She's Not Afraid - A Louis Tomlinson Fanfiction

21-year old Louis Tomlinson is a normal college student studying at London University: He’s living a good social life with his four best friends, partying and making plans for his very near future. But then something new and unpredictable got pushed into the picture: Love. Before Louis knows it, he’s fallen for a girl that he barely knows - and she is basically the definition of a "wild child". As their relationship sprouts, he will have to face problems he had never dreamt of handeling before and feel the backside of the gold medal known as love: Betrayal, hatred, loss and misery. *Check out the trailer in the sidebar! :)*

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21. Chapter Twenty

 

I abruptly pulled away from the kiss, but still held her within my embrace—I couldn’t get myself to let her go. Not just yet. “What was that for?” I asked with a clear confusion.

“I-I don’t know,” she stuttered, while lightly shaking her head. “It just … happened.”

For a while we just stood there without saying anything. It felt nice to hold her in my arms like I had used to. I had to admit that I had missed her badly, even though I had tried not to.

“Lou,” she said, making me jump when I heard her calling her by my nickname. Only my closest friends and family members called me that, and when I had been shutting Jessica out, trying to forget her, she now felt like a stranger to me—but at the same time I felt like I knew her better than anyone.

She moved on: “I still have feelings for you.”

I crinkled my forehead in frustration. Once again, she was on her way to enchant me and put me under her spell. If we got back together now, we would still be dating in secret. I knew I wouldn’t be able to put up with it again. Before I knew it, the unwanted but true words had escaped my mouth: “I might have some for you, too.”

Damn. Now there was no way I could go back to trying to forget her; this was going to be harder than I had thought.

I put my forehead against hers, taking in the scent of her sweet perfume, perhaps for the last time. “I think I know where you belong,” I said and squeezed my eyes shut, as I gently kissed her forehead. “But I’m just not sure it is with me.” I grudgingly let go of Jessica and stepped away from her, sucking in a deep breath.

At first it didn’t look like she had heard me, but then the realization of my rejection slowly started to show itself in her eyes. She grabbed my wrist and gently pulled me back towards her. “Wait. There’s something I have to tell you,” she said and snorted of herself. “I should’ve told you the day we met.”

My eyebrows were slightly furrowed when I nodded at her in agreement. “Pour your heart out.”

She sighed before she began talking in a lightly shaky voice: “Around a year before I met you, I was dating a guy called Fletcher. He was handsome, fun and kind-hearted; everything a young girl like me could ask for. He was my first in pretty much everything and both my parents and friends loved him. Within the first month we had been dating, I knew that I loved him. I told him, and he said it back; and for a moment I guess you can say that everything was perfect.” She shot a look down at her feet that suddenly seemed to be very interesting, and fiddled with a broken sewing on her camouflage green coat. “That was until he one day came home, smelling repulsively of alcohol. He trapped me in a corner and started to yell the most terrible things at me … and I … I didn’t do anything about it. I just sat the whole way through it, before he at last got up and left the flat.”

I was appalled and hurt at the same time; how could anyone ever do that to someone as amazing as her? Right there in the spot, I promised myself that if I ever met that Fletcher she was talking about, I wouldn’t hold myself back from hurting him.

“He abused you, didn’t he?” I whispered. My hands had balled into fists without me realizing it.

“No!” she exclaimed in shock and shook her head. “Fletcher was never violent.”

“He still managed to hurt you.”

“Only because I let him. I was blinded from my love to him and couldn’t move.” She bit her lip before starting where she had left off: “I was broken when he left; for months my parents, Jordan and Chloe would try to cheer me up, but when they didn’t affect me they just stopped mentioning his name, like I that way easier was going to forget him. I don’t think I ever will, though … he left a big mark right here,” she held a hand just above her heart, “when I opened it up for him.”

I didn’t get it. Yes, she had been hurt deeper than I ever would’ve thought, but she said that this had happened over a year ago; and that’s quite a long time.

“Excuse me, but if I may ask, what does all of this has to do with me?” I softly questioned her, cautious not to step over the line.

“I was afraid, Lou. Of falling for someone ... falling for you.”

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I believe it's meant to be, darlin'

I watch you when you are sleeping

You belong with me

Do you feel the same?

Am I only dreaming?

Or is this burning an eternal flame?

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I swallowed the lump in my throat when it comprehended to me. Jessica was telling me that she from the very beginning had wanted to take things slow, because she was scared of getting hurt again.

Didn’t she know that I would never hurt her?

