Entries of a Wrist Cutter

These are the entries of a wrist cutter. A self harmer suffering from BPD, borderline personality disorder. The entries include prose and poetry, and are semi-autobiographical.

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7. Jamie

 

As I walked through the door I sensed that something wasn’t right. I could feel it in the air. Walking over to the kitchen I saw an A4 paper, Jamie must have left me a note. But as I walked over to read it, my heart filled with dread. I can’t explain exactly why, but my whole body felt faint, heavy and weak. It was as if something had entered my body, like the entire force of gravity, and was dragging me down to the ground.

Picking up the note, I just read the first few lines before I rushed into the bedroom. Somehow I knew what had happened. Somehow time had stood still for the few moments I was running towards the room, like a slow motion scene within a movie. All the while those few lines played over in my mind.

 

My dearest Ali,

I know it’s not fair on you what I have done, but I hope you understand one day. Every moment spent with you was a treasure I had never hoped of losing. I could never forget all those amazing times spent together…

           

Forcefully opening the door, my eyes witnessed the most painful sight that I knew would haunt me as long as I still lived. There she was, my love, lying lifelessly on our bed. Her face pale, her lips blue; she lay like a portrait of the dead. I checked frantically for a pulse, any sign of life, but my time was spent in vain. She was gone. What do I do now? What do I do now?

Crying my heart out, I held her for a while. Why? Why did she do this? It took me a while to get up and get the note that I had dropped earlier, but eventually I did. I took the note and sat beside her lifeless body. As I read the note, I heard her voice dictating to me in my head…

 

My dearest Ali,

I know it’s not fair on you what I have done, but I hope you understand one day. Every moment spent with you was a treasure I had never hoped of losing. I could never forget all those amazing times spent together. You were always fair to me; the way you were with me was always right and just. You showed me love and care that no one else could ever give me. You made me feel emotions that no one else could. With you I felt complete, whole. You made everyone else seem meaningless to me. I will never be able to thank you for your acceptance, patients, advice and company.

But I could never fill up the gaps in my soul, the wounds that other people in life had carved in me. My thoughts torture me, I torture myself all the time and I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t stand my fucked up head anymore. I’ll never be normal. I’ll never live a normal life. And I feel like I’m holding you back. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I tried to be patient, I tried to get on with life and ignore the negativity. But enough is enough. It ends here.

My friends and family turned their backs on me; they know what a failure I am. I’m fucked up. My brain doesn’t work like it should. I’ve had enough of the pain. I want to apologise for any pain I have ever caused you, and also I want to thank you so much for being there for me and standing by me when I had no one else. And now to save you any more pain, I’m leaving from here. I’ll disappear, and you can try to forget and move on with your life, and live the way that I know you can. You’re strong… you won’t have to worry about me anymore; you’re now free to live without me weighing you down. I love you… I always have, and even in death, I always will. We really were soul mates…

 

                                                                        Jamie.

 

 After months of therapy; pills; suicide attempts; different pills; I was finally eating, drinking and getting out of bed like a normal human being. I’m still a zombie though, nothing changed there. I miss Jamie every second of every day. She was wrong; I can’t forget her and move on with my life. Not only do I live with my depression and psychosis, I now have to bear a broken, empty heart with me. The weight of losing Jamie is more painful than anything else I have ever felt in my life. How could she ever believe for one second that she was a weight for me? I live with the regret of not telling her every day I had with her, how much I loved and appreciated her being in my life. I wish I could let her know how special she really was in my eyes. She was beautiful inside and out. Even her flaws were beautiful in my eyes.

            The phone rang… It was Jamie. How glad I was to hear her voice.

            “Hello?” My voice croaked.

            “Hey, what’s up? You sound like you’ve been crying.”

            “Yeah, I saw something dreadful,” I replied. My hands were trembling

            “What did you see babe?”

            “I’d rather not talk about it. How are you?”

            “I’m fine, but I’m worried about you…”

            “Don’t worry about me baby, I’m fine.”

 

We talked a little while longer, just talking about our day, and then we hang up. We’re going to meet up tonight, hopefully spend some quality time together. I would die if I ever lost Jamie… I’d die from the pain alone. No pills could ever salvage me and a broken heart. I love her too much to ever let go. She’s my whole life; I love her more than anything and anyone on this planet! I wish she knew how I felt. I wish she could see inside me and see exactly what I feel for her. I can’t explain with words, it’s pointless because words make things seem too little. What I feel is so powerful that no words could ever describe. It’s something you have to feel to understand. These emotions that I feel come from deep within my soul. I wish Jamie could reach in and grab whatever I’m feeling and drag it into her soul. The impact would be phenomenal!

Jamie and I have been talking about moving in together for a long time. We really want it to happen. I believe it will happen some day.

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