A Year Without Johnny

Harry Mitchell is a young boy whos best friend commited suicide. Since the event, even more terrible situations have come to pass and Harry is left making heart wrenching decisions. This is his letter that lets you into his life, his thoughts and feelings, as he lives a year without Johnny.


10. Nine months without Johnny

I spent most of that month watching other people out in streets. Just random people. I liked it when they appeared to be sad or when they had arguments or walked alone, it made me feel slightly happy that I wasn’t the only person to be feeling so down.

I had never opened up to anybody about anything before as I just didn’t trust anybody. I made a huge mistake when I started trusting Ricky, not because he didn’t keep my secrets but, because I don’t think he understood.

Ricky and I watched the recording as Big Ben began to chime. Johnny spread his arms wide and waited patiently until the final chime. I could watch the part when he hit the ground.

I told Ricky right there and then that I understood why Johnny jumped, as I did know, at least I think I know. You see, before the incident, Johnny had told me that I had to make up my mind as he didn’t want to start the New Year without me. Though, I thought he meant we would be over. Not that’d he kill himself.

You, just as Ricky did, may question what I mean by ‘we would be over’. This is where it gets little harder, not just for you to hear, but for me to talk about. Johnny wanted me to make up my mind about whether I wanted to be with him or not. If I was ready to come out as gay so that we could be together, finally, without having to hide from all of you.

I am terribly sorry you have to find out this way but, as I can barely hold back the tears now, I know I would have been too much of an emotional wreck in person. You need to know all of this though. I want you to know the real me, the me that isn’t afraid of who he is... or his sexuality.

Johnny and I were in love. I know that may be hard to hear but I loved that boy more than I have ever loved anybody. That’s why I wonder if it was me. Johnny said he didn’t want to spend the New Year without me and I didn’t listen. Why didn’t I listen? He could be here right now and I would feel comforted and happy, rather than having a gaping hole in my heart the size of Texas.

I never even told him how much he meant to me, just because I am not allowed to like him. My father told me that being homosexual is a choice and that only the ugly boys and the pansies want that life. I never understood that. Why was I not allowed to like other boys? I loved Johnny and I should not feel bad for that. So if you ever see my father, though I doubt he will ever return home, tell him that he was wrong. It is not bad to like other boys and it is not a choice, but, even if it was, I would still choose Johnny.

I guess now that’s all out in the open, I can tell you my next big mistake. You see, when I told Ricky all of this, he was kind and thoughtful. When he smiled at me, it was so sweet and in such an irresistible manner so, without a second thought, I smashed my lips against his.

He pushed me away in a heartbeat as he slammed his hand against my chest, releasing me from the kiss. He just kept shouting that he wasn’t gay, over and over.

 “I’m not gay, Harry! I’m not. Okay? I’m not gay! Don’t ever do that again.”

I stared at him blankly and apologised. My head was pounding, fast. I was so lost and confused. I knew he wasn’t gay. I don’t even understand why I felt it appropriate to kiss him. I guess I was just feeling a little alone, without Johnny, that I latched on to the closest boy.

Ricky left and I sat in the middle of my room, unsure of just what to do. I just wanted the pain and the banging in my head to stop. Why wouldn’t it stop?

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