Coincidental Meeting (A Louis Tomlinson Fanfic)

I meet Louis Tomlinson by complete coincidence. I'll let you figure out the rest.
*Note* Not your typical fanfic about a One Direction member.

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32. 32. Spiraling

*Mature Content* Be prepared for content that is for an older audience.

 

I felt as if I was blacking out from the world and honestly I was. I was spiraling down the way I always do before I did something I knew was completely stupid.

Depression is a forever long battle that you can think you win but you will always be at war. The worst part is you are your own enemy. You never know when you'll attack yourself or how you will choose to do it. This may sound crazy because you are at war with yourself but it isn't as simple as it seems.

I was my own worst enemy and had been all my life. I could not win this battle this time. I wasn't going to be able to, at least not by myself. Without realizing exactly what I was doing I was tracing old scars. Remembering why I cut in the first place. Remembering that I believed I wasn't good enough. Then I was telling myself I wasn't good enough and I wasn't worth it.

Then I remembered how I just wanted to feel something. I had gone numb for so long that any feeling was nice and the only feeling I could actually get from myself was from a cut. A cut would bring pain and I wanted a feeling. Anything. Anything at all that would make me feel alive. I could tell I was going numb again. I had blocked out everything in my mind. I couldn't think straight and I was telling myself that it would be okay.

I was reminding myself that I couldn't be numb again. I'd rather take action before the numbness consumed my entire body. I needed to feel. Feeling would be the only thing that saved me at this point. I had to feel before it was too late.

A thousand thoughts were running through my mind and I couldn't make out a single thought. Too many memories and too many choices. Too many failures and too many disappointments. I just wanted to do the right thing for everyone but you can't always please everyone and please yourself at the same time.

I didn't know what I was doing anymore. I was realizing I was spiraling too far down and I didn't know if I would come out of it this time even with someone like Louis in my life. I had only had someone to lean on like this once in my life but he was taking away from me too young. I learned quickly after that it would be best to only rely on myself and never trust anyone.

Standing up and holding onto the counter a little too tight, my knuckles were going white and I knew that I had to feel.

Feeling anything would be better than going numb again. It's the only thing that I never wanted to do again. I wanted to feel. I had to feel. I had to survive and the only way for me to survive was to feel.

Without fully being aware of my decisions I opened up the mirror and shuffled everything around until I found exactly what I was looking for. A small, silver piece of metal that use to be a close friend. I thought we were enemies but I knew better than to think we'd ever be fully apart.

I pricked the blade against my finger and saw the small, red drop start to grow and leak from my finger.

I fell to the ground and laid there. I was thinking of all the ways to hide this from everyone. It wasn't even Louis on my mind anymore, it was my friends. How many people would be hurt by my decision to feel?

I could see the door shaking and I could tell Louis was trying to get but what could I do? I had to feel.

Anything. Just for a moment.

I needed to feel the pain I was causing him. I needed to feel the pain I was causing anyone.

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