0800- don't dial


1. 0800- don't dial

When this ship sinks I will take good care to remind myself the pen was in my own hand; and the weighty barrels you left me were needed in the beginning, even if I cannot remember this. Why is it that the memories we wish to cast away are the ones that stick with us; they give us chills and drag us down like anchors, clinging to our very soul, and the ones we wished would stay are carried away on the gentle breaths of the wind? I do not know. Perhaps no one does. Maybe it is one of those things that no one quite understands but doesn't dare question, like the way the sadness creeps in at night, clouding your brain. You try to brush it off but you can't quite do it, and it consumes you, until it is all you imagine and all you can think about. Your next door neighbour is broken too, the postman, the person sitting next to you on the bus, you can see it so clearly, and all you want to do is reach out a hand, tell them it's okay, and help them, but you don't, you can't, you look away, and stare vacantly out of the window, surrounding yourself in your protective bubble, safe from other people and their problems. The truth is we're not broken but bent and we can click back into shape if we only find the resolve or the spark of hope. The truth is nobody knows but everybody knows and we just get on with it. Sometimes reaching out and helping somebody else is just what you need to realise the depth of your own problems, and how significant they really are to your days spent here. I think about you sometimes, when I sprinkle petals in the bathtub I remember the lines that formed around your lips when you laughed, or when I'm on my fourth coffee of the day, I look at the clock and see it's only 9 a.m. and I wonder how you are, what you're doing, whether you're out of bed yet or if you're sleeping off a hangover. I wonder if you ever managed to fight off the shadows or if you finally succumbed to their relentless pursuit. I ponder about phoning you but always change my mind - old ships set sail. I wonder if the anchors kept you afloat - or if you found a reason to keep swimming.

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