Somewhere Only We Know

If your lost and alone and your sinking like a stone carry on may your past be the sound live with your feet upon the ground and carry..

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1. New Beginnings

 

 

 

 

We gingerly make our way into the house that was once, the place where I sat and drank soda with my father out on the front porch under the hot sun. And the place where me and my mother sat and talked about boys in the living room. I can’t stand to walk past that threshold into the dark place where my family sat days ago eating our dinner in the dining room, and now they were both gone. I looked over at the massive group gathering around in the family room, people that I didn't know who came to consult me. Rubbing my back and giving me condolences about…well life. I nod and am directed to the kitchen where people are hectically pulling dishes of various foods out of the fridge and setting them on the table for them later to be put into the dining room. My cousin Flo and her family stop me on my way outside pulling me to the side. Her husband Gary takes my hand in his and stares at me deeply. 

“We’re very sorry for your loss.” I nod.

“It was your lose too.” I say quietly just barley enough for them to hear me. I cross my arms across my chest slipping my hand from his. How could these people that I haven’t seen in four years now care about what I was going through? They certainly didn’t care before, they were zombies in their own shell of death, automatically saying this and that when they meant nothing that they said. 

“Just know that we are here for you.” Flo says with her sly smile that she wears all the time. I definitely didn’t want to hear what she had to say. When we desperately needed her two months ago all she could say was “Sorry but, not this year”.

“Thanks for your concern but I’m fine.” I said nodding and quickly disappeared out the door and into the back yard. I look over at the gazebo with my mothers name jaggedly carved into one of the pillars and under her my name my name with my father’s name above my mothers. I smile at the memory of 5 year old me being carefully raised up into my fathers arms and onto his shoulders and me and my mother and father holding the knife in both of their hands and gently carving. I step closer holding my breath and slowly trace over the outline. 

“Rayn?” I hear a raspy voice says echoing behind me. I know that voice all to well. A smile breaks out across my face as I turn and latch myself onto his neck. 

“Nathan.” I let out in a sigh. He wraps his arms around me and I pull him tighter pushing my face into his shoulder. Nathan, how much did I love this boy? He had been my middle school crush for quite a while and we had currently made in official three years back and had been going steady since. I guess you could say he was probably destined to be the love of my life…well if the accident didn’t happen. He kisses me stroking the back of my neck.

“Why are you out here?”He says finally pulling away and taking a breath. He looks down at me with gorgeous blue eyes that make me melt. 

“I can’t be in there with those people that I barley know, look at them rummage through my house.”

“Come with me.” He says holding his hand out to me. I take it and and we cut farther through my back yard, crossing over onto his, and we walk further. Finally we arrive into a field of sunflowers, he goes off leaving my hand behind. My mothers favorite flower. “I was planning on showing this to all of you on your mothers birthday,” He says turning to me smiling a bit but seconds later it fades into the shadows of his dimples and he turns back toward the field.”But…” He sits down at the edge of the big dip that drops down into the field and I step closer not sitting. I put my hand on his shoulder and he takes it in his hand. “So your leaving?”

“Yeah…I have to go live with my aunt Lou in England.”

“England? Why so far away?”

“She’s the only relative that I have that hasn’t disowned my mother and father. I know  nothing about her though so it’s gonna be…strange.” He pats the spot next to him and I slowly sit.

“You haven’t cried once. Are you okay?”  I was okay, I would be okay. I nod slowly trying to pull off a convincing smile but fail. “It’s okay if you cry, you know. They say it’s the greatest step of mourning. If I cry though, that’d be different.” He looked at me, I could see the tears forming at the edge of the crinkle of his eye. I put me finger to it wiping it gently. “Would you judge me?” I shake my head. He pulls me close and I can hear him break down into huge spastic sobs. He and my parents had made a special deep bond that I guess only one who experiences it can feel. He was the son my dad never had and the caring male figure my mom always hoped for. His mother had died a few years ago of breast cancer so my mother was the piece of the puzzle that filled that void that he had ached to fill since he was 8. He was the only one that could relate to what I was feeling right now, which means I would run to edge of Earth for him. After several long minute of crying he finally pulled back and gave my a passionate kiss. 

“I love you and no matter where you go, I never want this feeling to end. The passion that we experience when we’re together. I love you.” I kissed him back pulling up on his neck for leverage. 

“I love you too.” He looked back at the horizon far behind the sunflower field and stood helping me to his side. I pulled around his waist and we walked back to the herd of cattle flocking in my house. We stood at the edge of his property glancing over at the tall dark blue sunken house. Everything about it just made me want to turn away and run until my legs couldn’t cooperate with my nerves anymore and keep running, but I would have to return there for at least two more hours and then it’d be off to England for me. He held my hand tight and we slowly made our way into the house. We sat around meeting more people who spoke more Bullshit and then my aunt stepped in holding the hand of a tall handsome man and a adorable little girl. She spied me from across the room and pushed through toward me. 

“Hey, Rayna. How you holding up?” I gave her a blank expression.

“Perfectly.” She looked at her husband for a second and he grabbed the little girl lifting her up into his arms, reminding me of my father and it brings a small smile to my face. She looks at Nathan for a second, very uncomfortably and he gets up and goes to talk to someone. She sits beside me positioning herself in my direction. 

“Listen,I know you are going through something, but I’m gonna take care of you and-“ 

“Thanks for the effort, I appreciate it,but this-this is not something. My parents are dead. I don’t mean to come off as a bitch on our first day fully meeting each other but, I’m not just gonna come to your home and become, normal.” I get up and go to find Nathan. He’s standing far back leaning against the wall and when he spots me his face lights up.

“How was it?” 

“Meeting her?” He nods and I join him. “Well, it was better the first time.” He bumps my shoulder a bit.”  

“Be nice.”

“I hate people.”

“They’ll all be gone and you’ll wonder why you didn’t cherish them.”

“Like my parents?” He nods.” I meant these people, Nate.”

“I know.” For a wake this was the most lively thing I had seen since homecoming. It angered me how much fun these people were having with my parents dead, they disgusted me. A few days ago this family room would have been filled with a piano and a library shelf full of my dad’s novels and encyclopedias. Now the only thing that remained was the piano and the single rose that set silently in the vase on top. I took Nate’s hand and pulled him across the floor to it and made him sit by me, sliding the barrier, that enclosed the keys from the outside world , back and gently placed my fingers on the porcelain not letting a sound escape into the room. I pulled out a hand original written arrangement composed by my father called “Hello” and slowly let the music take it’s toll over me. My hands danced around on the piano, blocking the sound of chatter out and finally the room goes silent as I finish my melody, letting the last few notes ring in the air. Everyone applauds but it wasn’t the attention I was looking for just the piece of mind that no matter where I went they would be right there with me. Edging me on with my good decisions and denying the bad decisions, coaching me through the hard decisions, and watching me take the leap with the risky decisions. I just wanted to know that they were there and never leaving my side. 

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