Dreaming With Secrets

Harry has an odd, reoccurring dream about some mystery girl. When he finds out that Zayn knows who this girl is, Harry wants to get to know her. Zayn however, doesn't approve of Harry getting to know her. Even against Zayn's will, they get together. No matter how hard Zayn tries, they both push to be together. But when Zayn tries to pull them apart and Bethany ends up right back in her past, can Harry save her and get Zayn to approve of them, or will Bethany's past kill her first?
Includes self harm references/actions, sex, drugs, alcohol, and cursing

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16. The Scars of the Past

 

Get up sleepy heads!” I heard Bradie yell from above us. I groaned and rolled more into Harry who squeezed me.

“Go away…” I groaned sleepily.

“No can do…we’re packing up the cars to go back to Lou’s house.” Bradie said.

“I don’t feel like driving right now.” Harry grumbled.

“Maybe if you two slept last night, we wouldn’t have this problem.”

“We did sleep…what time is it anyway?” I asked.

“Around noon.” Zee said as she walked over.

“Already? I feel like it’s like…six in the morning.” I groaned.

“Well, normally it’s around seven back home so that doesn’t surprise me.” Bradie said sassily.

“I hate all of you.” I groaned as Harry got up. “HARRRRREH!” I yelled.

“Guys, come on!” Liam yelled. I groaned and finally got up. Harry was folding blankets, not paying attention to me. Bradie and Zee had gone back over to the cars so it was just us two.

“Good morning.” I whispered. Harry stood up and smiled at me.

“Good morning to you too.” Harry said to me. “How’d you sleep?”

“Pretty good actually. How about you?”

“As good as I can for sleeping on the ground.” Harry smirked. “Unlike you, who slept on me all night.”

“I probably kept you warm, so don’t even complain.” I said as I nudged him.

“Yeah, you did.” Harry said.

“ARE YOU TWO COMING?!” Louis yelled at us and Harry finished folding up our blankets.

“We should probably go…” Harry said. I smirked and kissed his cheek.

“Okay.”  Harry grabbed the blankets and we walked back to the cars together.

“Finally!” Niall said. I looked at him and he had Bradie leaning on him, half asleep.

“Screw you.” I said.

“I love you too, Bethany.” Niall said with a smirk.

“Are you two ready to go?” Stan asked. Harry and I both nodded. “Then shall we be on our way?”

“Let’s go love.” Harry said as he grabbed my hand. We all climbed into the cars. We waited until Louis started the car and started leaving so we could follow him back to his house.

On the way back to Louis’s house, I started to feel a dropping feeling in my stomach. I didn’t feel sick or worried…I just wasn’t feeling myself.

We got to Louis’s house a little over an hour later.

“Louis, where can I sleep? I’m still tired…” I whispered.

“Yeah, you can take Lottie’s room.” Louis said.

“Where is her room?” I asked quietly. Louis motioned for me to follow him as he walked passed me. I followed him down the hall and up the stairs.

“Here it is.” Louis said as she pushed her door open.

“Thanks Lou.” I whispered.

“Hey…” Louis grabbed my arm before I could fully walk in. I turned to look at him. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just really tired.” I whispered. Something in Louis’s eyes told me he didn’t believe me but he wasn’t going to push the issue.   

“You would tell me, or someone if something was wrong…right?”

“Louis…I’ll be fine.” I said. I kissed his cheek and nudged him out of the room.

“Okay…” I closed the door slowly before fully turning into the room. It wasn’t an overly busy room. I walked over to the queen sized bed and fell onto it. I squirmed my way under the blankets and pulled them up to my chin as I felt tears prick my eyes. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to push away any thought of self-harm that I could accomplish before someone came up to check on me.

I stayed up in Lottie’s room, not sure how long I’ve been up here. All I was focused on was staying in this bed and not moving. The tears were still falling steadily down my face and the thought of cutting my own skin open to watch myself bleed was becoming more and more inviting. I threw the blankets back, unable to hold myself down. I walked over to where Jay had dropped our bags and started digging through mine. I grabbed my bathroom bag and walked back over to my bed. I dug through it until I found my razor. I was staring at it and was holding it to my wrist when the door opened.

“Bethany, are you awake?” I looked up just as the razor pressed hard enough onto my wrist, making a cut. Harry pushed the door open and I just dropped the razor onto the ground. Harry watched it fall and wordlessly walked over. I felt the tears start to fall faster, afraid of what he was going to say. He bent over to pick up the razor. He looked at it before walking over to the garbage to throw it out. He picked up the bag that was next to the bed and fished through it, pulling out every single one of my razors. He took them all over to the garbage and threw those out too. He then grabbed a tissue from the nightstand and gently wiped the little blood droplet’s from my wrists.

