She's Not Afraid - A Louis Tomlinson Fanfiction

21-year old Louis Tomlinson is a normal college student studying at London University: He’s living a good social life with his four best friends, partying and making plans for his very near future. But then something new and unpredictable got pushed into the picture: Love. Before Louis knows it, he’s fallen for a girl that he barely knows - and she is basically the definition of a "wild child". As their relationship sprouts, he will have to face problems he had never dreamt of handeling before and feel the backside of the gold medal known as love: Betrayal, hatred, loss and misery. *Check out the trailer in the sidebar! :)*

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19. Chapter Eighteen

 

I pulled the duvet closer around my body to shut out the chill. My body responded almost immediately by heating up my low temperature by at least a few degrees. I smiled in pleasure and grabbed another piece of sweets from the white porcelain bowl in my lap. The sweet taste of white chocolate hit my tongue as I slipped the piece into my mouth.

I was sitting on the carpeted floor of my bedroom against the side of my bed, doing nothing else but eating my favorite chocolate and well, thinking (God, that sounded so cheesy). I had let the radio beside me blast its music in a hopeless try to let it drown the thoughts in my head, which seemed to never give me a break.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere alone in the bitterness,” the radio played, quoting the known song of The Fray. Usually I would have wanted to finish hearing the song because I like it a lot, but of too many reasons I pressed a button and switched to a new channel. While being with Louis I had grown a love for the band—and not only did the song remind me of him, it also made me relate to the lyrics. Because honestly, when I asked myself how I ended up in the mess I was in, I couldn’t find the answer.

Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. I tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go,” the radio went on. “But moving on from him isn’t possible and I still see it all in my head. Burning red—”

It all got too much for me to take. I pulled the plug out from the outlet, turning off the radio within the moment. I sucked in a deep breath. Maybe listening to music hadn’t been the best way of trying to recover from Louis' abrupt …

But I still refused it. I refused to believe that we had broken up.

We couldn’t have.

But deep inside my heart, I knew it was the ugly truth.

 

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I can be tough, I can be strong

But with you it’s not like that at all

There’s a girl that gives a shit

Behind this wall

You just walk through it

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Just 72 hours ago I had been in heaven; not only had I been sleeping with him, but the emotional connection that had arisen between us from the very beginning of our relationship, was not something I could just forget of. Every time we touched and every time we kissed I felt my heart skip a beat. I couldn’t let it go, like it hadn’t meant anything to me to feel that way; it was simply impossible. He was unforgettable—and I was starting to wonder if I was ever going to get over him.

 

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And I remember all those crazy things you said

You left them running through my head

You’re always there, you’re everywhere

But right now I wish you were here

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I took a look at the phone in my in-quilted lap. The screen said that I had 14 missed calls from Jordan and 18 from Chloe; someone was missing me. I smirked a flimsy smile for a second before it quickly disappeared from my lips. There was an explanation to why I hadn’t answered my two best friends’ calls within the last three days: It was because I blamed them.

When I needed someone to blame, they were the obvious option for me to choose. Who had told me to stay away from Louis in the first place? They had. Who had told me that he would only break my heart? They had. Who had—

I stopped myself. I could figure out a million of reasons of why to blame them, but when I looked behind, it really wasn’t their fault. It was me who had pursued my relationship with Louis, right? Me, and only me. I shouldn’t even have given the guilt to my friends in the first place.

It was my entire fault. And first now I realized that I was the one to blame.

The phone vibrated in my lap: The lit-up screen said that it this time was Chloe calling me. I hesitantly reached for the phone, but pulled my hand back in reflex. Then I remembered myself that none of this had been her fault, that I had been blaming her for nothing. She had only tried to help me. Right?

I forced myself to pick up the call. “Yes?” I snapped.

“Where have you been?” she shot back at me. “I’ve been calling you for like—”

“The last 12 hours?”

“More like 72! Do you even know how worried we have been?” I guessed that she was referring to herself and Jordan.

“Yes.”

“So, what? You knew we called you, but chose not to pick up?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stop saying ‘yes’.”

“Yes.”

“Seriously.”

“All right, then! Take it easy, C.”

For an instant there was a complete silence on the other end. “Well, we just wanted to check up on you,” Chloe finally said. “You left the party pretty abruptly, you know. Jordan was anxious for you.”

“I just went—” I stopped myself right before I spilled the words “to Louis’ place.” I had almost forgotten how she hadn’t known about us. “Home. I went home.”

“Awe, did you feel sick?”

“Just had a bit too much beer, I guess.”

“Are you feeling better now?”

“I’m fine.” I resisted snorting. How little did they knew about my situation. “I am just fine, thank you.”

“Great! I’ll be over before you know it, then!” Her squeal was a bit distant, and I could sense she was just about to hang up on me.

“Wait!” I cried. “I would like it if you didn’t come over. I am having a really bad day and—”

“Then I'm the one you need. I'll turn the frown upside down!”

“I just really need to be alone, C. This is some personal stuff … I-I have to deal with it alone.”

I could hear the hesitation in her voice when she replied with a simple, “Um, yeah. Sure. I’ll see you soon okay?”

“Yeah, see you soon.” I hung up on her and threw my phone across the room, not caring if I broke my screen. As it landed softly on the carpet with a small bump, it seemed that it had survived the throw. 

I pulled my legs up against my belly to rest my chin on my knees. Driving a hand through my hair, I tried to get myself under control.

I wasn’t myself anymore. Everything in my life was fucked up. I was a mess, and both myself, my friends and my parents knew it. I was never going to succeed in anything, and I was as sure on this as I had been on anything else before. The pieces of my life were scattered all around the floor: There was my hopes and dreams, my worthless job, the friends I had begun to take a distance to, the parents that didn’t love me and not to mention, the one who did love me.

Louis was gone and I wouldn’t be able to get him back. I had been a terrible person treating him like I did. Only I realized this when it was already too late—I should have fixed things between us when I had the chance. It was like I somewhere deep in my soul knew that we were going to end up like this.

I missed him.

All the time.

 

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Damn, damn, damn

What I’d do to have you here

I wish you were here

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