See Through

Olivia Adams isn't alive, but she isn't dead either. Somewhere between heaven and hell lies perpetual purgatory, and she's inevitably stuck in it. There's unfinished business to be tended to, but the question of what it is remains unanswered. She walks the streets of New York City with tears in her eyes, but nobody notices the girl that barely exists. Until a beautiful day. Niall Horan has found her, and he sees and feels and hears her. She's falling in love with him, even though she's frightened since her last lover took her very own life. Through Niall, Olivia is able to reconnect with her sister, Jessi, and exist as if she never left. But, what happens when a dark mass tries to ruin any chance Olivia has of living again? Will the mass get to her, allowing her spirit to move on? Will she be able to fight it off long enough to become human again? Or, will she forever remain see through?

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16. Gone Forever

 

Olivia

On the outside, there's the hard shell that seems invincible and strong, but on the inside there's sugarcoated weakness that rules out every sense of direction I have. Truth is, I have no idea where to go from here. I want to be with Niall....no, I NEED to be with him, but on the other hand, he doesn't need to be with me. Regardless of if he wants to be or not. He needs someone real. Someone who's there and alive.

Not me. He doesn't need me at all.

I leave him a note stating that I'm moving on...finding some sort of thing to keep me away from the mass that's luring me in each and every day. When he wakes up, Olivia Adams will only be a part of his memories. She won't be there. She won't be real to him anymore. It's the only thing I have left to do.

When Jessi wakes, she'll mourn the second loss of her only sister. This time, however, will be for good. I hate to do this to the both of them, but even more I hate what the mass is doing to Jessi. She doesn't deserve all the torture because of me. I'm the reason for all this, so if I leave, the bad stuff will stop. I hope.

I'm willing to take a chance...wouldn't you be?

It's hard to walk through walls and things now, so as I close the door of the hotel behind me, I'm sure to make as little noise as possible. I slip out into the cool, April air in the wee hours of the morning, saying my final goodbyes to what I knew before. Jessi. Niall. The guys. Love....

It's all just a memory now.

Like my entire life was. Gone. The past. Just a blurry memory.

“Excuse me,” says an old, torn up man in old clothes. He smells like he hasn't showered in weeks, and his rugged face tells me he's probably homeless. “I hate to ask, but do you have any spare change?”

Intrigued that he can see me, and satisfied, I dig into my pocket for a couple of quarters and drop them into his cup. “There ya go,” I say with a smile.

“You know, I may not look like much, but I haven't always been this way,” he says.

“Funny,” I reply, “Me either.”

“I'm not sure what you mean.”

I laugh a bit and explain. “Well, I meant that I haven't always been...I guess you could say...noticeable.”

“I see. Well, if it helps, people don't notice me much either. Hell, I used to have a family, a job, a nice house, and a lot going for me. Then all of a sudden, you lose your job, your wife takes the house and the kids, and you find yourself out here in these parts begging for people's spare change.”

I'm sincerely touched by this man, though I don't even know who he is. For a moment, I stare into his eyes and see all that pain that I thought only I felt. The pain of feeling non-existent and invisible. “I'm so sorry,” I whisper to him.

“Hey, life has its ups and downs. But the good thing is that you always pull through. Always.”

Life. I wish I had that. I long for the cliché growing up, getting married, having a few kids and making your time on earth worth it. But that chance was ripped from me. I stand and study what the man is saying, lingering on his every word. He has a point. We do hit these rough patches, but you just have to keep on keepin' on until you've been through hell and back. You'll make it. I'll make it.

I say goodbye to him and continue my journey through Dallas. There's so many places I could go, but I choose home, in the city where I was born, raised, and died. The place that I always go back to. Home.

Transporting is getting harder, but I manage to show up right in the middle of Time's Square, fighting off the tears I really want to shed. I hate leaving, but honestly it's what's best. Who am I to determine, that, I know...but that's what I feel is right.

Maybe being here will give me some peace of mind. Lord knows I desperately need that.

 

 

 

Niall

Tears in my eyes, hole in my heart. Each word is like a bullet piercing me and every feeling I ever had for her is being stomped on by some unknown force of sadness. She's really gone, that girl that I've grown to like so much. I stand in the lounge in my boxers, reading the note over and over again as if something might change.

It doesn't of course. I wipe my eyes and force myself to calm down and think about this for a minute. However, my thoughts are interrupted.

“Hey,” Liam says, coming through the front door with a Hardee's bag in his hand. “Good morning. Got breakfast for you guys.” He closes the door behind him and stares at my expression for a second, instantly knowing something's wrong. “What is it, mate?”

I shake my head, lost for words. The only thing I can think about is how badly I just want to go to her, find her, and bring her back to me. If this is what it's like to lose someone, then I've seriously underestimated loss. Instead of saying anything, I just hold up the note with shaky hands.

As he reads, he glances up at me as if to make sure I'm too upset. Honestly, on the inside I'm crushed, but I don't know how to feel. I'm empty, and alone. Olivia-less, and that much is heartbreaking enough.

“She left?” He asks, folding it back up. “When?

“I – I have no idea. I just found it right before you came in.”

“I didn't see it when I left. Niall, I'm so...so sorry.”

