Entries of a Wrist Cutter

These are the entries of a wrist cutter. A self harmer suffering from BPD, borderline personality disorder. The entries include prose and poetry, and are semi-autobiographical.

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1. Psychosis

 

I have such a difficulty in differentiating day dream from reality. Sometimes I feel as though I can’t hold onto anything real anymore. As though everything that really happens to me is a lie, and the things I day dream of happening to me are the reality. They feel so real! It’s as though I am there living through all of the things that happen. And the worst part is when I break away from the dream I’m not always left with any recollection of those scenes… only the feeling is left behind. So it’s not as if I can just carry on as though nothing has happened because I might not have any memory of a specific event, but I would know from how I’m feeling after, roughly what I was dreaming about.

Most times I feel suicidal, or blood thirsty, mostly because I day dream of suicide and self harm continuously. I wish I knew why. I’ve read about people having obsessive thoughts about suicide before, but I can’t relate to that because I don’t have thoughts, I see things happening. I don’t think about killing myself, I feel it happening to me. No one understands this; no one understands what I mean. Many times I’ve been told it’s just my imagination. Well… yeah… I must obviously have an uncontrollable imagination because if I could control seeing myself die every day, it would only make sense that I would choose to stop it completely.

Once, I told my psychologist that I see myself falling off of a high building on a regular basis. My psychologist told me to imagine myself flying instead of falling. Now that really pissed me off. First of all, I don’t control what I see. And if I did control it, then I would certainly not think of myself flying! What a joke!

I’ve been seeing this psychologist for nine months or so. I was seventeen when I first started seeing her. My life has changed so much, but my relationship with the psychologist hasn’t. I’ve never felt that she is actually helping me. We never really get anywhere with the things we discuss. However, I’m too scared to change psychologist. At least I know this one, and she knows me. She knows my story, well, some of it. Some things I haven’t told her, and I don’t want to tell her either; they are too personal. But I felt that I needed to tell my psychiatrist everything, although we don’t really talk about everything.

Now I’m all alone, sitting on the floor, crying… cutting. I wonder what my girlfriend is doing. We haven’t spoken for a few hours, I guess. Maybe she’s busy, so I don’t text her. She was going to call me; we were on the phone earlier and we said we’d talk later after I had eaten. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. I tried to occupy myself by playing guitar, listening to music, drawing, and reading. Nothing got me really enthusiastic, so I’m stuck again, alone and feeling sorry for my self.

I couldn’t stand the loneliness anymore, so I picked up my phone and I texted my girlfriend, I told her I miss her and she replied that she misses me too. We’ve been together for over a year and I love her more than anything. I hope she feels the same. She tells me that she does, but I’m too insecure to believe it. I keep seeing different scenarios that we’ve broken up, had fall outs, committed suicide; sometimes me, sometimes her.  This pains me deeply and is something that depresses me a lot, not only because I’m so afraid of losing her, but also because I see everything so vividly, it’s as though it is all real and happening to me; to us.

 

 

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