I had been waiting months for this moment to come around; for me to build up the confidence to finally face those midnight eyes. What I didn't expect, was the silence that would follow.
My entry for the Speechless competition.


1. Here Goes Nothing


January 23rd 2013 

Here goes. I would do it today. I took a deep breath, relaxing my shoulders and growing a smile on my face.

I’d never done this before really. I was nervous yet excited, fuelled on adrenaline and just wanting to know the truth.

I had been waiting months for this moment. I had been plucking up the courage to ask him since September when we’d first met in history class. He was funny, attractive and everything you could ever want in a guy really. Those midnight blue eyes swallowed me whole, enticing me with the unknown, like the expanse of night sky that gave way to foreign space where anything could be out there.

He stood under the roof of the English block, chatting and laughing with some friends whilst sheltering from the pouring rain that formed like a barrier between us and them. It fell in diamond beads, bouncing off the top of my umbrella, reflecting spectrums created by the small rays of sunlight that leaked through the bleak blanket of clouds.

“Go on, Soph. You can do this.” Katie prompted me from behind, nodding towards the boys under the shelter.

“You’re right.” I took a deep breath, “I can.” I descended the group of three stairs and headed towards the shelter, locking my eyes onto the back of his head.

Katie went over to stand with the other lads, chatting to Connor whilst he sang some song he’d heard on YouTube. He had his arm slung around my cousin, Megan. They had been going out for a few months now and seemed happy together. He seemed to have matured a little since he got with her, which was a good thing.

I took one last glance at Katie, needing that final reassurance that everything would be ok. She winked at me and nodded her head towards him. He was now looking at me, a smile spreading across his face; his midnight eyes lighting up a little when he saw me. goes nothing.

“Hey, Dan.” I said, flashing him a smile.

“Hi, Soph, you alright?” He replied, sending me a smile that went straight to my heart.

“I’m good thanks. Oh no!” Now to go for it.

“Is everything alright?” Dan asked, checking me over to see if I was ok.

“Yeah, I just- I forgot to give Mrs Ziprin my Spanish homework yesterday. She wanted me to give it to her so I need to get to her as soon as.”

“I could go with you if you want?” Dan replied, glancing towards his friends to see they were preoccupied.

“That’d be great. Thanks, Dan.”

“No problem.”

I yelled to the others “Just going to give Zippo my homework!” before leaving side by side with Dan.

“Have a good weekend?” I ask, hoping to get the conversation flowing before I ask.

“Yeah, it was pretty good. Had to get up ridiculously early for swimming on Saturday but aside from that, I did nothing.”

“You swim?”

“Yeah. Have done for a while.”

“Speaking of Saturday...” I had found my route in. My heart pounding in my chest, my vision blurred a little from the nerves.

He nodded, stopping and staring straight into my eyes. My words lodged themselves in my throat, collapsing like a house in a tornado.

“Erm...” get yourself together, Sophia! “You know how I said I may like someone?”

“Uh huh” he replied, still looking me in the eye.

“Well...I think you should know that,” I took a final deep breath before letting the words roll of my tongue, “that person is you.”

His face seemed to fall, his eyes filling with confusion with a slight edge of sympathy.

“I’m-I’m so sorry, Sophia, but...” oh God, this was such a bad idea, “I just don’t feel the same way...” he trailed off in a whisper, no longer able to meet my gaze.

I wanted there to be tears. I thought there would be at least, but my eyes were as dry as the Sahara desert; not a drop fell.

“It’s-I understand.” I said, stone faced, and then walked off into the block where my Spanish teacher would be.

A lump lodged itself in my throat but no tears threatened my eyes. A hole had begun to dig itself in my chest but I strangely didn’t feel all that upset. I had imagined myself in this situation, feeling like I had nothing. I was completely the opposite though. Revitalisation hit me; new life came up fresh within me, like roses from the earth, gracing the air with their beautiful scent after the storm.

Then I thought to myself, wondering if anyone would ever like me in that way or if I’d be better off keeping my feelings silenced. Would life be better staying in emotional silence? Would it be easier and painless?

The hole was still there, despite the relief, a hole that dug deep into my self esteem. This hole needed filling, but I just kept digging t deeper and deeper, further into my centre.

If Dan turned you down, who would ever want to go out with you?

All your other friends have boyfriends. Maybe nobody likes you. Maybe you’re nothing.

These thoughts buzzed around in my head, producing the sharp thorns for the rose’s stems. They pricked at confidence, shredding it slowly with burning red cuts that bloomed with hurt.

From that day on, I would never be the same. I would shutter myself in an eternal emotional silence to prevent the twist of my gut and those butterflies ever guiding me again. 

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