everything they had been through he wouldn’t have blamed her if she left him during any point of time.

He loved her, everyone knew that, but sometimes he doubted that she knew exactly how much. He was a walking disaster when it came to Perrie, the way he always seemed to slip up, the way he always knew exactly what to say to make her forgive him. It wasn’t fair in his opinion, and he knew it wasn’t fair in many others.

“Zayn just tell me” She had said to him that afternoon in the back of the car. He was always crapping himself in shame. He never wanted to admit his faults, as long as they weren’t spoken aloud he was usually fine, but he couldn’t lie to her face, he just couldn’t. “Perrie.” He grabbed hold of her little hands as his breath caught in his throat. “No, Zayn. I just want to know.” She cut him off with her hand. “Yeah, it happened.” He finally caved; he could barely look at her, his eyes fell to his dusty shoes as he heard her crying. “I’m sorry” He whispered, she laughed bitterly, trying to hold her tears back. “Oh, I know.” She shook her head, as she blocked her tears with the edge of her pointer finger. “You always are, and I’m the one who falls for it every time.” She sniffed, his heart sank. He thought for sure that they were over at that moment. He ran his fingers through her Mauve curls. “I know.” He whispered, turning her to face him. Her blue eyes locked with his almost instantly. “..but I love you.” He promised, resting his forehead against hers. She nodded, cupping the back of his neck, “I don’t want to break up.” She whispered, as tears continued to roll down her raw cheeks.

A tear almost fell from his eyes as he remembered back to that moment. She didn’t deserve him, but there she was drawing him a bath. He used his minimal strength and willpower to climb off the king sized bed and walk into the bathroom. The bath water smelt of lavender, it was Perrie’s favourite scent. He wasn’t too fussed on it to be honest but it was the thought that counted.

She stood up from her seated position on the side of the spa bath, her hands landed on the tops of his shoulders, her bath robe was opened a little, and of course his eyes couldn’t help but peak at her almost exposed body. “You coming in with me?” He asked with a small smile. Her eyes widened only slightly as if the question had caught her terribly off guard, a slight nod indicated that she would loved to get into the tub with him.

He stripped down to his bare skin, sliding his body inside the warm water, letting the delicate fumes enter his nostrils. Perrie took longer to strip from her nightwear. She soon dipped her toe inside the water, testing the temperature even though Zayn was already contently covered in the bubble foam. She slipped her entire body inside, moving over to sit beside him. He reached under water to grasp her hand.

“I want to get another tattoo.” He whispered, wrapping his other arm around her shoulders. She was busy scrubbing his chest with the bubbles gently. She looked up after registering what he had just said. “Oh, what of?” She asked, not understanding his obsession with tattoos at all. “I was thinking LJP, right here.” He held up his index finger, rubbing along the inside of it. “I need to do something.” He explained, stiffening up at the thought of Liam. He hadn’t once spoken about him since the funeral where everybody was speaking about him.

“This is good grog.” Niall noted, holding his glass up in the air. Zayn rolled his eyes at his friend as he could barely stand up anymore. “You aren’t meant to get drunk at funerals Niall.” He hissed, trying to make sure Liam’s parents didn’t see Niall in that state. The Irish boy cackled, as he nearly dropped the glass straight onto the ground. “If you aren’t meant to drink it then why do they have it here?” He questioned, causing Zayn to think it over for a moment.

“It won’t bring him back.” He hissed, dragging the heavy boy outside to sit on the steps. Niall rested his tired head against the older boy’s shoulder, it just wasn’t fair. Sure Niall was Irish, and he sure as hell drank like one but why? Why did Liam have to die? Was it really because of what he had said to him that night, he hadn’t seemed too upset by the news, but it wouldn’t have surprised Zayn if his poor mate had stressed over it, but was it enough stress to distract him from the road. All he knew was his last words to Liam Payne weren’t exactly the greatest. “Don’t tell anybody.” He had said to him that night. Liam had nodded, patting his arm as reassurance or some kind of closure. Liam was always too understanding for Zayn’s taste, he never once yelled at him for cheating on Perrie, he never got mad at him for trying weed that one time. He was always so calm and collected unless you had a go at his girlfriend of course.

Secret is safe with me.”

Why would he say that? It just didn’t make sense, why would he agree to keep something so huge to himself it just wasn’t normal. Maybe that is why Zayn confined in Liam in the first place, because he knew the kind boy would never spill.

“He loved me.” Niall slurred and Zayn started laughing. “Sure Niall.” He shook his head, glad for the laugh but Niall frowned and sat up to face him. “No I mean it, I was his best friend he told me.” He said seriously, Zayn thought about it for a moment, maybe they were best friends, he hadn’t really noticed. Sure he knew Harry and Louis were best friends, but weren’t they all just best friends? Why would Niall say that? Did Liam really not think of him as a best friend? It all puzzled him, it all just made him feel sick.

