15 Ways To Fix A Broken Heart

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  • Published: 12 Mar 2013
  • Updated: 10 Apr 2013
  • Status: Complete
I was, and still are, weird. Yes, my friends are the craziest people you'll ever meet. And yes, I was proud of that small insignificat fact. I thought he was too. But he wasn't, his type never are. I was played with and then made to be broken. Then I found it, The Book. It healed me, this simple book with 15 ways to fix a broken heart.
Copyright (C)
*For the World Book Day App Competition*

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11. Risks

I don't really want to move, so I don't. I stay still as Trent unlocks his car and plops me inside. I curl up in a ball in the backseat, waiting for the threat of tears to come over me. Surprisingly, it never comes. I look back though, look back at the school corridor to see that Lewis still hasn't gotten up. How in the world could Trent manage to knock him out cold? Not that Trent is scrawny or anything, he was gorgeous, but knocking out Lewis? Lewis was on the wrestling team, no one could touch him, even when he was caught off guard. No one except Trent. What the heck was up with him?

Right on cue Trent jumps into the front seat, revving the engine. Is this his car? I ask him so.

"It is my car," he grumbles as he buckles the seatbelt.

"Then why'd you walk with me to school everyday?" I ask, confused.

"Because it's you we're talking about," he says angrily. It takes me a moment to digest that and in that moment Trent breathes a deep, irritated breath. "It's always you."

*

I curl into a tighter ball before we make it back to Trent's house. He steps out first, crunching gravel as he does. I cling to my seatbelt, not wanting to face Trent. Not wanting to face anything. In the end it's Trent's car and he pulls me out, clawing is a more accurate term though. Although he literally had to drag me out of his car, his hands were gentle. Surprisingly, amazingly gentle. So unlike Lewis'.

He bounds up the front steps, not telling me to follow although I know he wants me to. Against my will I do follow, I squeeze past the door and see Trent, hands resting on the rim the kitchen sink, calm. He won't be like this for long now though, this is only a illusion. The literal calm before the storm. Any time it will break, I'm dreading the moment it does.

And then it does.

"How could you be so stupid?" he asks, spitting out the word 'stupid'. I sink into the sofa, fingers at my temples. A pounding is starting behind my eyes and Trent's yelling isn't making it any better. I still cringe at the word 'stupid' but I don't answer him. He walks in front of me, forcing me up, and his once-gentle fingers demand me to meet his eyes. I pull them open, my eyelids, and meet his stare. His deadly, angry stare. There's some hurt somewhere in there but I'm too tired to acknowledge it.

"Get your hands off me," I muster and pull myself away from his grip.He breathes another deep breath before running a hand through his already mused hair.

"I just don't get it," he says, mostly to himself as he sits down opposite of me.

"Don't get what?" I snap, rubbing my forehead. He gets up and in two long strides is next to me again. His hand forces my chin upward to meet his eyes again.

"He dated you FOR. A. BET. And then went and ignored you for eight months." I flinch, his words cutting like the knives I played with this morning. I try to step away but he has an iron-grip. He doesn't see my hurt. "And then he dated your best friend. And ridiculed you in front of everybody. Yet you still won't let him go. Why?" He asks the last part more agressively than the rest. The pounding in my head is becoming unbearable.

"Who said I haven't let him go?" I try weakly. This only makes things worse.

"Goodness, Levi you know that you haven't. And today, don't even get me started. You were freaking making out with him in the hallway! After everything, you still won't let him go," he yells exasperatedly. Something inside me shatters, breaks into a million pieces. Whatever that was pierces me on the inside, finally letting free those tears.

And they don't stop. They run over my face and flood my eyes. Mascara would totally be smudged all over my face if I chose to wear some today. It chokes me, engulfing me until the world looks blurry and the only thing I can focus on is Trent's eyes. How I wish they weren't watching me so intently.

"Don't even tell me that you're crying for him," he whispers. I rip my arms away from him and wipe my eyes.

"Just stop, will you? You have no right, absloutely none whatsoever, to tell me what how I should act. You're not my fucking mom," I hiss and back away. He doesn't even flinch.

"I never wanted to be your mother," he laughs. How dare he? How dare he laugh now?

"Well stop acting like her!"

"I will, once you stop throwing yourself at people who never loved you. Will never love you," he whispers darkly. That brings me back. Back to so many fears I've cried over for the past eight months. Fears that ate me alive. Fears that I've come to believe were true.

