Little Things

Fliss feels lost when her big brother Louis goes on tour, she feels that starving herself is the only control she has left in her life. When Louis and his bandmates come home for a surprise visit they are shocked to find her looking gaunt and frail..Harry begins to uncover Fliss' secrets..but ends up having to cover up something else...


2. Don't Cancel The Tour!

My eyes felt heavy as the glaring sun shone onto my eyelids. My body felt weak and upon remembering the incidences of last night, I just wanted to curl up into a ball and never wake up. I opened my eyes and sat up slowly. Louis and Harry's beds were empty, their duvets lying messily on the mattresses. I crept out into the hall way. The smell of toast and bacon wafted up the stairs. I could hear the boys chatting and laughing. But I couldn't hear Harry's voice.. I crept down a few stairs and lent over the banister. Zayn's voice suddenly rose out of the blur of noise, "Harry, mate you seem a bit okay?" The other boys quietened down, awaiting his reply. "Hmm..what? Yeah I'm fine.." He said distantly, "Just thinking about..something" I knew what that something was. I felt guilty for telling him now..I've just given him something else to worry about..something he doesn't need to worry about. At least I know he hasn't told anyone... "I'll go wake up Fliss" Louis said walking towards the kitchen door. His bare footsteps were coming along the hallway and suddenly I didn't know where to go..should I go back upstairs and pretend to be asleep? Or walk downstairs as if I've just woken up? In the end I did neither of these things and I just stood aimlessly on the stairs. "Oh Morning Fliss.. Thought you were asleep" Louis said his cheeky smile appearing on his face. I suddenly felt very vulnerable and afraid of what was going to happen to me.. And Louis was only here for a week. I wrapped my arms around his waist and wrapped put his arms around me. I buried my head into his t-shirt and the tears began to pour out. My eyes were like waterfalls and my body shook as I sobbed into Louis' chest. "Flissy, what's the matter?" Louis said gently, More sobs pored out and Louis held me tighter, " Oh Fliss.." Louis held me close for a few moments until the tears subsided. Then he gently lifted my head to look at him. His brown eyes melting into mine. "What's all this about? All the tears? The secrecy? The weight loss? " I looked down avoiding his eye line, "I just miss you" I whispered..A single tear rolling down my cheek.
"I can tell when your not telling me everything..Fliss you can tell me anything" I buried my head in Louis top again. I was lost for words..I just didn't know how to explain how I felt. How it felt to have the person who you love most in the world, away for months on end. How it feels to have no one to confide in, no one to tell your secrets to. How it feels when your expected to be perfect.. But your not. How it feels to never be good enough. How it feels when people tease you for having a 'gay' brother when you know he is happy with Eleanor. How it feels when people say your not good enough to have Louis as your brother, or how you don't deserve him and that he's ashamed of you..and how it feels when you start believing that what they say is true..

I sat awkwardly at the kitchen table with my glass of ice cold water. The boys sat in silence around me, picking at the bacon sandwiches. Even Niall seemed to have lost his appetite. "We need to talk" Louis said suddenly. "I'm worried that things at home aren't going right..that Fliss isn't okay" he looked at me, then towards the boys, " I think I'm needed at home, I .. I don't think I can carry on with the tour" The silence was deafening. It felt like an eternity before anyone spoke. "I agree" Said Harry "I'm not leaving until Fliss is better"
"Same..we need to be here for her" Zayn agreed.
"Yeah..we're not letting a member of our family suffer.." Liam said gently.
"Fliss were gonna stay here as long as you need us" Niall added.
I felt mortified. No way were they cancelling their tour because of me! There's nothing wrong with me!! "NO!" I blurted out "I'm not ill! There's nothing wrong with me!" The boys looked up blankly. "Pp..please don't cancel the rest of the tour!" Louis put his hand on my shoulder. "We're so worried about need help" he said looking tearful.
"NO! NO! NO!" I screamed and ran up the stair as fast as I could. I dived under the covers. And cried. And cried. My body shook with sobs. My head pounded. When my sobs subsided I lay motionless on the mind spinning with seemed like hours that I lay there alone. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up. It was Louis. His eyes were red and puffy, his cheeks pink. He'd been crying. "Harry told me what happened..last night" I looked down.. "I don't think you get it?! How ill you actually are. You should be in hospital on a feeding tube." I was shocked. "Fliss your anorexic..and possibly bulimic after last nights incident" The words burnt like fire. Anorexic. Bulimic. No not me. "Lou I'm fine honestly.."
"No your not. I called a lady at an eating disorder clinic and she says you need help" Was this some kind of joke? " i love you so much and I just want to help you.. I'd hate myself if I let anything happen to you" Tears streamed down my face. My hands were shaking like a leaf as I gently brushed away a stray tear. "Please Lou, don't cancel the rest of the tour.. I..I ..I promise I will eat..I really long as you don't cancel the tour!" Louis bit his lip with uncertainty. "The tour starts again in London in a week, if you can prove to me your eating more then we won't cancel..okay?" I had a week to prove to Louis and the boys that I was getting better..but I didn't know how to get better.. 'Just eat' everyone says..but it's not that simple..not anymore.

