Life of Ant

Hello, my names Ant. Funny I know. Except that joke gets less funny the more times you hear it. Over the last 14 years of my 'life' I have heard countless jokes about the adorable name my parents gave me and yes, I know that its a boys name. Fortunately I will never put my children through the pain of having a stupid name as I will call them something normal, like fly.
Anyway, this is a book of embarrassing moments of my life that (for some reason I am still trying to figure out) everyone else in this world seems to find utterly hilarious. Brilliant.


1. Shouting in cinemas

Have you ever enjoyed the delight of being chucked out of a cinema because some of your 'companions' have 'disturbed' the other veiwers? If not I will tell you how utterly thrilling it is.

Firstly your friends decide that playing that classic we'd-better-play-because-we're-so-bored-in-maths game - bogies. Apart from you are no longer in maths and you are no longer dying of complete boredom. No, you are in a public enviroment and you are trying to enjoy yourself.

Secondly, a couple of old people complain to a member of a senior management team who has so much authority that he can stare at you like you have just killed 10 people.

Thirdly (is thirdly even a word?) your mates think that a good way of saying sorry is to shout some more words (not neccassarily suitable ones).

Finally Mr I-have-so-much-power-I'm-gonna-stare-at-you removes you from the cinema and tells you he would rather you didn't return (Or words to that effect...).

This can be very embarrassing however I can assure you it is a lot more embarrassing when your father is the person making all the noise. Yes, we found that strangers don't react well if you shout
"I'm melting" half way through Les Mis in a wicked witch of the West style.

This was the least of our problems however, my old school teacher was also in the audience (not that we were in it anymore) so, as this was such a suitable time, my mother decided that we would have quick catch up session half way through the film. I gave the I'm-gonna-stare-at-you man a sympathetic look as I felt we shared the same feelings of exhaustion and complete and utter embarrassment. I found out however that this feeling was not mutual when he took me by the arm and forced me out of the emergency exit of screen 6. I wasn't sure that this was an emergency but I felt that this was perhaps not the time to question Mr I-have-so-much-authority.

Having also disturbed the other veiwers of Les Mis my school teacher recieved the same treatment as me (and the rest of my family). This is how I ended up waiting at the bus stop with my old teacher after leaving a situation due to bad behaviour. The situation comes in the top 10 of my list of awkward situations.

So there we were, sitting in a line waiting for the next bus out of town. A man walked up and stood (we were hogging all the minature too-small-for-anyone-to-actually-sit-on seats) with us. A moment later his phone rang. Obviously it was someone's idea of a joke to record themselves repeating a certain swear word as the mans ringtone. It was a cold evening and the man was wearing many many many coats and the phone didn't seem to be in any of them. The ringtone now seemed to fit the situation perfectly as the swearing got louder the longer the man tried to find the phone. Eventually the phone was situated in his bag (idiot).

He proceeded to answer the call which seemed to be from one of his mates.

"Heeey Tony! How y'doin'? No, yeah, yeah I'm great." he shouted.

"You're not going to be in a minute." whispered my dad, all to loudly. The man turned and made a rude hand signal at my father. Luckily the bus pulled up just in time, the man (still in conversation) waved his pass breifly and continued down the bus. My father walked towards the driver and got out his wallet. A stray jelly baby had been crushed inside.

"Two adults and two children." said my father.

"£9 and 52 pence please." replied the driver (how do they get those numbers?).

My father handed over a £10 note with the internal guts of a jelly baby strewn accross it. The driver stared at the note, then my father, then back at the note for a couple of moments before issuing our tickets and letting us ride his bus. We came to our stop and we got off the bus. My father decided it would be funny to give the rest of the jelly baby to the driver. It wasn't.

I never did find out what happens at the end of Les Mis.


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