Love and the things that it is.

Harvey Wust is a twelve year old boy with Autism.
With a surprisingly advanced view of the world, and no small amount of cynicism, he sets out to understand love, and discovers something that he never really expected.

For the John Green competition. It's primarily about suddenly realising that you are in love, but there's some dealing with pain in there too.


2. Love and why I do not think it is good.

There are so many reasons that I do not like love and think that it is a bad idea that when I try and think of them all it gets dizzy and funny and I do NOT like to think about it so I have to break it down into the points that I wrote about in the last chapter. That way I do not get confused and can think about things in small little chunks.

The first chunk is this one:

Love is irrational.

This is true and I know that it is true because of many things that people say are true about being in love. People say things like "You can't control who you fall in love with." The idea of not being able to control things generally frightens me and makes me feel like everything is spiralling away from me and I feel panicky. Also, people who are in love act strangely.

By that I mean that they do things differently to how they would have before they were in love. They go to different places and spend all of their time on things like cafes and sex which is boring and icky. They say silly things to other people too, like when other people ask them interesting questions about Doctor Who or the possibility of alien life they will say things like "Harvey, not everything is about Doctor Who." and "I have Ryan now, and I love him, and I want to talk to him and not to you." and "No, really Harvey, PISS OFF, I don't CARE about Doctor Who. I care about Ryan and that is much more important."

These are all things that my sister Pippa said when she "fell in love" with Ryan, and that is how I know that people say them.
I did not like Ryan. I did not like how Pippa acted around Ryan. I definitely did not like Pippa and Ryan sexing.

Also people who are in love will do stupid things to make people love them, like stealing a blue French horn. This happened in episode one of the American sitcom How I Met Your Mother, which I do not like and Pippa does like. That is how I know that people will sometimes steal blue French horns because of love.


The second thing I do not like about love is that it hurts.

The main reason that I know that love hurts is because of Pippa. When Pippa broke up with Ryan she was very upset. She cried a lot and did shouting at people and she stayed in her bedroom and played sad music loudly over and over and told me that the "songs speak to me!" when I told her they were too loud and should be turned off. 

I also know that love hurts because there are a lot of episodes about it in Doctor Who. Amy Pond and Rory Williams were in love. Lots of times they cried about each other and when Rory died in the episode Cold Blood, Amy cried and screamed and fought and fought the Doctor when he tried to move her away from him. And when they were written out in the episode The Angels Take Manhattan, Amy jumped off a building because Rory had to. A similar thing happened in Sherlock in the episode The Reichenbach fall when Sherlock Holmes had to jump off a building to save Doctor John Watson and Greg Lestrade and Mrs Hudson. 

Also in the media everybody goes on about how love is always sad and makes you act sad and crazy. For example I know of at least one hundred and four songs with both the words love and hurts in them. They have words like: 
Love hurts, love scars 
Love wounds and harms any heart 
Not tough or strong enough 
To take a lot of pain 
Take a lot of pain

Hurting is almost always bad. Sometimes people say things about good hurts but I think that they are wrong.
I know that people say that there is good hurt because in Doctor Who in the episode Victory of the Daleks, Amy has a line in which she is talking to Professor Edwin Bracewell. She says to him "Hey. Paisley boy! ... Ever fancied someone you know you shouldn't? ... Hurts, doesn't it? But... sort of a good hurt."

I do not understand this at all. It is just very illogical to me. Hurt is a negative feeling and so it can't be good. If you are feeling hurt and it feels nice then you are either a sadomasochist if you are feeling physical pain or if you are feeling emotion pain (which is the sort of pain involved in love usually I think), and that feels good to you then you are probably actually confused about how you feel and are actually feeling happy or excited.


The third reason that I do not like love is because it is with other people.

I definitely do not like other people. 

