Suicidal Thoughts

"It's not the cowards way out...It's not the cowards way out...It's not...It's not the....It's not the cowards...way out..."
The bottle of pills slipped out my hand, the red and blue capsules scattering of the bathroom tiles. I sunk to the ground, tears falling down my face for what felt like the millionth time. "It's not...the cowards...way out..."
But if it's not the cowards way out, why couldn't I do it?


3. Chapter 2


I was fourteen when the bullying became a problem. Like many children, I had been teased through primary school, but never enough to cause a problem. Again in secondary school, I was prone to a bit of tormenting, but so was everybody else. Moving to a new school shouldn’t have been a problem. I hadn’t exactly been unpopular at Manor High, my previous school, even described by one of the teachers as a ‘loud and bubbly student with good grades and friendships’. This was because of one key ingredient; friends. As soon as they were taken out of the equation, I was weak, small-minded and an easy target. That was what happened at Richmond Park, my new school halfway across the country.

In every group of bullies, there is a ring leader, an instigator, a trouble maker. Mine was Beatrix Helster, respected and feared by even the teachers. They had good reason too as well, as she was taller than the majority of them, although her six inch heels might have contributed to that. Beatrix could break almost every school rule without fear of getting into trouble; many teachers over looked her purple and black streaked hair, the missing uniform and, of course, the high heels. Beatrix might not have been the sharpest pencil in the box, but what she lacked in brains was made up for by her dangerous reputation. In her eyes, people fell into two categories- friends or enemies. As would soon become clear to me, I was not given the privilege of becoming one of Beatrix’s friends.


“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Being new to the school, Beatrix’s high status wasn’t immediately obvious to me as I fumbled with my new timetable and map.

“I, um, I don’t know where I’m, er, going...”But both her physical appearance and the gang or girls behind her have me clear indication to tread carefully around her.

“Let me see if I can help you with that.” The sickly sweet smile would soon become one I would learn to dread. “Now, you listen up. I’m the boss round here. You do exactly as I say and my little friends and I will leave you alone.” I’d never been spoken to like that before, nor had someone yank me up off the floor by my collar. She dropped me, straightened up her skirt and smiled. “Let’s take a look at that map then.” That was the terrifying thing, the way she could switch. Little did I know that there were much worse things in store for me over the   next few years.


Beatrix was true to her word, and I remained unharmed for my first week at Richmond Park. The incident quickly passed, and my concerns about Beatrix and her gang were pushed aside as we still had a lot of unpacking to do from the    move. It didn’t help that we had to clean the whole house from top to bottom. The previous owners left it in such a state that we had to have pest control come in three times before it was clear. The move was unexpected; pretty much spur of the moment when dad was offered a job in Manchester. It was the opportunity of a lifetime, and there was no way he was going to miss it. Mum was unemployed at the time, so it wasn’t a problem for her to move. I was the only one with ties back at home, but that wasn’t really taken into consideration.

The mere thought of a promotion, becoming lead manager and double pay outweighed my friendships and school work, so in my parents’ eyes there really was no competition.

“I just know you’ll love it there. The area is lovely, loads of nice people and the new house is much bigger than this one.” Mum’s promises were empty, her mind preoccupied with the new lifestyle we were going to lead.


I didn't love it. I didn't even like it. The area was a dump, houses boarded up, graffiti at every turn. It seemed almost derelict, and the only people we did bump into glared or swore. Although the house was a little bigger than our old one, it wasn't any better. Just from the outside, weeds crept up the side, ivy growing over the windows.

"I am not living here. Take me home now." Mum and Dad just stood there,        looking up and down the house.

"We can't. The new owners are moving in this afternoon. There's nowhere for us to go."

"Why didn't you check out the place before we moved? Who moves into a       house without looking first? This is so typical of you, just taking any                     opportunity that comes along, not even thinking about the consequences!" My yells echoed off the graffiti stained walls. "Well, why are you just standing        there? We might as well go look inside!" The grass in the front garden was almost waist height on me, dandelions clinging to my new jeans as I walked             through the jungle of plants.

Upon finally reaching the front door, we had to prise off the ivy growing round the lock just to get the key in. It was obvious the door had been kicked in         multiple times, as the doors were made out of a flimsy plastic material.

Opening the door revealed my worst fears; the inside was about ten times worse than the garden, litter strewn across the floor. Wading through the sea of empty takeaway boxes, I noticed a large brown leather sofa. On closer inspection though, the leather was cracked and hard, and the springs had caved in under the weight. The TV was smashed and lying face down on the worn carpet, barely visible beneath all the junk.

The smell of decomposing food was emitting from the kitchen, so I decided to go straight to the stairs instead. It seemed like they had once had a thick red carpet on them, but the carpet was now grey and threadbare. The landing at the top of the stairs was a little better, but cramped. I opened the closest door to me, and to my surprise it was fairly clean. It looked like the previous owners only used the downstairs.

The first bedroom was small, with a bed under the window overlooking the empty street. There was a radiator on the opposite wall, but my guess was that, like most things in our new house, it wouldn't work. The only other furniture in the room was a small wardrobe with the door hanging off.

The other bedroom was a little larger, with a double bed. The mattress was       lying on the floor, and I didn't want to get too close but I'm sure it had gone     mouldy. Like the other room, there was already a wardrobe, but this one had   the door falling off.

There was only one other room upstairs, and it was a tiny, cramped bathroom. It had a sink and toilet squashed up next to each other, and the shower was right behind the door. I could see that the shower definitely did have mould growing round the edges, as did the towels on the rack next to it. When I pulled       aside the shower curtain, dozens of cockroaches swarmed out of the shower.

"Aaah!" I screamed and jumped onto the closed toilet seat, watching them scuttle across the grimy bathroom tiles. I sprinted down the stairs, trying to avoid any other creepy crawlies that might be lurking in the nooks and crannies of the house I had yet to explore.

"There is no way on earth I am going to live here." I declared, hands on hips.  Mum looked up from the sink she was trying to unblock.

"Look at me. Do you think I would be up to my elbows in filthy water unblocking a sink in house that ruined my leather boots if I had somewhere else to go?" I looked and down her ruined outfit, the yellow rubber gloves stained brown from the sink water. Her boots sat next to the kitchen door, and the leather had    been ruined. I could hear Dad cursing from the next room.

"Shit." He swore under his breath as he picked up a Chinese takeaway pot with some chop suey still in it.

"Dad!" He jumped, dropping the pot and spilling orange liquid down his             trousers. 

"Sorry sweetheart. Didn't realise you were here. What's the matter?" Dad tried to scrub the Chinese remains off. 

"I don't want to live here. There are cockroaches, and mice, and, and stuff."

"Neither do I, sweetie. Neither do I."


But we really didn't have any other option. Our house had indeed been taken over by the new owners. We had no choice but to turn the dump into a home. More problems started to build-up, and we began to run out of money and Beatrix broke her promise.

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