Invincible And Infinite.

Something that I wrote last night in the middle of the night. It perfectly describes how I feel.


1. Only Chapter

So, It's 1:30 a.m. and I am awake. Nothing unusual for me though. I'm always awake at this time. And even awake at later times. I can never seem to fall asleep anymore. I'm anxious. "Nervous" anxious and "Scared" anxious. Mom says it's because "I can never seem to shut my mind off" and  "I went through the same thing." I'm going to stop using quotation marks because it's ruining my flow, and I'm sure it's ruining yours too. I don't know why I'm talking to you as if you were a real person because after all you are just my own mind reading back my own words. Anyway, my mom says that it is normal but I don't really think she understands. I'm hearing faint screams and faint sirens in the back of my mind. It's scary. The only way I fall asleep is by crying myself to sleep every night. Crying because of fear. These voices and screams and sirens scare me. Another odd thing is the crying. I'm one that when I cry, it's a very rare thing. I've always been the type to hold everything in and when I do finally explode, I just cry about it all night long and then the next day I could be fine and not cry for months. But lately I've been crying more than normal. Is there a normal amount of crying? And if there is; Does it differ for each person? Another thing is is if we are all the same before our God in Heaven then why must we tear each other down? Why do we criticize one for his or her choices? Why do we have to call someone "fat" because they are a bit bigger. Why do we have to call someone "ugly" because they have a different nos than us? Why do we have to call someone "a sinner" because they are gay? Why do we have to pick on others to make ourselves feel better? These are just some of the things that runs in my mind. And I guess that one day these questions will be answered. 

        Along with the topic of my mind, it feels like I'm being attacked by it. It being my mind. It's like I have a million thoughts in one second and each second a million more are being added. Some of these thoughts are ideas, some are stories, some are the scary voices. y mind hurts. It's just that the strange thing is; your world is far too mainstream, so I've created my own. But there are different dimensions to this world. Some are the scary ones that attack me and some are the depressing ones. Some dimensions are crazy-kooky imagination but my favorite one is the 'Wonderland' one. The one where it's me and paradise. It's like all of the really old Disney Movies combined. It has the friendliness of 'Snow White' and the magic of 'Cinderella' and the curiosity of 'Little Mermaid' and the dreams of 'Sleeping Beauty' and the childish possibilities of 'Peter Pan.' But most importantly, It has the friendliness, magic, curiosity, childish possibilities, dreams and crazy imagination of 'Alice and Wonderland.' It's where nothing can hurt me. Not my eating disorders. Not my anxiety. Nothing. I am invincible here. I am infinite here. I live forever young here. But most importantly, I live here. 
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