“Harry…” I whispered. My voice was barely audible. He got up and walked back to the garbage to throw out the tissue. When we looked at me, I could tell he was trying not to cry. “Harry?” I asked again.

“Yes?” He whispered.

“Are you mad?” Harry didn’t answer. Instead, he laid down on Lottie’s bed and pulled me down next to him. He pulled me close to him and started running his hand through my hair.

“No.” He said simply.

“Why not…?”

“Because you’re strong and I know you probably were up here the whole time trying to talk yourself out of it, but finally gave up.” I felt the tears start to fall even faster, yet again.

“How’d you know…?”

“Because you told me that you try not to do it and only do it when you get overwhelmed or when you just get into that state of mind. I could tell on the way home you were getting into that state of mind and to be honest, I believed you would be able to fight it off for awhile. I wanted to leave you alone because that’s what you wanted. I came upstairs when I had a gut feeling something was getting to be more wrong than before.” I wrapped my arms around Harry’s waist and cried into him silently, though the tears were falling fast and heavy.

For the first time in any relationship I have ever been in, I felt like I was understood. He didn’t yell at me for my past, he understood, or tried to understand what I was going through and tried to help me…even if helping me is just leaving me alone for awhile. I squeezed onto Harry tighter, not wanting to let him go. I felt Harry move slightly and than his lips on my head. He left a small kiss on my head, making me cry even harder, if that was even possible.

“I've never seen you looking so lovely as you did tonight, I've never seen you shine so bright, I've never seen so many men ask you if you wanted to dance, they're looking for a little romance, given half a chance and I've never seen that dress you're wearing or that highlights in your hair that catch your eyes, I have been blind, the lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek, there's nobody here, it's just you and me, it's where I wanna be but I hardly know this beauty by my side, I'll never forget the way you look tonight…” Harry sang softly into my ear. I sniffled and looked up at him. His eyes were glazed over from holding back tears.

“And what song is that…?” I whispered quietly. Harry smiled down at me.

“Lady in Red.” Harry said. “It would probably have to be my favorite love song ever written.” Harry continued to run his fingers through my hair as I rested my head back down on his chest. His singing, and when he ran his fingers through my hair calmed me down without failing. Even in the worst of moods where it seems as if nothing can calm me down, Harry singing to me and running his hands through my hair always seemed to work. Harry continued to hum the rest of the song while my eyes started to droop.

 

Zee:

I wasn’t sure what it was, but I had a feeling in my stomach that I couldn’t really explain. I was worried about Bethany, and have been since the car ride home but I never said anything because as soon as we got back, she wanted to go to bed. I figured it was nothing but when I looked over at Harry and saw the same look in his eyes that I got when something wasn’t right with Bethany; I knew something was really wrong. I was more than relieved when he went upstairs to check on her, but that didn’t change the fact that I was worried.

“Are you okay?” Louis whispered into my ear.

“Just worried.” I whispered back. I looked up at him and he gave me a confused look. “About Bethany…”

“I think she’ll be alright…” Louis whispered slowly.

“What…do you know something I don’t?” I asked, suddenly very alert.

“Other than the fact that she’s in a mood, as you two call it…no.” I leaned back into the couch. I figured it was Bethany that I was getting all this heaviness from but I wasn’t sure; Louis just confirmed it for me.

“Everyone- dinner!” Jay called a few minutes later.

“I’ll go get Harry and Bethany.” I said slowly. Louis kissed y head before I started my way upstairs. I found Lottie’s room and knocked lightly in case they were busy.

“Come in!” I heard Harry call. I opened the door slowly and saw them both on the bed, but both above the covers and fully dressed.

“Dinner is ready…” I said slowly. Bethany had her face dug into Harry’s shoulder, like she had no intention of moving.

“Come on love.” Harry whispered. Bethany mumbled something that I couldn’t hear. Harry detangled himself and kissed her head before walking towards the door.

“Watch her for me, okay?” Harry asked, worry coating his voice. I nodded and he walked out of the room, closing the door on his way out. Bethany was curled in a ball on the bed, looking helpless.

“Bethany?” I whispered. She didn’t move or say anything so I slowly walked over to her. “Babe?” I asked even quieter. It was when I got right to the side of the bed that I noticed she was practically asleep and probably crying herself the rest of the way to sleep. I walked to the other side of the bed and crawled onto the bed with her. “I love you…” I whispered. She lifted her head up slightly and looked me in the eyes. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was completely pale. I reached over and wiped the tears from her eyes, making her squeeze her eyes shut as I drew closer to her eyes.

