Left Alone To Wonder

I have simply..been left alone to wonder..
A short story.

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1. Wonder..

   I lay my head back against my pillow and place my hands over my face, trembling as I hold back sobs. What have I ever done..? I..I don't know..I guess behind the smiling faces of those talking to me, they just think I'm some kind of waste of humanity. Why didn't I ever stop to consider such..? Why did I believe everyone's kind words, simply spoken for the sake of my fragile feelings.

   "Oh, her. She's so annoying."

   "That girl? She's so weird."

   "I can't stand her! She's such an asshole."

   "Yeah, right? Such a jerk."

   That's what they say...what they say behind people's backs. Everyday. All the time. It never ends. Everyone talks badly about everyone in some way or another. I never thought about how people could be saying things like that behind my own back..even my own friends..my own boyfriend..I just..I never knew what..what could I have possibly done to make people dislike me? All I try to do is make other people happy..bring joy to their lives.

   When they're down in the dumps and feel like a complete piece of crap, I let them vent to me. Though, I don't just sit there and say nothing at all. Listening is wonderful, but simply just nodding and not speaking a word-or speaking that one heart throbbing word, "Sorry", well that doesn't cut it. You must help them..touch their feelings with your own, add a dash of light to their emotions.

   I absolutely love giving people advice. I will admit, I've helped a lot of friends through those situations where you just feel like death is your only option. Though my advice may be rather helpful, I just can't seem to take it myself. I can convince others they're not worthless-because they're really not. Everyone is lovely in their own way, and has something to offer, even if you can't seem to realize it about yourself. As much as you don't believe it, there's someone out there who admires you and your personality, or your life, or your talent, skills. You may not have even met that person, yet. But please, just trust me. You will.

   The problem is, I just can't seem to clear away my own dreadful storm that stalks me around day after day. I guess it goes away sometimes..but it comes back just as fast. There's that one lightning bolt that strikes me every time, sending me into a long duration of pain. Pain, pain, go away. Don't come again another day.

   I sigh, not even able to laugh slightly at my cheesy joke. This is all just so new to me..this territory..what do people truly think of me? I had hoped they all thought I was just a friendly human being among this Earth, there for others and there to entertain people, including myself. That's all I would need to know to make me content.

   However, I can't help but find myself pondering the idea that that's not quite how I wish for it to be. I mean, that's just not possible. I guess those who don't necessarily know me, but have simply observed me may have spoken about how I'm some sort of a freak, weirdo, or creeper quiet kid that minds my own damn business and never smiles at strangers..(or possibly just thinks I don't ever smile...) but my friends....what do they say about me to others...to my other friends...to their friends?

   I think back to those few times when I had casually asked my few friends, "Hey, what's my flaw? I'm curious...and don't lie to me and say I don't have one, hah, I won't be angry. I'm asking you..because if I have one, I'd like to know."

   They all said the same thing, after thinking for about it for ten seconds or so, "Uhh...hmm..well, I don't think you have any, actually."

   I laughed and asked again, "Oh come on, there has to be something. Think."

   Though, they just told me once again that I hadn't possessed any flaws. I knew there must be something, they just weren't telling me because they were afraid of being rude or hurting my feelings. Despite these mere considerations, I was content with their responses. They did succeed in making my self esteem boost.

   But now, now I'm processing it. Now I've been hit on the head with a gavel in which has the word REALITY scrawled across it in bold letters. Damn, I get that I'm not attractive, talented, nor skillful in any way that I can recognize, but is my personality really a negative on my part too? Or at least somewhat?

   I remove my hands from my face and sit up, gently wiping away the salty tears. I take a deep breath, turning to look at my reflection in the mirror. I look miserable..well I guess that's what happens when the one person who you care about in life the most holds you down two feet underwater(without any breathing machine, if I may add). 

   I love him...and if there's something that 'overwhelms' him..how can I go on with it...I just feel so worthless..useless...he's the one person I wish to bring life long happiness to, but...can I truly give that to him? I'm so lame, so dumb, so annoying. All I could ever do is give him headaches and frustrate him with my sudden emotions and my own frustrations. Not to mention, after venting to him I end up feeling like crap because I can tell he just thinks I'm overreacting and being a bother..a pain. I ask him to talk to me again, to need to me again..but..

   But...what if he doesn't want me..? All I've been is a pain..

   I just pray to the Lord that he'll forgive me for my attitude all the time, I'm simply just overwhelmed myself with all the blame people drop on my shoulders...blame that I wasn't aware I deserved.

   But maybe..maybe I don't deserve to be here..

   Now, I've headed outside into the crepuscule of the night, making my way through the woods. My eyes are blotchy and red from crying, my hair is a tangled mess as the wind attempts to blow it back to it's nice look, and my clothes are dark, and soaked from my tears also. 

   I just...I just need to be alone. I'm tired...tired of doing things for people..and being slapped in return..slapped for trying to please myself and bring joy among my own being..is that..wrong?

   I settle down at the trunk of a tree and rest my feeble body against the cold bark, pulling my knees close to my chest as I wrap my arms around my knees. I look up into the starlit sky, knowing God is looking down on me. I am grateful to have him there by my side..it is not him who fails me, but I who fail him. In shame, I look down and bury my face in my sweat pants.

   I shouldn't be acting like this..so weak and helpless. I should have just put it all aside and forgotten it all..forgotten my feelings. I should have left them hidden from the world..hidden from my love..he must think I'm pathetic, now...for overreacting. I didn't mean to explode, I really didn't. I just got so caught up in the moment, only thinking about myself at the time. I guess I just need to think before I speak.

   The tears on my face have finally dried as I sit in the moonlight, closing my eyes as I fall asleep in the leaves. It's nice..it's peaceful..and this will all be gone when I awake.

  

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