Loved.

(This movella is set as if One Direction isn't famous.)
Ashalee York was always one to try and hide away, she only showed who she really was to her one friend Jay. Ashalee is shy, and a good girl (who sometimes likes to bend the rules) and she is insecure about herself. Ashalee is your average girl in every way on the outside. But on the inside she deals with the constant struggle, the rage on inside of her mind, she's bipolar. It may be fate, chance, destiny, or whatever you call it but she finds herself mixed up with Harry Styles who wants to show her that she doesn't have to close people out. But he doesn't know about the mental war the wages deep within her mind and maybe if he did know he would leave her and label her as a freak like the rest of society.

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1. Back and Forth

Ashalee's POV

Have you ever been on a swing set and you go back and forth, back and forth reaching high points, then reaching lower points. Then there is that moment when you stop and everything around you seems to pause, then you get off the swing set and walk away knowing you have the freedom to leave. The freedom to stop and to move on. Well I can't, I have to stay on the swing set watching my high and low points merging all together and finally one day when it does stop I don't know what will happen.

I've dreamed about what it was like to be normal. I remember in preschool I would always be put in time out. One minute I'd be fine then the next I'd yell at a girl for using the crayon that I wanted to use. I know this one time I even hit this boy, and I got in time out. That was the first time my parents had ever really considered that there might a problem with me.

Now many tests and mental evaluations later it is decided I'm bipolar.

According to Google bipolar means: "A mental disorder marked by alternating periods of elation and depression."

But for me it isn't just depression and getting excited, it's anger, and then joy, then just normal.

I hate this feeling and when I think about it to much I have this feeling of hating myself. So of course I think about it all the time, and it makes me hate myself and hate what's inside me even more.

Whenever I look in the mirror I see myself. My hair, so dark brown that it gets mistaken for black unless you see me in direct light. My eyes are blue, my mother calls them orbs from the ocean. She says she doesn't know where I got them from, my eyes are a piercing blue, more defined than others in my family. I always thought it was because all the anger inside me, all the sadness and short bursts of happiness make my eyes their more rich color. I firmly believe that your soul and eyes are somehow linked. Like my eyes lead right past my irises and look right to my brain. When I was younger I would pretend I could see my brain and all my messed up thoughts through my head if I looked in the mirror long and hard enough.

My skin never tanned evenly so I quit trying to, I always thought that maybe if I looked the part of the pretty girl that everyone wants to date people would ignore that I'm bipolar, but I guess my crazy won out. Bullying at my old school had gotten so bad I transferred in the middle of the school year. I was so happy at first, I was going to see my best friend, Jay, the only one who never shied away from me because of what I was. I'm making myself sound like a were wolf or something, but no it's just me the bipolar girl.

Jay and I had gotten torn apart from each other when we transitioned from middle school to high school. We saw each other on occasion but the high school work load is always tense. But because I was going to be with Jay everything would be better. 

Before I left for school this morning I added a pebble to my happiness jar. You see I have this old pickle jar and I have these cool rocks my mom got me from a flea market when I was in the sixth grade. Every day I feel happy I put one in and whenever I wasn't happy I'd take one out. Everyday I looked at it, empty but today I could add one. There had never been a time when it was full, not even half way. That one pebble had been the most so far this year, and I couldn't wait to see Jay because this was a sign everything was going to be okay.

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