broken

Hi, I'm Valerie. I'm only 16 but it seems like i lived a thousand years. Since my best friend found out my secret, she treats me differently, my parents think I'm some kind of a devil, people at school laugh at me for no apparent reason, don't worry I'm used to that. Wanna know my secret? well here it goes..

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9. In bed.

I'm lying in bed, thinking, wondering, about nothing, about everything. Why am I so messed up? Why did it have to be me? Suddenly, I start crying, about nothing; it just comes out of nowhere.

Then I realize, I've lost my friends, it's harder for me to get on with people. I want my "parents" to notice that i'm not ok, although i don't want them to fuss. I want help but i also want to be left alone. What if people think i am attention seeking by constantly looking upset, so i try to smile and keep happy but i break down when i get home, when nobody is watching. What if i'm paranoid? i could do with someone to remind me that i'm beautiful and tell me that everything is going to be ok- but nobody is there. I feel so alone. I have recently been feeling an overwhelming sense of nostalgia. I hate growing up. I want to be young again. I desperately want to go back in time. I'd change something if i could. I wish I never met that one person. I want someone to come back who never will. I always get home, get under the covers and cry. Sometimes i wish i was dead, i feel guilty for wishing i was dead, as there are so many people who are dying who don't want to die, and just wish they could stay alive. Some day i need to listen to music, other day i really don't want to. I love walks in the rain. I watch romantic films and then get back to boring reality. I want to change so much about myself, maybe even myself completely  I find myself laughing and smiling less. I hate the word "depressed". 

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