Entries of a Wrist Cutter

These are the entries of a wrist cutter. A self harmer suffering from BPD, borderline personality disorder. The entries include prose and poetry, and are semi-autobiographical.

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2. Fearless Came the Rain

 

Fearless came the rain. Hell did it pour.

It ran like a hound dog down a race track,

Its fierce speed increasing by the minute.

My clothes were drenched with the cold liquid falling down the skies,

And likewise my tears fell like the rain, soaking my face.

The only difference between my tears and the rain

Was the difference in temperature. The rain was cold,

Sending shivers down my spine as the wind blew, intensifying

The coldness felt on my body underneath the wet materials that covered it.

My tears on the other hand,

Were warm and comforting.

They helped me feel alive on that cold, wet night.

           

Lightning struck as I stood on the roof of a local block of apartments,

Quietly overlooking the city.

My mind meandered,

Thoughts flowing like a river,

Pouring emotions all over my body;

Pouring like the rain.

Every bolt of lightning resembled the pulsing of my heart;

Sudden, fierce and powerful.

Why was there no thunder? There is always thunder when a storm brews…

Maybe I was just unaware of the sounds around me.

It was a silent night.

And there I was; standing on the ledge ready to fall and

Plummet with the raindrops, hoping

To smash against the ground and

Shatter into a thousand little rain drops.

But inside, inside I was scared.

 

I never felt so much pain course through my body.

How could emotional pain take such a physical form?

The thought of jumping pained me. How so?

This is what I wanted, was it not? For years

I had been prepared for this moment to come and

Sweep me off my feet.

The time had come, it was my moment, and I was petrified.

It was as if there was a force punching and squeezing my chest tight

Every time I went to take a breath in.

Never did I believe that I would panic

As the reality of suicide stood alongside me.

           

Fearless came the rain, but fearless I was not.

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