Beneath the Barricades

fictional diary/story of a girl who is mortified by her own existence.


3. Help

September 8th



I can't find myself - i am lost; suffering, withering away and all that is left is the mere remnants of my skeleton.  I can't hear myself - I am drowning, i am being dominated by the crystalized, freezing waters of an everlasting ocean that spreads throughout this whole universe in my brain.  I can't see myself - i am covered in blackness all over, so that even if you were to be standing on the outskirts of the darkness, you could not see me.  I am all of the shadows that cover every unseen part of this world - but then again, since it is unseen, not one person could ever know that i, Kelly Ann, exists. I have done it again. I can't be trusted. I hurt myself again, today. I deserve it.  Do you not see what type of crude being i am turning myself into?  I cannot leave my house, lest i be criticised by the foul mouths of Ana and Mia inside my head.  They reside there, they've made home there, but i did not invite them; they forced themselves in there and contaminated my brain. Now all i can think are the same very few thoughts.

food is the enemy 

food is no good

food will make you fat

like starving never would.

I've fallen unto this path of harm and self-wrath.  And for what reason, you might ask.  That is between myself and I.  No soul in this world could handle the corruptness of those thoughts.  And also, you might ask why i say no soul, when i very much have a soul, like everyone else - depending on your faith.  Well here is your simple answer: I do not have a soul. I do not exist.  I am a mere figment of somebody's imagination.  But what type of life might a person have, if they have imagined a disgusting creature like myself?  Not yet.  I can't answer that for you, because i, a mere figment, should not know that i am just imagined.

- Kelly Ann


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