The next morning I forced myself to eat a fruit salad for breakfast. Mum didn't go to work that day and her eyes hung down with tiredness and anxiety. I think Louis told her about ha had happened..and my promise. Everyone sat in silence at the breakfast table..all their eyes were on me as I lifted a slice of banana to my mouth. I avoided their eyes and finished the fruit salad. The doorbell rang and Louis rushed to answer it, closely followed by Zayn and Liam. Eleanor's familiar voice filled the hallway as did Perrie and Danielle's. I had missed them too.. They were like my big sisters but I just didn't get to see them very much when the boys were away. I pushed my chair back from the table and went into the hall. "Fliss!" Eleanor said releasing Louis from their hug and enclosing me in one. Danielle and Perrie also rushed over and a series of hugs followed. None of them mentioned my weightloss.. Probably because the boys were over reacting.. And Eleanor, Danielle and Perrie were obviously wayyyyy skinnier! "Hey El, Danielle and Perrie" I smiled. Louis put his arm around me and said " were going to the studio to record today so I thought that you four could go on a girly shopping spree!"

Lots of teenage girls kept stopping us (well mainly Perrie and not me!) asking for pictures. We walked through town and went into TopShop, Urban Outfitters and a few other trendy shops. I hadn't laughed so much in months and it felt good to feel genuinely happy for once. I didn't try on any clothes as i knew i would get the changing room wobbles but i enjoyed watching El do a mini catwalk In topshop and helping Perrie decide on a dress for the Brits which were in just under a week. The happiness didn't last too long though. We stopped at Pret A Manger for lunch. I wasn't hungry. I told them I wasn't hungry. Danielle suggested i just got a hot chocolate or something then. I refused. I then got a lecture on body image and how thin I was. I cried and Eleanor suggested we went home. Yes, once again I ruined everyone's day.

That evening all nine of us (Mum decided to go to a friends house for dinner.) curled up on the sofa watching Toy Story-Much to Liam's delight it was showing on Film 4. I was relaxed cuddled up between Niall and Harry. My stomach applauded with the sound of hunger, yet I had forgotten nobody here had eaten dinner yet. Until the doorbell rang and a large curry, popadoms and Nam bread arrived from the local takeaway. It smelt like grease. I buried my face into Niall's jumper as Louis,Liam and Danielle laid out the food. Everyone began to tuck in. Niall gently moved me over and leaned in to get some food. I caught Louis eye and he beckoned me outside. "Fliss, I understand if you feel like you can't eat this..but you have to eat something okay?" I looked down to the floor, shuffling my feet. "I made you a salad, I thought you might like that better" I looked up and smiled. Louis really is the best big brother in the world.

Danielle and Perrie went home the next day but Eleanor stayed at ours. She kindly slept on the sofa so Louis could stay with me. No matter how many times the boys, El or my mum told me i was skinny i just couldn't believe them. When i looked in the mirror all i saw was an obese whale. The next few days I became very sneaky. I hid bits of food up my sleeves, lied about how I had eaten and threw almost everything in the bin. I ended up eating even less than I had been during the last few months. I went running every morning whilst the boys were at rehearsals and Eleanor was still asleep. I felt light headed and dizzy. My stomach felt raw and starved. But it made me feel good. I felt a bit skinnier every time I didn't eat. The boys were travelling for a few hours on the train everyday to go to rehearsals in London. The travelling was exhausting for them and there tiredness was becoming more and more obvious. One day when the boys came home we were sitting round the kitchen table and Louis said "we've been thinking, the travelling to London and back everyday is too exhausting, so were going to all go back to living in our apartments in London." My heart sank. They were leaving me again. "But..Mum has agreed you can come with us!" He said with a beaming excited smile, "Only until the end of the Easter holidays and only if you want to.."
"Of course I want to!" I said throwing my arms around Louis.
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