Hold on till May. (Nothing's fine)

I was normal when I was with people. But behind closed doors. I was a mess. Nothing is alright. *Contains Self harm,another touchable subjects * I DON'T OWN THE PICTURE!

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Hi my name is Rolyn (Row-lyn), and this is my last few days of breathing air.Feeling pain and most importantly dealing with myself. No this isn't a story of me being bullied into my choice. It was all me,maybe them alittle too. I just couldn't take it any longer. I promised my best friend that I will try to stay a little longer just for her. But I always break promises.......

Friday April-10
I woke up for like any other day my mom waking me up for school. Me getting ready putting on my horrible school uniform. I curled my colorful hair and put a beanie on top of my head. I did my usual dark eye liner and Blistex. I grab my bag and was out the door. "Have a nice day sweetie!"My mom yelled to me. " I'll try." I said under my breath. I walked to the bus stop. Listening to my play-list that consist of One Direction,Sleeping With Sirens, and Pierce The Veil. Now I was never this way you see. I was the happiest person in the group of friends. In any bad situation I would try to brighten it up. But in my Freshman year ( Year 9) I was friends with these two girls.Darcy and Dawn. I was the biggest one there. Them being 110 pounds and lighter and little old fat me being 200 and over pounds. No I didn't look really big. (Who am I kidding?) But at the time I thought I was a little chubby nothing is wrong with that. But they always made remarks towards it. I didn't think anything of it.They were my friends they meant no harm. That's when we met my best friend Brittany. She join our group, all the boys were on us. Most importantly me. Finally boys notice me. I was trilled. I never had a boyfriend and I was 15. I felt like that was to long over due. But then one day in a class all 4 of us had, me and Brittany were sitting in our usual spot but when they came in they rolled their eyes at us and sat somewhere else. We were confused at what happened. But we waited until we walked home after that class. When we asked we found out they didn't like my best friend anymore and she wasn't "allowed" in our group. She was upset but left it be.Now I was stuck in between a hard problem. I had to split my time with all three girls. Darcy and Dawn were always together so it was easier that way. But then they basically got mad every time I hanged out with Brittany so I basically dropped her as a friend. In the classes we had they would "bully" her make fun of her call her names. Everything. I didn't do a thing to her just pay no mind to it. But the boys that would hang with us joined in. They stopped that after a week or two getting tired of her.So after break I thought I was being unfair to Brittany. So I started hanging with her more. After all she was my best friend. They took that as I didn't like them anymore. I didn't care I was being wrong to her so they could just suck it. But boy was I wrong. All the boys that talked to me stopped. It started. Them talking about me loudly so I can hear it. Calling me fat and all these horrible names. I rode it out it was nothing. But it progressed even more when one day our math teacher quit leaving sub teachers everyday. They would call me names and throw things at me. If I didn't move I would get hit the face. Nobody helped they continued on their phones or talking to their friends. I would manage courage to tell them stop but that made it worst. They did it more, my best friend was in that class but she never really did anything. Because she was never in the class,but when she was they wouldn't do it. It got the point where I cut that class everyday. Getting the work from the new teacher then going to the library and did the work. But every Friday the library was closed so I had to go to class. I wanted to cry everyday but I didn't dare give them something more to get at me with. I made new friends and was happy until that class. Boys started to talk to me once more,filling my head with lies. Their were Seniors( Year 12) for god sake. I felt wanted! I got a boyfriend and that turned to shit! Then months passed of the torment. But one day Dawn left because of family matters. Making Darcy stop everything. I was finally getting everything back to normal. That's when a boy who still talked to her told me she wanted to beat me up. I didn't need that at all, because everyday at home I had many problems. That I couldn't fix, just sit back and watch.She knew where I lived and threaten to go there to get me. I told him to tell her that "I don't need that" and her word were never put to life. I stood out of Darcys' way not even making eye contact with her. The year ended and summer was fresh in the air. That's when I lost it all. I thought of all the things they said and looked at my self and believed it all. I was so fucking depressed in my head, but on the outside I was the same old Rolyn. Nobody suspected anything. In the summer time I thought it over and over about cutting myself but never did it. The next year rolled by making me a Sophomore ( Year 10) . I was happy I got to see my best friend again and tell her everything. But we didn't have any classes together. I was alone once again. Yes I had many friends by my side at every moment but I was still alone. This was the year my home situation was getting worst. My grandma got really sick almost dying to many times to count on my fingers. She was a fighter,my rock if you can say. I would hear some remarks the same girls were making about me but now through other people. I found out from the laughter at me. I went home crying many times, and it wasn't even the third month of school. My mom was never home to hear my sobs.So to ease it all I gotten into drugs and alcohol at one point.It cleared my mind and the buzz was just amazing.Not having to think.  I got fed up with it all. From their remarks, to the thoughts in my head. I had bracelets on my arms. I use it to slap it hard on my skin leaving big bruises. I didn't care. I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't cut as long my grandma was alive. But I seen my own best friend leave me for another girl. Barley saying "Hi" to me anymore. I thought of that girl as a sister. It broke my heart. So when I went to take a shower I grab a razor and cut small cuts in my upper leg. Why not make my outside as ugly as my inside. Nobody likes me. It didn't stop there. I made another useless promise to my self. Never cut my wrist. But once more I failed and one day did it. Every time the blade made contact with my skin. I felt everything leave my mind. I looked at it would stop bawling my eyes out and just smile. It felt so right. I never cut deep enough to leave a mark. I was getting worst by the minute. I stopped eating because I was nasty,fat,ugly! I was only doing me a favor.To make things even harder, my mom was drooping signs of me being fat then laugh about it. Tell me she doesn't love me. That she only does every now and then.I changed everything to make people happy but failed. I was getting judge everywhere I went. I keep everything bottled up. Finally me and Brittany worked everything out and I vented to her. I cried and all. That help for alittle. Were now back to me waiting for the bus. Same school year the winter air making me lose feeling in my hands and face. I was tired of everything,but I stay formy promise to Brittany.She was crying when she said "You look at me don't every leave me!" From today the last time I ate was 4 days ago. I went to school did my usual classes. But today I was walking home with Brittany. I was so happy to talk to her. I had great news to tell her. A boy named Liam liked me! He would say the nicest things to me. Make me feel like I was the only one. Oh did I meant he struggle from self harm too. Making he even more perfect in my eyes.

Rolyn's Outfit

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