Over Again

Falling part isn't what I want. I want a happy life, not a life where I'm living painful memory over again....

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1. It's Pefect

 

“I don’t know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”      

    ― Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower   

 

With each breath I take, each step, each tear I cry, I hurt more and more every-time. I want it to stop, I want to stop feeling like I'm worthless and I want someone anyone to care. I want it to get better but who am I kidding, I'm worthless!   

I need to get out of here, I need to breathe, I need to feel. Running down the stairs and out the front door ignoring those people, I started making my way to the only place that I can feel like me and I can feel safe, the bridge. Walking along the sidewalk of the bridge my thoughts began to race as I looked down at my worn out converse as I trailed them along the concrete as fog began to form, blocking out the thoughts I reached my favorite spot. It's so peaceful here, no cars and no people. As was half way on the bridge I looked up and spotted someone on the ledge of the railing, as I got closer I noticed it was a boy, he looked like he was young and he looked worse than I did.  

 I began to make my way towards him, wondering if I should walk past or talk to him. Reaching him I carefully climbed up on to the bridge and sat down on the edge. 

“It looks beautiful, doesn't it? The way the water smacks against the rocks so hard. It’s amazing.” As he spoke I looked up at him and watched him get lost in the thought of the river.   

Its perfect...” After saying this to him, he turned an smiled down at me and I just smiled back at him with a weak smile. He sat down beside me and started swaying his legs side to side gently. I looked around at my surroundings; this place is like a ghost town. All that could be seen was the fog on the ground and you could barely make road out and the sidewalk wasn't visible either. All you could hear was the sounds of the river smashing against the rocks and the trees swishing and smacking against each other. I looked up to each street lamp, only a few of them were lit up and the moon shone so bright, it looked so close that you could touch it. I turned my attention back to this guy that was sat beside me and I tried to spark up a conversation with him.   

You’re thinking about jumping, aren't you?” He turned to look at me then back at the horizon and began smiling like a Cheshire cat,    

“Like you said, Its perfect.” Remembering what I told him, turning to him I started to say,   

Every night I walk past this bridge and every time I do, I climb up and sit here for hours thinking about doing it. That’s how I know it’s perfect.” He shifted in his position and he turned his body so that he was now facing me,   

“Why didn't you do it?”   

If I did do it, I would be doing people a huge favor...” As I was saying this the sound of my ringtone blasted through my jacket pocket, reaching in to my pocket I took my phone out and the caller I.D read “Mom”. Hitting the ignore button and turning it off I slid it back into my pocket and took a deep breath as he began to speak,   

“You okay?” I chuckled lightly at his question,   

It should be me asking you that.”   

“You’re right, no I’m not okay. What about you?”   

What do you think? I’m sitting on a bridge, talking to a random stranger that I’m contemplating with on whether we should kill ourselves or not!” I tried my best not to sound too harsh to him. We’re two completely random strangers planning on jumping off a bridge in the middle of nowhere. I don’t want to be nosy but my curiosity it getting the better of me, so I have to ask him.   

Why were you going to do it?” Fidgeting with his hands as he began to say,  

“My family, I know people say that there are worse off people out there but my family take the medal for this one. They make every day of my life a living hell; they don’t care about anyone but themselves. My mom works as a lawyer and my dad’s a doctor, so they’re never around. They wouldn't notice if I was gone.” As I watched him speaking I saw tears falling down his cheeks, I pulled my jacket sleeve down a bit and reached over to him and wiped his cheeks, and he looked up at me and smiled a weak smile. 

  “What about you?” As he asked me this I began playing with the cuffs of my jacket and said,   

Same as you, I mean my mom and dad are never around and they don’t care about me. They only care about themselves and no-one else. And then there's my most favorite place in the world, school, where they love to talk crap about your life all day and they love to talk about how amazing their life's are and the teachers are just a ray of sunshine.” As I thought about this I began to feel my cheeks wet and I began to taste the salty water, doing as I did to him he reached over to me and wiped the tears off my cheeks. I looked up and smiled to him and he just returned it.  

After sitting in an awkward silence he turned around towards the sidewalk and jumped off the bridge and extended his arm out to me and gestured for me to take his hand. I turned around and took his hand as he helped me down of the bridge. I felt a little awkward because I was still holding his hand, I began to loosen my grip on him as he turned to me and whispered,  

“Don’t let go.” Doing as he asked I tightened my grip on him and didn't let go as we walked along the side of the river. After walking for a while we finally reached my house and he let go of my hand and he embraced me in a hug, as I hugged him back he spoke softly in my ear.   

“Thank-You.”   

For what?” I whispered back,   

“For saving me tonight...” He let go of me as I let go of him and he took out his phone and asked me for mine. Giving him my phone he turned it on and began typing something in and doing the same with his. He locked both our phones and put his into his back pocket as he gave me back mine. He held his hand out and I held mine out as he shook it,   

“Hi, I’m Liam.” He smiled to me as he spoke.   

I’m Sammy.” For the first time in a long time I smiled a genuine smile. Letting go of his hand I watched him walk away from my house, then I walked through the front door of the house and went straight to my bedroom ignoring my family on the way, once I was inside my bedroom I locked the door. Stripping from my clothes I changed into my pajamas and then crawling into bed letting sleep take over me.    

 

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