Always There

Follow the main characters as they go on their own paths through life while struggling with their own inner battles.
Alisha Reynolds: A spunky keep-to-herself kind of gal. She likes having someone who at least acknowledges her existence. Moonlit walks and dark chocolate are romantic but too much can sufficate her.
Brandon: A proud bi-sexual, he constantly puts up face with the other kids. Meanwhile at home his family is falling apart. Still he attempts to prevail.

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6. Alisha

Dear Lord,

Or should I say Jesus? Or Christ? ****. Crap. Dang it, I’m totally screwing this up aren’t I? Ugh. Ok. Let me just start over. Please?

-Alisha.


I breathed in and exhaled slowly.

"Ok, I got this."

Christ,

I am here because you wanted me to come here. Right? I mean unless I came here on my own. I don’t know what necessarily happened today, but I am guessing that’s what I am here for right? For your guidance. For you to help me find my way in life.?


I chuckled slightly on accident (I only saw these kind of prayers in movies and I sounded seriously corny in my mind.)

Oops. Sorry. I can’t help but feel like I’m doing this all wrong. What am I supposed to say? ‘I’m sorry for the way I’ve been living my life?’ If I said that then I would be stealing from my favorite song. Ugh. Ok. How about this then. I’ll just start talking and hopefully we’ll get somewhere.

Where to start. Basics?

Ok. So I was born in a little town in Virginia. Suffolk, Virginia to be exact. I have no siblings. I sometimes wish I had some. At least life wouldn’t be so lonely right? Maybe I’d be annoyed, would I? Is it safe to giggle because I really want to again. I mean come on you have to admit that the stereotypical sibling relationship is kind of funny when you look at it from a single child like me.

No? Ok then. Continuing. I didn’t know my mother that well. I mean she left me at a young age. If she’s up there with you can you ask her what I did wrong? Why did she leave me? Was I a bad child? Did I do something wrong? Where do I even begin?

I feel like maybe if I was a better daughter then I would have that one special mother, MY mother, to talk about those girly feelings with. The days when I really needed help. To have that one special mother who understood what my period was. Geez that was scary. I mean I was only nine when I thought there was something medically wrong with me. Way to let me struggle one more year before I found out from my middle school health class that it was my actual period.

It’s funny how I basically learned all the things a girl needs to know on my own. I mean of course you were there too, but until today I never really considered you. I mean no offense or anything but I just never really thought you existed.


A small grin replaced one that came from sorrow.

I know my father has done his best trying to care for me. I guess I need to give him more credit huh? It's kinda hard to do though, seeing as we don't really see eye to eye. Obviously there is the gender difference of me being female and him being male, but that's not the only thing distancing us these days.

Ever since my mom left, he's been kinda down in the dumps-more than me. It's kinda complicated I guess. Not much to say. I mean we both have our own ways of dealing with the loss of not having her around. I take it and shove it into the piles of crap- I don't really know any other words to use since I don't think I'm allowed to cuss- that I usually do my best to ignore. He, however, I worry about my dad. He goes off and gets drunk and then comes home and then just blanks out.

Sometimes I swear he doesn't remember that my mom left. He'll come home and call out for her, cry her name. As if she just left that day or night. He just searches. Unfortunately that search is one he'll never win. Eventually he would just scream and scream.

I would just go to my room during these moments. Maybe if I had come to you sooner, then I would be in a healthier emotional state? I guess that's possible, but I- I guess it's because I never had that real true family that I never got that chance to go to church. To understand and meet you? I don't know.

My life is just one whirlwind of crazy and psycho isn't it? How else am I supposed to describe it? I was left by my mother at a young age, my father becomes drunk, and I go out kiss my best friend. A week later I go out and give away my virginity to a summer school teacher, who by the way is drop dead H.O.T., but that's beside the point. The point is I didn't really know him that well.

I left just like I should. Was a good girl for two minutes right? Doesn't change the fact I did what I did. Nothing does. Jees, I wish I never did that. I mean how much more idiotic could I be, can I be?