I enjoy being on my own and I always have done. Other people are rude and loud and confusing and they touch you and take your things and they do not respect you or treat you like a person. They call you a robot and they try to make you sad or angry and confused and they are stupid and ignorant and they take advantage of everybody always. They are selfish and cruel and bad and wrong. And the ones that are not like that still can not do things right even though they try.

This is not a problem that everybody will find with love and it is a problem that makes people think that I am bad. I do not think that not really liking other people makes me bad because I treat everybody with kindness and respect any way so it is not like they will know.


The fourth reason is that love has falling in it. This is bad because I do not like falling. Falling is random and frightening and also if you are falling then there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Falling also has implications of surprise. I do not like surprises, not even good ones if the good ones are big. This means that falling is two of the things I am most afraid of in the world but at the same time- it is surprises and it is the unknown.

If you add this to the people bit of falling in love that makes it three things that I am afraid of and do not like. 


The fifth thing that I do not like about love is that it has to have sex.

This is a little more complicated because it is where people start saying things like "But you love your Mum, and you don't sex with your Mum!"

So to make things clear I am going to explain that the word "Love" is not one word but it is two words. We should have two different words but instead we only have one and that can cause confusion. There are other words like that like Post which can mean post to send a letter or post to the internet or post as in happened after something else. 

Love is like the word post but less people realise it. We use the world love to mean two things- we use it to say that we like something or somebody a very great deal and it would upset us if they or it were gone. It is like affection and fondness.

We also use it to say that we are "in love" with somebody. I have heard being in love to be described as "Fireworks" and "Like smoking crack cocaine" and "Like walking on clouds!" and all kinds of things. It is like a feeling that nobody can seem to manage to describe and it is so complicated and crazy and everything. It sounds funny to me and I just don't like it. This is the kind of love that I don't like and not the kind that just means you like something a lot, because I can feel like that just fine. 

A lot of people out there will tell you that the feeling of love that I am talking about does not have to have any sex and that if it has to have sex then it is not proper love, but they are wrong I think. The feeling of love that most people probably imagine is to do with sex. After you sex with somebody different chemicals and hormones are released into your body to make you feel happy and safe with the person so that you will want to stay with them and have a baby. Doctor Sheldon Cooper explains this in an episode of Big Bang Theory called The White Asparagus Triangulation. 

This might mean that I will never do being in love because I do not ever want to sex with people. Sex makes people ill or have babies and it makes them act crazy and do humiliating things and it also just seems horrid. It is nasty and weird and I do not like the idea of it. It makes me feel sick and unhappy and anxious. 

So I do not like love because love always has to have sex.


The last reason that I do not like love is because love is not ever easy. 

I know this because all of the tv shows that I have seen and songs that I have listened to and people that I know seem to agree that love is not ever easy. 

There is always fighting and arguing and being sad. There is always people being hurt and even people stay together for their whole lives, in the end one of them dies first and then the other one is either sad for a very long time or they are so sad that they die too. This happens in Romeo and Juliet and also in Wuthering Heights. 

No matter how good love is love will always end and there will always be hurt because when something is as good as love is supposed to be, you will always get hurt at the end of it. 

This means that somebody in love will always end up being a bad person because anybody who hurts anybody else is a bad person. If you are in love and then you are not in love and you leave somebody that makes you a bad person. And then the person who was left behind becomes a bad person because people don't just be not in love and leave each other for no reason and the person who was left behind probably had something to do with the other person leaving. That means that they are responsible for the person that left them becoming a bad person. This means that they are themselves a bad person. 

This means that usually people who are in love with each other will both end up being bad people. Unless somebody dies while still in love like my Father did before I knew him. But even then Father is still a bad person because he hurt Mama. But he did not do that on purpose and it is not his fault so he would probably not be a bad person for very long. And he is dead and gone now any way so he is not any kind of a person any more.


I think that now you will understand why I do not like love. I do not like love because it is all of the things I am afraid and hurt and sex too.

And I do not like love because no matter how good it is, eventually it will make you bad.


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