"Then who will Trent? What if Lewis was the only person who I will ever come close to loving? What if he's the last one? I can't stand it," I say, hugging myself. "I can't stand thinking he doesn't love me sometimes because if I let that go, I've got nothing left. I have nothing."

Trent stays silent, hopefully thinking about what I just said. Silence settles between us and then he comes. Crushing me in his arms, his warmth burning my skin. So much better than his yelling.

"You're an idiot Levi, a flat out idiot," he whispers. And suddenly he's so close, so breathtakingly close. My hands find his shoulders as he cradles me in his arms, the storm's blown over.

"I'm still mad at you," he says although I know he's not. I feel it again, I feel so fragile like I could break at any moment.

Only with Trent.

I don't how long I stayed there, probably for at least two periods in school but I don't care. I'm waiting for something, something that's so close I can curl my fingers around it.

"Lewis isn't the only one." And then it happens, my first kiss that's genuine. My first kiss that's real, with actual emotion. I didn't know that all my kisses with Lewis felt so cold, so heartless when compared to Trent's. It wasn't long before I found myself kissing back.

"I'm going to make you forget about Lewis," Trent growls and I melt. His lips turn bruising, making me play along. I'm breathless and dizzy and feel so absolutely wonderful. The dizziness wins out overtime though and my head swims.

"Trent, I'm dizzy," I say, he doesn't seem to hear. I forget myself some more, forget that I'm Levi. Forget everything that doesn't involve Trent. His hair, it feels so nice between my fingers. His eyes, too beautiful for words. His smile, so hard to get one out of him that when you do succeed at getting him to smile you can't help but smile back. There's something else too, though.

His loneliness. His hurt. All the things I can feel. Things only I know.

"Lewis doesn't love you. He'll never love you like I love you," he says. There. He said it. Those three words I craved for so long. Except not from him. I suddenly go cold. So cold in fact that Trent's lips are my only source of warmth. The pain in my head magnifies and my mind feels scrambled. Trent notices and lets me go, searching my eyes.

"I'm telling the truth," he says, hiding his eyes. I release myself and back away, towards the door. I gulp, not sure if he's telling the truth.

And it starts all over again.

Our whole relationship flashes before my eyes like the final moments of a dying person's life. Everything. The time when he stared me down during the class' Red River Runs discussion, daring me to tell the truth. The time when he saw me kick Lewis that's when he saw that I'm not the lady I make myself out to be. When I found out that he worked at Norma's, the time when he called me beautiful. When we watched the comet with my friends, the park where Maria invited Lewis to after I left, all those fights we got into when we walked to school. The art museum, when I broke a priceless piece of art and Trent ran with me, laughed with me, then of course, made fun of me. The time when he told me about his mom, the time he almost killed me. The night I left home to go stay with him while he cried and blamed himself for his mom's death. The wristband that says that I hate vampires, the one he sent me after I admitted that to him. And most of all, the day in detention when he called me a hypocrite and a liar.

That I remember most of all.

We fight and fight and have gone nowhere. We call each other names and words that would hurt other people and hearing it come from Trent was a like a bullet wound, searing and lethal. He was searing and lethal, yet I always came back. I will always come back. I don't know about him though, I don't think he would come back.

And now he thinks he loves me. And now I think I might just love him back.

I shake that thought away, I can't risk it, I just can't. I can't risk putting myself out there again, I can't risk another breakdown. This is Trent we're talking about. I think he might just be the one to break me. Not break me like Lewis did though, Lewis shattered me into a million pieces. Trent, he might break me beyond repair. That I can't risk.

"Levi? Are you okay?" Trent asks me, getting scared. I must look like mess; hair knotted, lips white, clothes crumpled. I must look like a girl who, just hours ago thought it was love with Lewis. A girl who now thinks it's love with Trent.

I am a hypocrite and a liar. I know that better now than ever before. No one loves people like me. Lewis didn't, at least he realized that. Trent, he believes that he does. That's not any good. If I need to stay away from the one guy who might break me, he needs to stay away just as much. It hurts, thinking about leaving Trent. Mostly because we were never really together. It hurts all the same though.

"I'm sorry Trent," I whisper. The last words I say before running out of his place, and hopefully, painfully, out of his life.

 

 

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