“Stop,” I say, holding up a hand. “Don't give me sympathy. Jessi doesn't even know yet.”

“You need to tell her.”

“Later.”

“JESSI!!” Liam yells down the hall.

“NO!” I shout at him. “She can't know just yet! She'll be so upset!”

I'm too late. Jessi pokes her head from Louis' room and Liam waves her over, handing her the note with confidence. “What is this?” she asks.

“Just read it,” he says.

Jessi reads the letter aloud.

 

 

Niall,

I don't know how to explain this, but I've decided to walk away from this whole thing. I know you've grown close to me, and to me it seems unfair to you. No matter how I try, I can't give you the things in life you deserve, like a family and a real relationship. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you – and believe me it's hurting me too – but I can't wait around to see what happens. I don't exactly know where to turn because...Niall, I love you, and that scares the hell out of me because you don't deserve the girl that doesn't exist.

I'll be seeing you,

Olivia

 

 

Jessi looks up at me, her eyes glistening with fresh tears. “WHAT DID YOU DO!?!” she shouts at me. She lunges forward and beats my chest with her fist, despite Liam's attempts to hold her back. With every hit, she screams a word. “WHY – DID – YOU – MAKE – HER – LEAVE!!” Liam is finally successful, and is able to pull her away from me. She falls to the ground in uncontrollable sobs, tears staining her night shirt.

At this point, everyone has come from their rooms, curious of the yells. Louis comes to her aide and tries to console her, but I think we all know it's no use. She just lost her sister. Again.

Then, it hits me....I know what Olivia did. She went to the mass, which means...

“She's gone forever,” Jessi moans through her crying. “It got her, didn't it?”

“I don't know love,” Louis whispers. “We don't know.”

“Olivia's gone?” Harry asks, walking over to me. I nod to him and see that he looks rather sad. As for me, I'm just a hollow human being with no Olivia. I think about the note again, how she confessed that she loved me. But why? Why did she tell me that as she left? It makes no sense to me, and it probably made none to her as well.

“You okay?” asks Liam, patting my back.

“Yeah,” I murmur. “Just in shock I guess.” It then hits me that I'll never get to see that beautiful face again. That girl with the gorgeous, long brown hair and the blue eyes won't be next to me when I wake up in the morning. Those incredible little things she said, all the cute faces she made at me in the middle of the night. Those won't ever happen. Not anymore.

I let a tear slide, then another, and find myself crying probably just as hard as Jessi. Before anyone can see, I just expire to my bedroom, where I lay on the bed and remember her. This huge, gaping hole that formed in the pit of my being is ripping at me. I won't be able to survive without her. It's just impossible.

 

 

 

 

Jessi

Days fly by, but they feel like years. Nobody says anything anymore. The guys perform, and on stage they seem normal, but as soon as they go backstage it all changes like they faked it the whole time. Zayn spends a lot of time out with Perrie, probably to avoid the silence. Liam is constantly with Niall, helping him deal with this. Harry keeps to himself a lot lately, and Louis stays back and lets me grieve, while Lena tries to help. But it doesn't help at all. I don't talk to any of them.

Sweet, bitter silence.

I don't know why I blamed Niall when I read that note, but I did apologize afterward. Actually, I think that's the last thing I said to anyone. Speaking isn't an option for me right now, and it's like I've traveled back in time to a year ago, when Olivia had just died and I was literally a walking zombie.

Now is no different. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just sit and think about what could have been if she'd have fought off the mass longer. She could be here, human by now possibly. Life just isn't fair. It never has been for me.

“Damn it!” I shout, startling Louis and Lena who sat in my bedroom with me.

“What?” asks Lou, coming over to me. I realize that I've started crying. “What is it, baby?”

“Olivia's gone!” I half-shout. “Why did I do this!” The door opens and Niall appears. “Why did I get involved with all of you, hoping that Niall held some kind of secret power to bring her back!? Why did I get so hopeful and then she just...she just...”

Louis' arms wrap around me and I just cry. That's all I can do. Cry.

“I'll come back later,” Niall whispers, and exits. Lena follows, leaving only Louis there to comfort me.

“It's okay,” he whispers in my ear. “Let it out, darling.”

“How am I gonna go on without her?”

“I don't know baby.” He strokes my head, which is somewhat better than the awkward quietness we've had for the past few days. “But I think you need this. You shouldn't bottle up your feelings.”

“I don't mean to. I swear I don't. I just want her here with me. Is that too much to ask?”

It's not going to be easy, but I know that – no matter how much I don't want to – I have to learn to move on and experience life without her. I tried that before when she died, but of course I never really got over it. But this time, I'm going to try. I can't just wallow in all this. Olivia made her decision, and not me or Niall could have made it for her. “Hey...” I say to him.

“Yeah?”

“When we go to New York, I want to do a showcase. In her memory.”

Memories. That's all any of us have now.

 

 

A/N: Ughhh! I don't know about you guys, but this chapter was very emotional for me. It took me literally two hours to write it because I kept pausing to take in what was happening, haha! Well, what do you think will happen from here? They think Olivia's gone...but of course she isn't. Where will she end up though...that's the real question. ;)

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