Lights

Hannah and Niall are newly engaged and getting married soon. It's so difficult when you know someone is the one and you always have to leave them. Between Hannah's modeling and Niall being in the band they're always traveling and to Hannah it seems like they're growing distant. Can the reignite that flame with their sparks? Or will they have to find some other outcome?

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9. Blur

My life is all a big blur right now. I'm not sure what I've been doing...I'm not sure how I'm feeling. All I know is I'm depressed again, it's a big hole. Black and dark with no end. Niall is my candle guiding the way through the darkness but not pulling me out. even though it's been like a month I still can't get over it. I don't know what to do with myself. I've been feeling sick and all I've wanted to eat is jellybeans. I'm beginning to think I'm pregnant...I just don't know if I'm ready for a baby. In this depression I can't bring myself to take a test. So why am I standing here in a department store...holding 5 boxes...boxes that can change my life. I'm on tour with Niall because he is afraid to leave me alone. I wouldn't blame him...sometimes I don't know if there is a way out of all of this. I thought it would be easier with Niall to help this time around, but it isn't. I still feel lost. I'm walking back now...to the tour bus...my new home...away from home, plastic bag in hand...holding my future. The boys are out and about, they invite me to go out but I never do. It's just too much. I know people look up to me they want to be me, but if they knew me and they knew what I have to go through they wouldn't want to be me anymore. I stand in the bathroom now...alone preparing myself for what I'm about to do. The boys suspect nothing...they're boys how would they know I'm pregnant. I sit down and cry as I take the tests, this is my future...it will change everything. I finish the tests and lay them out along the floor of the shower, sinking down against the wall looking at the door I get to thinking. What if Niall isn't ready for this, will he leave me? Then I will be alone. What will I do then? I'm lost in my own body. Fighting a war that I can never win, I'm drowning in myself unable to swim up and out because I haven't learned yet. I pull out my phone and check the time 10 minutes has already past. The boys will be back at any point...I can't let them in. But if I don't let them in then they'll get the wrong idea. The clicking of the clock that's in the bathroom is the only sound occupying me and my thoughts. Tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock tick-tock until click and the minute passes. Minute by minute I wait...wait for my future. Standing up and leaning on the counter top I look at the reflection that I no longer recognize...this isn't the me I want to be. I'm beautiful...but I'm not. I toy with the tips of my newly dip dyed aqua hair. My hair is parted down the middle the brown waves fading into blue remind me of the beach the ocean. Waves crashing up on the shore, so relaxing and peaceful. Why can't I go there? I look back up to the clock and realize another 12 minutes have passed 13 more and I find out. Where are the boys they're never late? I look down to my belly, it is kinda big...er. I do want jellybeans right now. Man I want food in general. Niall that ass better bring me food...they literally have nothing on this bus. I slump back down onto the floor...the cold floor...much like my body cold and longing for warmth again. 5 minutes to go. Looking around I wonder if I were to be pregnant then what? We start a family on the road...go to a doctor get it checked out to make sure it's alright. I'll be a mom...but will I be a good one? 3 minutes...time seems to be going by faster now...but do I want it to? I don't want to know but I do. I look over to the shower floor and see the tests all five of them lined up perfectly...the first one is positive...it came early. I look at them one by one taking in the results...all one by one come in...all being positive. So it's settled. I'm a mom. Niall is a dad. There isn't much more to it. I hear shuffling around and then boys calling my name.

I take in a breath and allow them to find me...sitting on the floor tears rolling down my face. I'm crying almost hysterically now "Hannah?" Niall calls out more worried now, "I'm in the bathroom." I manage to yell through my tears. Milliseconds later the door swings open and Niall looks at me I see Harry behind him scanning the bathroom for probably blood and or a razor...which they confiscated at the beginning of the tour, for my own good. "What's wrong babe?" Niall asks wrapping me up in his arms, "Erm Niall mate..." Harry says and gestures to the tests on the shower floor, "Niall...Whoa." Liam says now appearing in the bathroom. I'm struggling to get full breaths now and Niall refuses to look at the shower. He is focused on me. "Breathe Princess." He instructs mimicking calming breaths. I catch my breath but tears still fall. "What's wrong?" he asks me rubbing my arms. "NIALL LOOK AT THE GOD DAMN SHOWER FLOOR!" I shout and glare at the tests. Speechless. Nothing. He just sits there staring at them. I look up to Harry who is staring at me worry written all over his face, his eyes still wandering my body looking for fresh cuts or wounds. "We're pregnant." I say softly and hug myself..."I'm pregnant." I say more to confirm to myself. "What's going on?" Zayn says appearing in the door frame "I can hear your sobs fro-" he stops dead in his tracks and looks at the shower where everyone's eyes are now. "Niall?" I whisper, his eyes still locked on the tests he looks from one to the other over and over again. I stand up and step over him and around the boys. "I need a walk." I say not turning to look at them. I walk out of the bus into the cold brisk New York air. 

 

Niall's P.O.V

Walking into the bus after shopping with Harry and Liam, I felt a weird urgency. Something was wrong. "Where is she?" I ask looking at the boys they shrug and urge me up the rest of the steps. "Hannah?" Harry calls and shrugs at me, I hear a sob and I look at them worried...fear now running through my body. "Hannah?" I call out again walking around the bus "I'm in the bathroom." she yells which sends more fear but also ease through me. She was okay but how okay. I walk to the bathroom door and open it. Her small little body all curled up into one ball on the ground. I go and wrap her up completely in my body my legs wrapped around her back and my arms around her head. "What's wrong babe?" I ask worried about her well being. She could've done something bad.  Found the pills we locked up or taken a knife and hurt herself...I'm scared for her life right now. Harry and Liam are talking but I'm not hearing them...I'm worried about my wife. "NIALL LOOK AT THE GOD DAMN SHOWER FLOOR!" she shouts. I turn my body and my arms drop. The tests...laying on the floor. She is pregnant. I hear her saying something but I can't actually hear her. All I hear is a little baby crying. I'm going to be a dad. She gets up and leaves but I can't manage to move. I hear the bus door slam, and I'm out of my thoughts. "You're pregnant." I say looking from one test to the other. "She is gone Niall." Harry says softly "Well where did she go?" I yell standing up. "For a walk Zayn went after her don't worry." I nodded and looked back at the tests. "She is pregnant Harry." I say tears brimming my eyes..."Yea you're going to be a dad Niall."  Liam says taking my shoulders into his hands. "What do I do Liam?" I ask..."Be supportive...it's your child." I nodded my head and then went down to the bottom of the stairs and sat waiting for her to come back.

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