“I love you too.” She finally whispered out.

“I’m never going to leave you…” I heard her whimper again and I just squirmed closer to her. I pulled her closer to me and just let her cry into me. I was trying to force myself not to cry but it wasn’t working.

“I wouldn’t be able to live if you did…” Bethany stammered into my side. It was then that the tears started falling from my eyes. I tried not to cry when she needed me but when she seemed to be in this bad of shape, whether she showed how bad of shape she was in or not, I couldn’t help but cry; she’s my miracle, and I couldn’t stand seeing her like this. I loved her too much… I pulled her closer to me, not wanting to ever let her go. I wanted to squeeze all the hurt out of her and take it on for myself just so she would be able to know what it felt like to not have to fight through all the pain anymore, but knowing it didn’t work like that hurt me more than I ever thought possible.

 

Bethany:

Having Zee here for me meant a lot more than anyone could ever think. Yes, having Harry here for me helped me so much but having Zee here…she knew everything about me- good and bad, has been through part of it herself too, so it just helped me a little bit more. It helped the part that not even Harry could fix.

I cried into her, not ever wanting to let her go.

“Do you want to come down for dinner?” Zee whispered into my ear a few minutes later.

“I’m not hungry…” I mumbled.

“Bethany…you’ve barely eaten anything since April…probably before that, I just never noticed. Please try and eat something. Jay will think you don’t like her cooking.”

“I don’t know…”

“At least have a couple bites of something…for me and Harry?” I sniffled and sat up. I looked at Zee and her eyes were begging me.

“I guess…” I whispered. Zee smiled and sat up. She pulled me up with her and we walked downstairs hand in hand.

“There you two are!” Jay called happily. “I left two seats open for you two.”

“Thanks Jay.” Zee said happily. We were placed between Harry and Louis; me by Harry and Zee, and Zee by me and Lou.

“Help yourselves!” Jay said happily before walking out of the kitchen with her plate. Zee piled the food onto her plate and then turned to me.

“What do you want?” Zee asked. I just shook my head and looked down at my lap. “Bethany…” Zee said slowly. I looked over at her.

“What?”

“You promised you would eat a little…”

“You have to ask her to eat? From what I remember, she doesn’t stop eating.” Niall pointed out. Zee, Bradie, and I said nothing.

“Niall…” Bradie finally said.

“What?” Niall asked as he shoved some chicken into his mouth.

“Can I tell him Bethany?” Bradie asked slowly. I nodded my head and looked back down at my lap. “She has an eating disorder…she doesn’t like to eat.”

“Wait…so…you starve yourself?” Niall asked with his mouth still full. Without looking up, I nodded my head.

“Bethany…” Liam said slowly.

“Can you all just fucking drop it?! I know it isn’t healthy!” I yelled. I pushed my chair out from beneath me and ran out of the room. I pushed the front door open and stormed out. I stopped when I reached the sidewalk and took a deep breath. I ran my hands over my face and sat down on the side of the road.

“Sweetie?” I looked up and Jay was standing next to me. I looked back down and Jay sat down next to me. “Are you alright?”

“Not really…” I said slowly.

“Do you want to talk about it?” I sighed and look back and forth.

“I sort of do but…I don’t know where to start. It’s such a long story.” I said slowly.

“Well, why don’t you start at the beginning? That’s always a good place to start.” I gave Jay a half smile and nodded.

“Well…I don’t know. It happened on the boys’ first trip to America.”

“When they were performing at MSG?”

“Yeah.” I said with a nod. “I knew Zayn because he was an exchange student and stayed with me and I guess he preprogrammed the GPS to take the boys to our house. I got home and they were all there… and you know when you look at someone and you know you see something in them and part of you already loves them?” I asked slowly, thinking I sounded crazy.

“No, I know the feeling.” Jay said.

“Yeah, I felt that with Harry…but Zayn has this huge problem with us to the extent where he is controlling us. When they left back for England, Harry and I still tried to talk but Zayn was making it difficult and…when we came here for summer because of Zee and Louis…I told Zayn off because all of the shit he was putting me through because it caused me a lot of stress which led me back into my depression and now I have an eating disorder…it’s hard to function because of him.”

“He’s trying to keep you from Harry?” Jay asked, surprised. I nodded slowly without a single word. “Well I can’t tell you why, but I think you and Harry are just brilliant together. Don’t let it get you, alright?” I nodded and Jay stood up. “If you ever need anything dear, you can just ask me…alright? I know it’s hard to call your family because of you being across the pond.”