It was double standard of me to think, really. I was the one who had broken up with her, not the other way around. It was me who had seen the pain in her eyes shining through when she had watched me leaving. The important thing was, maybe she hadn’t done anything else than trying to protect herself when she told me that she didn’t want us to go public.

Finally I understood.

I sighed before turning around and walking off to the kitchen to grab a cup of tea. I needed something to calm my mind down and usually the only thing that worked was a good pot of my favorite Yorkshire tea.

“I love you.”

I spun around. Jessica was standing at the very same spot I left her, still wearing her coat and staring down at her black Converse, but something had changed about her, too: Her cheeks were blushing in a light, pink color.

“What did you say?” I managed to say, my eyes wide with disbelief.

“I love you, Louis.”

I liked the way she said it, with that sweet and innocent smile of hers playing on her lips. “Repeat it.”

“I love you.”

I grinned before returning to her side and slipping my arms around her waist. “Keep saying it, please.” I planted kisses all over her face, whilst she giggled out the words: “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you!”

But then I stopped. The smile on my face had disappeared as fast as it had come; like a downpour from a clear sky.

All of this didn’t change a thing. She loved me, but if thing’s hadn’t changed between us since a week ago, she still wouldn’t want anyone to know about us. Jessica easily noticed that something was wrong, and took a gentle hand to my forehead, like she was trying to smooth out the crinkles on it. “Stop frowning. It looks bad on you.”

I obeyed.

“Now you listen closely to me, Louis William Tomlinson,” she said, her grey eyes meeting mine. Woah, this was getting serious. She slipped her arms around my neck and pulled me closer. “When two humans loves each other, they will have to sacrifice some of their most important things for the other.”

This was in fact not that unexpected to me. It was coming right at me: Jessica was good on her way to telling me that if we got back together, I would have to deal with “us being a secret”.

“I want us to go public; be an official thing,” she said.

What? Did I get that right?

“Yes, you did,” she giggled.

Oh. I must have been thinking aloud.

“Yup, you are.” I snuggled her up in a warm hug, embracing the labeled, lovely smell of “Jess”. Her skin felt balmy and soft against mine—just like I remembered it. “Are you serious?” I asked her. She nodded lightly at me. “Are you sure? Even though this might mean the world to me, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable.”

“I won’t,” she smiled. “I promise.”

 

-----------------------------------------------

Say my name

Sun shines through the rain

A whole life so lonely

And then come and ease the pain

I don't want to loose this feeling

-----------------------------------------------

 

I kissed her cheek before turning around and heading back for the kitchen; I still needed my tea. “So,” I heard Jessica’s voice from behind me. “What are you doing tonight? I could really use some practicing at bowling.” I cocked my head in her direction and smiled when I saw her pretending to throw a bowling ball down a bowling lane. “My skills are out of practice,” she complained. I chuckled and poured down some water in a kettle before placing it on the stove. “Want some Yorkshire?” I politely asked her. “Always,” she squealed. “You know me too well!” She walked out into the kitchen and placed her bottom on the counter in a graceful jump. “You haven’t ansered my question yet,” she reminded me. “What are your plans for tonight?”

I groaned when I remembered what I had been doing just before she had shown up on my doorstep. “Shit!” I exclaimed, making her jump. “Sorry,” I quickly said, apologizing for the shouting. I leaned against the kitchen counter and stared in her direction, already feeling miserable of having to turn her down. “I have to go a party at Nialler’s.”

Surprisingly, she lit up in a smile. “That’s it, then! That could be the perfect opportunity for us to go together as a couple for the first time. And nothing’s better than a good party anyways!” I was startled by her excitement; she was certainly feeling amused today. The water in the kettle started boiling and I took it off the flared before poring the liquid down in two cups, and at last dropping a couple of tea bags and a sugar cube in each of them. I balanced with them to the dining table and settled myself down on one of the chairs. The tea was still burning hot, so I decided to let it cool off for a minute or two.

Jessica jumped down from the kitchen counter and moved to the dining table to settle down beside me. “Fantastic,” she said, smirking at me with that same old familiar spark in her eyes. “Would you pick me up in an hour, then? I need to get some other clothes than these, right?” She pointed at her converse and baggy, worn jeans. Even though she thought that she looked too dressed down, to me she looked great just as she was. “You look fine either way, but yeah, sure,” I said after eyeing her robes. I knew her well enough to know that she would never go to a party in those clothes anyway; even if I tried to persuade her to doing it there wasn’t a chance that she would listen to me. Closed case.