Perrie nodded her head, kissing the bottom of his chin gently, he rubbed the soft skin of her tummy lightly, as she looked up at him again. “I think it’s a great idea.” She told him with supporting eyes. This made his lips curl upward, for the first time in a very long time he actually thought he was doing something right. He pressed his lips to her forehead, kissing down for what felt like a little too long. She closed her eyes, enjoying his new found affection towards her.

“What are you doing today?” He asked once he had pulled away, just because he no longer had work didn’t mean she could just stay at home all day. She was given a few days off after the accident, and she was allowed to attend the funeral but being in Little Mix meant her life was still heavily demanding. The girls were working on a new album which meant she was having to spend hours in the studio writing and recording while Zayn was moping at home. It wasn’t the best arrangement but they were both living through it the best they could.

“I have a photo shoot.” She said cutely, using her baby voice, he chuckled lightly, cuddling her closer. “Is it an underwear shoot?” He asked cheekily, causing her to blush a tiny bit, “No, but I am sure me Mam would love that.” She giggled rolling her eyes. He pouted, running his hands through her hair again and pecking her lips ever so lightly. “Well I don’t know about your mum but I would.” He told her with a sly grin.

She giggled, whacking his arm playfully, he could feel her heart racing against his chest. She was always so innocent, one of the things that made him crazy about her. She was always herself around him, around anybody. No hiding behind some stupid image, not trying to be who everyone else expected her to be. He just wished he had the same kind of confidence, she was just so, Perrie...

He watched her as she dressed herself, he laid back on the bed wearing only a towel as she blow dried her hair, the blonde locks that she loved so dearly were finally long enough to fall down her back like she had wanted to naturally do for as long as he could remember. She looked gorgeous as she turned around eye liner in hand. He smiled to himself as she walked back over to him, asking him to zip the back of her dress up. He gently pulled the zip all the way shut, ending with himself wrapping his arms around her tiny waist. “Zayn, I really have to go soon.” She reminded him with a small giggle. He turned her around to face him, looking her up and down with a smile. “You don’t have to, you could just call in ill.” He suggested, not wanting her to leave. She sighed heavily, breaking the embrace before he could convince her otherwise. “I really must, but I will come home with some Indian take away, Jade has found the cutest little restaurant just up the road from the studio.” She explained, he laid back listening to her waffle on about the food, something she loved almost as much as singing, almost as much as her.

“Okay, when will that be?” He asked as she slipped on her shoes. She thought for a moment, trying to calculate the time. “Probably around five if we’re lucky.” He nodded, that was a long time, but at least she was trying, if the situation were reversed he would hate to think of what he would be like in her shoes. He was somewhat of a coward when it came to feelings, he wouldn’t know what to do if she wanted to talk about her loss.

“I will see you at five.” She told him, leaning against his body, kissing his tender lips a couple of times before she really did have to leave him alone. He listened out for her car as it left the garage. A large sigh escaped his lips but there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t going to let her ruin her career over him, over Liam in a matter of speaking.

He had to laugh though when he checked his phone only to find a message from Harry. ‘Taylor is at my house. Please make an excuse to come over...’ He rolled over against his pillows, figuring Harry would be fine with Taylor for a few hours, it would be easy after all he did survive those three months a few years back. What more harm could she do? Last Zayn heard she had been linked to Penn Badgley, an actor from America. Harry was probably safe, but it was hard to tell with Taylor sometimes.

He tossed his phone across the bed as he buried his head into the messy sheets. Thinking back to 2012. Liam had burst into his hotel room laughing his head off. He had been annoyed at Liam for waking him up from a well deserved rest, but he didn’t voice his annoyance knowing Liam wouldn’t fight back and he would feel bad instantly.

“What’s so funny?” He had asked, noticing the amusement written all over Liam’s face. He looked into Zayn’s eyes and chuckled. “Harry is front page news on every bloody news paper in the country.” He snorted, taking his phone out to reveal a Google search he had conducted on Harry’s name.

“What’s a Haylor?” Zayn asked with a frown, it sounded like a disease or something. He didn’t piece it together in time, Liam just rolled his eyes at Zayn’s stupidity. “Harry and Taylor.” He explained, Zayn nodded. It made sense, he had heard that people called him and Perrie, Zerrie but he never really paid attention to what the media were saying about him. He had just learnt not to care.

They had all been secretly glad that they weren’t the ones in the media, displayed like an accident waiting to happen. Everybody saw the end coming, probably everyone except Taylor. Liam had been there the night Harry was complaining about her accusations. “Like I would cheat!” He scoffed, sending an aching feeling deep inside of Zayn’s stomach. Harry mightn’t be a cheater but he was, and although he felt bad about it he didn’t think it was a reflection on his character. But clearly Harry did, to him it was a dirty word and in a way Zayn did agree with him, it still made him sick to his stomach every time he thought about it.

He reached back over to grab his phone, quickly shooting Perrie a text. ‘I love you xxx’ He sent, hoping she knew that already, but hoping she would understand that he didn’t mean to hurt her – ever. Somehow he was going to make it right, for himself, for Perrie and for Liam. 

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