The Final Goodbye (One-shot)



Braden Carmicheal isn't taking well to the death of his girlfriend, Jocelyn.




As the ink splatters on the paper, the letter says the final goodbye to Jocelyn. The one he didn't get to give.





The final goodbye.

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1. The Final Goodbye.

Dear Jocelyn.



My friend said this would be good for me. Like this was somehow talking to you in some way. Somehow I could say goodbye. That writing this goddamn letter would help me let you go. I don’t know if he’s right. I don’t know if he’s wrong. But as I have nothing else left to do in this pathetic life, I may as well give it a go.



You’ve been gone now for a month. Two months maybe. It could have been a year for all I know. And I know nothing. 



It’s been rough Joce, it’s been hard. The bed’s colder in the morning. I don’t wake up with you nestled into my side. I always jump up out of bed, looking for you. Just incase you’ll step out of the bathroom like you always did, telling me to calm down. Telling me you were fine.



But you don’t. The bathroom is empty. The bed stays cold.



I always find myself sitting on the roof, looking down at the street that took your life away from you. I always balance on one foot, dangling unnaturally close to the edge so if a gust of wind comes I might just fall onto the road below and lose mine. But that wind never comes. It’s as if you’re up in heaven, begging the gods not to let me fall. It’s like you want me here.



But I don’t want me here.



I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that you’re gone. You’re gone. The words don’t seem to make sense to me. So many people have come up to me, with grief stricken terms of endearment. I always stare back at them. Confused at what they’re talking about. You’re fine? I always think. Why are they practically crying? But then I realize they too, like everyone, loved you dearly. You have that effect on people you know.



I remember just a few days after it happenedd, this crazy old lady came up to me. She said how “sorry” she was. I snapped. I broke down in these random old lady arms. How could she be sorry? She didn’t do anything at all. It was my fault. I should have caught you. But then I get angry at you. Even though wish I didn’t.



Why did you lean over the edge Joce? You leant too far. And I didn’t even catch you. I hate blaming you. So I blame myself. People keep telling me it’s not my fault. But it is. I know it is.



Some strangers came up to me, saying that it was suicide.  My friend ended up having to drag me away from screaming at some thirteen year old girls that not even you, with your astounding beauty would take your own life away. 



Of course it wasn’t suicide. You were the happiest, most loving person I knew. You were perfect. You didn’t take your own life away and if people said you did I would make sure it was clear to them you were too good of a person to do that.



For some reason, I feel that’s what hurts the most. You died in the most un-deliberate way possible. It was merely a mistake. I remember the moment so clearly. You laughing as you ran across the beam. One misplaced step and you fell. 



You didn’t even scream Jocelyn. Maybe you did. I just didn’t hear it. I couldn’t hear anything. Everything went slow as you fell and I was jolted to the spot. My knees gave away and everything went black.



I’m not sure how it happenedd, but I woke up in hospital a few hours later. The doctors refusing to tell me what happened. It didn’t take me long to figure out what had happenedd.



It just feels like you’re on this road trip and you’re not coming back. It’s like I want to find the fastest car I can just so I can race after you, making sure you don’t slip through my fingers like icy sheets of water.



I feel tired Joce. Not because I haven’t slept or ate. Just because I’m tired. There’s this hole in my chest, where my heart is supposed to be. I think you took it to heaven with you. I think you’re just waiting for me to join you. But knowing you, you’d want me to have a long life. A family. Everything you wanted, you would want me to have.



But I don’t. All I ever wanted was you and you’re gone now. You’re gone and I’m alone.



Your smile won’t ever light up this dark house building anymore. Your laugh doesn’t ring through the walls. Everything is silent. Cold. All I can hear is this voice beckoning from up above. People would say I’m crazy. They would say “She’s not talking to you okay? You can’t hear people from heaven.”



The thing is it’s not you beckoning. It’s me.



The voice isn’t coming from heaven. It’s coming from the roof.



I’m going to come join you. I know you’ll be annoyed at first. You’ll get that little crinkle between your eyes as usual. But you’ll soften up. You’ll give me that little smile you always do when we make up. That little smile that shows everything will be okay. That little smile that shows that when you’re in love, you need to fight and scream and shout just because if you didn’t that little smile wouldn’t exist.



I love you so much. So much. More than I ever loved anyone. You’re my family and my love and my life and you know I’m not one for the clichés, but you’re perfect. You’re perfect for me and no one will ever fill the hole that you occupied.



I can’t live without you Jocelyn . I feel so bad for leaving everyone behind. I love everyone. Everyone from Dublin Street, my friends,my family, But above them I love you. And I’m not going to live without you.



Which brings me here, to the roof.



I can see some people looking up at me, so I better finish this quick before someone actually realizes I’m going to jump. 



I’m going to fold this up into a paper airplane and throw it as I jump. Then maybe you can catch it from heaven and read it while I make my way up.



My feet are cold now. They’re just swung over the ledge. Dangling.



So finally, I didn’t say goodbye when you left. So I will say it now. Goodbye Joce. But I guess I don’t really need to, since I’ll be seeing you in a minute.



I love you so much. I’ll left little notes here and there for the boys, just so they know I love them.



I’m feeling a little dizzy now and my eyes are a bit blurred. It’s like my body knows what’s going to happen to it as it hits the unforgivable ground.



I’m scared. I’m scared of the pain. I’m scared of what I’m leaving behind. I’m really scared Joce. Usually when I’m scared we cuddle up on the couch and watch sappy movies eating chocolate. Not now. Now I’m scared and the only that will help is if I end it now. Quick.



My whole body is shaking and my words are getting messier as write the last words I’ll ever write. I love you and I’m sorry.



I’m going to take my last breath and fold this letter up.



See you soon Jocelyn.



Love Braden.

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