Flashing me a smile, she got up from her chair and zipped up her coat. “I’ll se you soon, okay?” she said. I shot a look down at her full teacup. “What about your drink? It’s a waste of good tea,” I teased her. She wrinkled her nose at me, but ushered to take a sip of the tea anyway. I bet she wished she never had afterwards; as soon as the hot liquid hit her tongue I could observe that she tried hard not to spit it out. Luckily she succeeded and sank the tea before it could harm her any longer. “Ouch!” she cried and let her tongue hang freely out of her mouth. She tried to blow on it, but as you can probably figure it’s not very easy. She looked like some kind of lost puppy. “I will never drink tea again,” Jessica moaned, putting her tongue back into her mouth and pulling a painful face. “Do you need some ice?” I asked her, fighting not to laugh of the situation.

She turned the white out of her eyes. “I’ll get some when I get home,” she replied and placed her lips on mine in a brief, chaste kiss. “An hour!” she yelled through the door when she excited my flat, leaving me alone at the dining table with an empty teacup and a dumb smile on my face.

Just like that, she had come back into my life.

 

JESSICA’ POV

 

It was first when we walked down the long hallway that lead towards Niall’s flat that I realized what I was doing. I was about to dive down in the deep end, having no clue of how to swim. I glanced over at Louis who was smiling genuinely happily at me and then down at our intertwined fingers that seemed to fit perfectly together; almost like a puzzle. What we were about to do was maybe the biggest step we had taken in our relationship so far, and he looked calmer than ever … wasn’t he nervous at all?

I got snapped out of my thoughts, when he stopped in front of one of the hallway’s chic wooden doors. Supposing this was it—Niall’s flat—I tried to swallow the lump in my throat and looked forward. After tonight, everyone would know about Louis and I, which meant that there wouldn’t be any more problems.

Or would there?

“Hey,” Louis' soft voice sounded from beside me. I turned my head a little to find him looking protectively at me; I guessed that he had noticed my anxious frown after all. He gently squeezed my hand. “They’re gonna love you.”

“Don’t think too fast, Lou,” I sighed and pressed my lips tightly together in a thin line. “I have a certain rumour for being a wild one, remember? Most people wouldn’t call me trust worthy—and honestly it’s not just pure lies.” I stared right into the door, like the in scripted number “19” suddenly had become very interesting. “Your friends might just think I’m insane.”

“Don’t say that,” I heard him say, and I moved my glance from the door to his face. “They don’t know you.” His blue eyes met mine in a warm gaze—and how I had missed looking into their perfection. He managed to put on an amused smile. “But I do.” He pecked my cheek, and I felt my cheeks going red like some stupid little girls’. I tried to calm it down by telling myself that it was just Louis caringly kissing me: Nothing special or abnormal. He intertwined his fingers with mine before knocking on the door and quietly whispering a, “I’m gonna make them love you” in my ear. I tried to convince myself that everything would be fine if he could take it as easy as this.

A blond-haired guy I assumed was Niall, the host of the party, opened the door a minute later. Louis had only told me about his friends a few times, and I had never actually met them in public … well, thinking about it twice I might have, but I had probably been too drunk to remember it today. “Heeeeey,” he welcomed us in an Irish accent, dragging out the word for something that seemed like ten seconds. “Already going with the beer, Nialler?” Louis grinned at his friend. Niall smiled absentmindedly back at him. “Yeh,” he said and dragged Louis in for a tight hug. It was first when he released him and Louis stepped back, that he realized I was there. I watched as a small frown grew on his face when he eyed me. “Oh,” he stiffly said.

Yup, he defiantly recognized me.

Niall reached out his left hand towards me. “I’m Niall,” he said and forced on a smile. “I’m Jessica,” I politely said and tried to shake off the nasty feeling in my stomach. I grabbed his left hand with my right, which quickly made the situation a bit awkward. “Sorry,” he blushed and waved his one hand in front of him to make a point. “Leftie.” Without saying a word, he gestured us to come in, and we stepped past him to enter the flat.

It was a relatively undersized party, but it seemed like people were having fun. I couldn’t help but wonder if Niall had put anything in their drinks or in the three large bowls of popcorn that stood around the squared living room.

Louis hadn’t let go of my hand for a second. “C’mon,” he said and smirked at me. “I’m going to introduce you to my friends.” He dragged me through the small crowd and we ended up standing beside one of the gigantic popcorn bowls in front of three good-looking guys. Louis cleared his throat and the three boys turned their attention towards us, right as Niall joined us with a popcorn-stuffed mouth. Without caring to introduce me to the boys first, Louis presented his friends to me: Zayn was the black-haired boy with the sweet smile, Liam was the one with brown eyes and the nice, comfortable voice, Harry was the one with the deep green eyes and curly hair and then again, there was Niall … and his charming munching on his popcorn.

