The One Who Stares At Me In The Mirror

Written for a competition.
Rated yellow for suicide and major character dead.
Disclaimer: I am not a transperson, and I don't know any transpeople. My knowledge is solely based on what I've read in fiction and on the internet, and from bad reality show. If you find this offensive in any way, then please tell me, and I will take it down.

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1. The one who stares at me in the mirror

 

I’ve always been told that I’m pretty, and I guess that to some people, I am. Not to myself though, no. I don’t wanna be pretty, because that’s not what boys are supposed to be, on the other hand, most people wouldn’t consider me a boy.

I hate the person who stares at me in the mirror, mostly because it is a she. She have long, flowing, brown hair, pretty brown eyes, and nice curves, she looks very much like a girl.

I don’t wanna look like that.

My mum always buys me dresses. She tells me that I am going to look pretty in them.

I don’t wanna look pretty, because that’s not how boys are supposed to look.

Once I told my mum that I’m not a girl, and she looked confused.

“What do you mean you’re not a girl?” she asked me.

“I am a boy” I told her. She told me to never say suck nonsense ever again, and then told me to go put on that skirt she had just bought me.

I hate skirts, they make me look pretty, and that’s not how boys are supposed to look.

People tell me that most girls my age would kill for a body like mine. I would give it up for free.

My body feels wrong, and having people tell me to be grateful makes me feel even worse about myself.

Is it my fault that I was born in the wrong body?

Apparently, at least that’s what society is telling me.

Once, my mum asked me why I didn’t like to wear dresses anymore. I told her it was because they made me feel pretty.

I don’t like feeling pretty, because that’s not how boys are supposed to feel.

My mum didn’t understand. She told me that pretty was a good thing, and I just shook my head.

“Boys are not supposed to feel pretty” I told her.

“But you’re a girl” she said, and it hurt, it really did.

Because I am not a girl, I am a boy. Why won’t people just understand?

I’ve never worn make-up in my entire life.

My friends say that it’s nice that I feel pretty enough to go out without make-up, and I told them that that is not the reason why I don’t wear make-up.

“Why don’t you then?” they asked.

“Boys are not supposed to wear make-up” I answered, and they looked confused.

I feel numb.

People always told me “Have a nice day, miss” and I felt nauseous every time. Now I just feel numb.

Even as I am standing on the edge of the bridge and I am looking down into the dark swirling water, I just feel numb.

Earlier today, my mum told me I looked pretty. I am never going to hear her voice again.

I feel my grip loosening on the rail, and I feel my body falling through the air, and yet I still feel numb.

I feel the searing pain of hitting the water, and the burning sensation of the water in my lungs, but yet I still feel numb.

I hear the people I loved talk at my funeral. They call me pretty, and I cry.

Because I don’t wanna be pretty that’s not what boys are supposed to be.

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