Lies, Lies, Love & Lies.

She never would have thought that her lies would land her in this position. They were just simple little lies, but Clara soon realized they were so much more than that. Now she must live with the people she's hurt, the decisions she's made and the emptiness that she feels inside..

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1. Your Biggest Mistake, Clara.

 

Dear “You”,

Did you know that every time you walk passed me I feel the urge to talk to you just once more? Did you know that when you smile your intoxicating smile that a part of me wishes it would land on my lips? I bet you never thought that I’d be the one crawling back to you after everything that happened. So many things I never told you, so many questions in my life that I have yet to find the answers to. Today when you sat beside me in the lecture it was all I could do not to spill all of the secrets from that one night, so instead I walked away. It seems like I’m forever walking away from my problems lately. I let you go thinking that you were the problem, but turns out you were the only real solution. Loving you was the only pro in a life filled with disappointment and secrets. Do you remember when we’d lay on the grass in my backyard and I’d trace the tattoo on your arm with my finger? I’ve caught myself a few times running my fingers along a school book or my desk tracing the exact same pattern. There are so many things I miss about us but if I were to write them all out it would take days. This is entirely my fault and I’m sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you and I know you just got tired of my secrets. If I could re-do the past I would but unfortunately life doesn’t have a restart button or a pause button. Therefore I am forever apologizing and never looking back, I am always moving forward no matter who I leave behind. I just never thought I’d be leaving you behind.

Your Biggest Mistake,

Clara.

                Everyone always told me that one night could change everything but I never really understood what they meant. Sure I was in the wrong and maybe I told a little lie to cover up the fact, but it was a harmless lie right? Wrong. There is no such a thing as a “harmless” lie. There are repercussions and consequences for every action.  People are always going to get hurt no matter how hard you try to hide the truth from them.  Being a teenage girl I should be having the time of my life with my main man but instead I’m using all of my memory and brain power to re-enact all of those lost nights and faded memories. I’m looking back to see what I could’ve done differently, what actually happened the night it all started and I’m looking for a solution to make all of it just disappear.

                I was in Grade 12 when I first started dating Shane. We were inseparable in the beginning and so madly in love. I’m not sure if we were actually “in love” emotionally or if I was in love with seeing him shirtless and feeling his hands run up and down my back as he kissed me. Both were just as captivating and I didn’t really care if it wasn’t actually true love. He was my first “real” boyfriend and my God was he perfect. He had those dark brown eyes that just took your breath away every time you looked into them and the body of Hercules himself. On the outside he looked like a bad ass, his hair wasn’t always perfect and his tattoos were visible on his arms most of the time. I never really wanted a perfect boyfriend because I didn’t want to feel imperfect when I stood beside him. I guess in a way we were perfectly imperfect. He completed me the same way I always yearned to complete him.

                The summer after we graduated, Shane and I started drifting apart and didn’t spend every waking moment together. Our friends, mine especially kept saying it was a bad sign that we weren’t constantly groping each other and practically getting it on in public. God forbid we didn’t do those things, because clearly that’s what was cool in today’s society. Shane and I never listened to what our friends thought because if we did we’d be country club attending, cardigan wearing, horse racing loving, snobs for a lack of a better term. We played to our own beat and loved every minute of it, however I began to lose the beat after a while and didn’t know what to do, that’s how I landed myself in a whole world of secrets, lies and no boyfriend to back me up.

Clara Lie #1 – Babe I’m going to stay in and study for that big chemistry test, we’ll hang out tomorrow.

Truth – I’m going to my friend Laura’s place so that I can bitch about my life and how my feelings for you are diminishing.

                Laura had been my best friend pre-Shane however she wasn’t so good post-Shane. I occasionally would go to her and tell her about my failed relationship and then get mad at her when she’d say I needed to break up with him before I hurt him. Of course I never saw reason in those situations and automatically assumed she was trying to steal him away.  She knew I’d lie to Shane about my whereabouts almost daily and she frowned upon me. I understand now why she would get so upset when I’d go over to her house and say “If Shane asks we were studying like fools for chemistry, OK?” I must admit that I do miss Laura, she always knew exactly what to say, I just wish that I wouldn’t have sucked her into all of the lies.

                The secrets and lies started out as harmless, but as I said before nothing is harmless. There is a proper reaction for every action. I’d lie about things like; where I was going, who I was with, what I was doing. These seem almost not worth the trouble don’t they? Almost like Clara, why even put the effort into lying to your boyfriend and making up excuses? That was one of the questions I have never found an answer to. I will never understand why I do the things I do, it just happens. With every lie came another and so then the vicious cycle began and it got much worse than that.

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