“Thanks Jay.” I whispered.

“Anything for you love.” Jay said. She turned around and walked back inside. I stayed where I was watching the cars drive by. Every few minutes, some teenagers would walk by but none of them paid any attention to me.

“Hey there.” I looked up and Niall came and sat down next to me.

“Hey.” I said quietly.

“You know I didn’t mean to sound so…I don’t know. But I feel bad now.” Niall said as he fumbled over his words.

“It wasn’t you Niall…” I said slowly.

“Than what was it? I mean…you don’t have anger problems now, do you?”

“No, I just…I have mood swings.”

“That would explain how you went from silent to bitching and storming out…”

“Did you come out here to seriously talk about my problems?” I demanded.

“No.” Niall said slowly.

“Then what do you want?” I snapped. Niall didn’t say anything, but instead pulled me to him and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I dug my face into his side and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m so done…” I whispered.

“Done with what?”

“Zayn…all the shit he pulled and where he put me…”

“I agree, he’s going way overboard…but…you are letting him win if you keep letting him get to you like this.” I let Niall go and looked up at him. He dropped his arm and shrugged.

“For someone so clueless, you sure know what you’re talking about.” I stated. Niall flashed his metallic smile at me.

“I’m not totally clueless…just most of the time.” Niall joked. I giggled and Niall stood up. “Do you want to come inside with the rest of us?” I shook my head.

“No thanks…I want to be alone right now.”

“Well, if you need anything, everyone inside minus Zayn is here for you.”

“Thanks Niall.” I said. He leaned over and kissed my head before going back inside. At this point, the cars were coming more and more frequently since it was rush-hour.

“Still out here, huh?” I looked up and this time Harry was coming to sit next to me.

“How long have I been out here for?” I asked.

“A couple hours; are you cold?” I shook my head and Harry leaned back on his hands.

“When was the last time you ate?” Harry asked slowly. I shrugged and looked back at him.

“I don’t remember the last time I had a full meal and kept it down.” I said slowly. Harry nodded and looked down at the ground, making me turn away.  

“What else don’t I know about you?” Harry finally asked.

“A lot.” I answered simply. I looked back at him again and he looked up at me.

“Bethany…” Harry said slowly.

“Wait, don’t say it…let me guess; I’m too much to handle, I have too much baggage for you to handle, and you want to break up, right? Let’s just get it out now.” I said and turned away with tears already forming in my eyes.

“That wasn’t what I was going to say at all. In fact, I was going to say the exact opposite.” I looked back at him and his eyes caught mine.

“What were you going to say?” I whispered.

“I was going to say that I was going to help you through this…that I wasn’t going anywhere.” Harry whispered. He slid closer to me and pulled me into his arms. I wrapped my arms around him and started to cry into his shirt. Harry quietly ran his hands through my hair and quietly whispered “shhh…” into my ear over and over again.

I finally calmed down enough to the point where I wasn’t crying anymore. Harry let me go and I sat up slightly so I wasn’t in his lap anymore. I still had my head leaning on his shoulder though and he had on arm around my waist. His head was also resting on mine; making his chocolate curls tickle my forehead.

We sat there until the sun was completely down. After it was dark to the point where we could barely see each other, we walked inside. Jay was in the kitchen cleaning and said everyone else was downstairs. We made our way down to the basement.

“Well hey there!” Bradie said happily. I smiled weakly as Harry led me over to an empty space on the couch. He sat down and pulled me down next to him. I curled into his side and closed my eyes.

“Hey.” Harry said slowly.

“What time are we leaving tomorrow?” I asked quietly.

“Do you want to go home that bad?” Harry asked.

“I don’t know…I just want to know…” I said.

“You can take her home now and I’ll just drive everyone home tomorrow if she really isn’t feeling that well.” Louis said.

“Are you sure?” Harry asked slowly.

“Go ahead. I’d rather her get better than be somewhere where she isn’t getting better at all, possibly worse.” Louis said, clearly meaning Zayn.

“Do you want to go home, Bethany?” Harry asked me. I nodded slowly and Harry sat me up. “Let’s go get your stuff.” Harry and I walked upstairs and grabbed our bags. When we walked back down, Jay was walking out of the kitchen.

“Where are you going?” Jay asked.

“Bethany isn’t feeling great and just want to go back home.” Harry said. I nodded slowly and Jay gave me sad eyes.

“If you ever need me dear, just give me a call.” Jay said as she pulled me into a hug. I hugged her back tightly just as everyone else came upstairs. Harry and I gave them each a hug before walking out to the car. 

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