Writing To Abigail


Abigail was my best friend.
She disappeared one day and never came back.
Well that's what they want me to think.
But I know what happened.
You gave me the note, and promised to meet me again in heaven some day.
I write letters to Abigail every day, hoping maybe she'd read them, maybe she could help.
Sometimes I can feel her, but she's not here.
Abby, please save me?


4. June 23

June 23, 2012


I couldn't sleep last night. My thoughts kept me awake. I kept rolling over to one side then another trying to make the voices shut up. BUT THEY WON'T! All the things they've said to me. All the things you've told me. Everyone thinks I'm getting better now, but really I'm bad again, everything's BAD! I can't do this anymore. But I can't hurt my step mom with another hospitalization right now, we can't afford it. After my dad got fired, everything's been tight money wise. So we can barely afford food! THANK GOD. 

I really miss you. Us. Throwing away the food in our houses while no one else was home. Bringing bags to basically everywhere to purge in. Now I'm all alone. And all I have is myself.

Some how I'm still here though.

I don't know how, I'm not exactly sure.

I have no one Abby, no one at all. No one wants me, because I'm too fucked in the head. I wonder where I'd be if I was normal, if I was like a regular sixteen year old girl. But I'm not, I'm hanging here, barely at all. Barely. How this is even possible is beyond me, because I've almost died so many times.

And I risk my life too.

Because I wouldn't care.

If there was a gunman I would put myself out there.

I could hide in the woods by wildlife during hunting season.

And I drive without a seatbelt.

I don't care.

I know you told me how I never really wanted to die because I never totally went through with anything. But you're fucking wrong Abby. You've been so wrong about so much shit. You thought you knew what went in my head. But you didn't. You were just there to witness it and help me fuck myself up more. 

And I thank you for it.

Thanks so much.

Cuz I'm almost gone.


Not here.

Thanks, Tori

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