Louis opened his mouth to finally introduce me to the boys, but he quickly got interrupted. “You’re Jessica Clarke,” Liam gaped. “And you’re at this party. Niall’s party.” Niall nudged his friend and Liam growled something inaudible at him. Niall whispered something in his ear and a moment later Liam sarcastically apologized, “Sorry Ni, I didn’t mean it like that. Your party is simply fantastic.

I snickered along with the others.

“You can call me Jess,” I said and friendly shook his hand as well as Zayn and Harry’s. Maybe this wasn’t turning out the way I had thought it would? They all seemed so polite and nice, but maybe they were just pushing their real thoughts about me aside? I hoped not; I possibly had a chance to make them like me if they were acting the real deal.

I confusedly looked down at my feet when Louis let go of my hand; I had gotten so used to it being in mine that I almost had forgotten how to let it hang normally and empty down by my side. I watched as Louis grabbed the large popcorn bowl and put it down on the floor, before climbing up on the table it had been placed on. He caught his balance before he raised himself into his full height.

Wait...was he about to-

Oh no.

“Don’t—”

It was too late. He had cleared his throat and raised his voice above the music that was playing in the background from the stereo: “Everyone!” he said, getting every single person in the room’s eyes laid on him. “I have an announcement to make,” he said, and before I knew it he had grabbed my hand and pulled me up on his own little stage, as easily as lifting a pillow. “This young lady and I,” he said and glanced at me with that cocky smirk of his playing on his lips, “are dating!” Then he crashed his lips onto mine in a sensitive, but passionate kiss.

The crowd cheered so loudly I for a second thought I would go deaf.

He broke off the kiss and gazed into my eyes with an amused look on his face. “You always have to overdramatize things, don’t you?” I asked him. Always, darling,” he replied with a smile. “I hate you,” I told him. “No, you don’t,” he said and placed a quick kiss on my lips. “You love me.” I laughed at him, but knew he was speaking the truth. “Yeah,” I said. “I do.”

When we got down from the table, we faced four genuinely surprised faces—some more than others. There was something odd about the way Zayn was smiling at us; he was looking like a little child that had just been told that he was getting to go his favorite amusement park. “I knew it!” he blurted out. I crinkled my forehead. What was he talking about? “Knew what?” I asked him, but he didn’t seem to hear me. Zayn smiled and looked keenly at each of us: From Harry to Niall to Liam to me and at last to Louis. “What did I say?” he exclaimed, now only looking at my boyfriend and saving his optimism for the rest of us. I watched as Louis cheeks’ started to blush; and how incredibly cute it looked on him. “Um…” he started mumbling. 

“What did I say?”

“’Dunno,” he declared.

“Yeah, you do,” Zayn grinned. “I told you already at that party, remember? I knew you guys had a thing!” He obviously couldn’t get over himself and the fact that he had known Louis and I were together before everyone else. I chuckled.

“So…” Liam said with a questioningly look on his face. “You guys are together now?” Louis put an arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. Planting a kiss on my hair, he mouthed a “Yeah” to him. Liam gave us a thumbs-up as to say that he approved. “Then let’s go celebrate!” Niall exclaimed and pointed towards the kitchen. “Beers, boys?” They agreed and disappeared into the kitchen, Louis waving me off with a quick “See you in a moment!”

I noticed that Harry had stayed with me instead of running off with his lads. He looked me in the eye, like he was searching for something important in them. “I can’t say that I have something against you guys,” he said. “But don’t even think about breaking his heart, babe. He’s my Boo Bear; I don’t want to see him getting hurt.”

Instead of feeling offended, I was only glad that he told me this: It only meant that Louis had a really good friend who cared for him. “I think that is the one promise in the world I don’t think I will ever be able to break,” I told him, meaning every word.

“Good,” Harry said and smiled at me, a couple of irresistibly cute dimples showing in his cheeks. “Then we are on great terms.”

   The night went by faster than I could have imagined. The lads were amazing and it didn’t seem at all like they were judging me, like I had believed they would. Who knows, I might even befriend them myself sometime—because honestly, they were impossible to dislike. I was relieved for the way they had taken things, with me and Louis going public and all. Maybe they were just trying to be supportive, but I thanked them deeply. I was with Louis in the way I had dreamt of: No problems and no worries about getting our hearts broken. We were undeniably in love and I would not over my dead body let anyone tear us apart. 

Ever.

 

 

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

“You know I will always love you, right? No matter what happens.”

“I know. And I think you know that I feel the exact same way about you.”

 

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

 

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