Yea. The dreaded desire for any teenager. The one thing you wish for us all to not do till we're married. I get it. I do. Sex. It's the worst sin to commit. Something that should be saved and treasured with the one you truly want to spend the rest of your life with. I totally understand, but I don't know what happened.

There are so many questions I have. I just don't know how to phrase them correctly. I don't know where to find the answers either. I am completely and utterly lost. Where do I go? Who am I? Could I ever live like an innocent teenager again? Can I ever forget the horrid memory of today?

I guess my main question to you would have to be... Can you forgive me? Ha, yea. Here I am, the most impurest girl of all. Never once came to you for help before. Ignored the fact you existed all my life. Yet, I am asking an invisible unknown force which is you, for forgiveness. Do I deserve such a thing? Probably not, after all I never once did do anything worth forgiveness.

I punish myself, ignore and disrespect my dad, and apparently as of today a person with no self worth.


Taking a breath, I sighed and wiped away a small tear from my eye. I couldn't do this. But then again, I think I needed to. I needed to get this off of my chest. Find some way to walk out of here and not have such a huge scary weight on my shoulders. Still this all felt so awkward.

I guess what I am trying to say here is, what do you want me to do? My entire life has just- I don't even know how to explain it. So if I don't know, and my dad doesn't know, then how will I ever find out who I am supposed to be? How I am supposed to act? I messed up big time. I did. I'm being honest about this.

Honesty is the key right? To a true relationship? How do I even know if I am talking to a real God. Sorry, but it's true. I've never really been faithful to any religion. I've just kinda been out there. Floating like a speck of dust.

Is that all I am to you? An emotional piece of molecules that float around and make people sneeze? I'd sneeze if I could. Blow away all the dirt in my life. Have clean nasal passageways. A new beginning. What do you say? Can I do that? Just start over?

Probably not. My family isn't even a family. My friend isn't even answering his phone. How do I know if that one kiss didn't change anything and everything. Can you understand how I just sit here and repeat everything? I don't know what to say. Why I came here. I have no answers. You're just sitting there watching me. No response.


"Talk to me!" I cried out loud. Slamming my fist down, I hit the alter full force. Crack!

"Ouch! ****!" I yelled.

Excusing myself mentally from the entire prayer, I cradled my hand and grabbed my things. It was obvious I wasn't going to find any special connection here or any feeling that I did what I had to do. There was no sense of forgiveness, no sense of accoplishment. I felt just as crappy as I did when I walked into this place.

The fancy church didn't seem so intimidating anymore. In fact I was more annoyed at its presence now more than ever. Why did it have to be so lavishly designed. It was just a church. Just a building of worship.

Worship. Ha! It was a thing of laughter. I didn't understand nor comprehend how people could just sit there and waste their lives away if all they got in return was silence.

Silence. Dead, ugly, music filled with beats of rest. It was something I never liked. To me, silence meant awkward or danger. Some people may ask me- How is silence equivalent to danger? How does something that can be the equal of peace releavant to danger?

It was a strange comparison. That I can agree with. Silence. Peace. Danger. All the same? It wasn't possible, until it is. Therefore nothing is impossible.

It's like this. When you are in a room full of noisy talkative people, and it gets silent, it becomes quite strange. A person with a headache may take two or three minutes and be thankful for the silence, but then they would eventually join everyone asking, "What just happened." or "Why did everyone shut up so suddenly?"

Finally! Opening the door with my good hand, I tossed my **** (I wasn't in church therefore I had permission to curse) into the drivers seat.

I had a small clue as to where I was going. This time, I wasn’t dragging any religious thoughts into this. My so called ‘God’ may have dragged me here, but he sure isn’t telling me what to do. Nor is he even talking to me, giving me hints, or – or anything at all! (Could anyone else be more of a douschebag?)

Putting the car in reverse, I backed out of the parking space and switched gears. Driving all the way until the highway, which was strangely empty( WTF?!?), I slammed my foot down on the gas. My plan? Go as far as I could, in point five seconds, away from that cathedral.
 

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