Rebellion

"We are still really good friend, we didn't let the fact we had a bad spilt destroy our friendship."

Amanda Fawner just finished her first world tour, with the famous One Direction. She left the fragile broken girl and came back the strong independent woman she is today. Amanda has changed for what she thinks is for the better, but others think for the worse. She feels free, alive, and confident, but there are people who would do anything to watch her crumble to her knees again. People who are not afraid to end not only her career, but her just to see her fall. Now she has to not only keep up the act of still being friends with the one boy she can't forget, but she also has to fight against a force who would do anything to win. Amanda just got back from a world wide journey, but her journey has only just began.

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6. Emotional Breakdowns

Rebellion 

Chapter 3: 

~Amanda's POV~ 

"Are you sure you want to do that?" Miranda asked as I was getting my hair done for the show that started in only about twenty minutes. I knew that as soon as I gave the go, there would be no turning back on this decision.

"I need to get it off my chest, so yes. You can go ahead and tell Steven what I plan on doing." I said while standing up to go slip into the outfit that was placed out for me. 

"You're strong Amanda I know that you will do fine." Miranda says patting my shoulder before walking off to go let the sound technician know about my plan. After being fully dressed and ready to perform I look at myself in the mirror. I wore a simple white tank top with a leather jacket over it and pair of red ripped skinny jeans. I had planned on wearing a dress but that wouldn't work for what I had in mind for tonight's show. Carter understood why I have to do this that it isn't to please anyone, but for me to finally let all the pain I felt finally go. The argument during lunch today just made me realize that I haven't really let all my anger go. 

"Mandy! You're on!" The stage manager shouted as me while I grab my mic off the table before taking a deep breath and walking towards the stage. Was I really going to let everyone's image of me crumble down from the strong girl who survived heart break into the girl who can't even let go even after 13 months? 

"I am." I whisper to myself before turning on the mic as I am given the go to walk on stage. The second the cameras and fans capture my image the screams louden intensely. This was it do or die moment for me, because if I didn't do it I honestly I think I will explode with all the emotions running through my veins. "Hello New York City!" I say into the mic as my voice booms around the entire arena. Madison Square Garden, the one place every single artist dreams of and the place that will forever know as the place I broke. "Can you believe it you guys Madison Square Garden!" I said as a large amount of screams some hell increased even more. "Now I know you guys are here to hear some of my songs, but I am going back to my roots." I said and the fans that were able to catch on let out a loud scream of approval. "I think it's time for some cover of songs that mean a lot to me." I said before I motioned for Tristan to come and stand next to me. I signal for mine and his to he turned off while I speak to him. 

"What's up?" He asks resting his guitar across his body in a casual fashion.

"I was wondering you guys don't mind doing some covers?" I asked and he raised his eyebrows at me. 

"You're actually asking for our opinion today, unlike the other days where you just do whatever?" He asks stunned that I was actually asking he wanted to some covers of songs. 

"Look I know I have been a bit of bitch for the last couple of days and I am terribly sorry." I apologize before looking around hoping to find something to distract me. When I look around I see almost everyone had their eyes on me, which was strange it was rare to have everyone looking at my next move. Normally there is one maybe two people who actually are paying attention, everyone else is bustling and moving around preparing for the next song or for when the boys come out, but today it was as time had paused. 

"Forget about it we just are worried about you Amanda, but you deserve to be happy especially after everything that happened." Tristan explained before pulling me into hug which sent the fans into a wild frenzy. I actually completely forgot where we were at until I heard their screams. I nod at him before he speaks up again. "What songs do you plan on doing?" 

"I think a couple of songs from the The Script and then one from Ed Sheeran?" I ask and he knows instantly which ones I am talking about.

"I really hope this lets you finally move on, Amanda." He says before nodding and pulling a guitar pick out of his pocket and turns to Trent and Taylor to get in position. While they do that Cassidy and Rhia move to their positions as well. Tristan sends them a small signal and they already know exactly what is going on and soon the introduction to the first song begins. I signal for my microphone to be turned on again and soon then I wanted I hear my cue to begin singing.

 

{My hands are cold, my body's numb

I’m still in shock, what have you done?

My head is pounding, my visions blurred

Your mouth is moving, I don't hear a word

And I hurt so bad, that I search my skin

For the entry point, where love went in

And ricocheted and bounced around

And left a hole, when you walked out} 

 

As I hit the finally verse I strip off my leather jacket as I walk around the stage pouring all my emotions it my voice. This was one of the songs that just screamed what I was feeling deep inside for Louis. Because just like the song said I can't find where all this love I felt left my body and I need to. If I finally want to let him go and finally focus on Carter; I needed to let Louis far in the past where he would only be a distant memory. 

"You know the Script has the best breakup songs?" I said panting a bit into the mic as the fans seem to cheer even more. "A lot of you think Taylor Swift rules the break up song throne, but I personally think that throne belongs to The Script." I said and everyone around me just watches me like a hawk stalking its prey. "The next four songs are the ones to me had the biggest meaning. They hold my old broken love story written in the chords and words of the songs." I said letting my face frown a bit while Tristan send me small smiles throughout my small speech. "In the world of love there are up and down, there are good and bad times, but I guess the entire reason for love is to learn to be strong. After being broken and torn it's not too easy to faze me, but still after being broken once you will never be the same again." I said before the melody to the next song starts. 

 

{If we take this bird in, with its broken leg

we could nurse it, she said

come in side for a little lie down with me

and if we fall asleep it would be the worst thing.

But when I wake up, and your makeup is on my shoulder

and tell me if I lie down, would you stay now?

Let me hold ya, ohh

But if I kiss you will your mouth read this truth

darling how I miss you, strawberry's taste how lips do

and it’s not complete yet, mustn't get our feet wet

cause that leads to regret, diving into soon.

And I’ll owe it all to you, oh, my little bird} 

 

After I hit the final note of the songs, it seems like the screams only get louder. I honestly had no clue how the scream could get any louder than this. "Just like the lovely Mr. Sheeran says we mustn't get our feet wet cause that leads to regret." I said and quoting the lyrics made me see the reality of my situation. Was it possible that what happened was that me and Louis just moved to fast? So fast that maybe we didn't see how bad that relationship truly was for both of us.

"Now I know that I should be standing here playing and singing all my own song, but those songs did not get where I am today. What got me here was other artists' and doing covers them. That is why today the large majority of my set list today is covers." I explained while the music to the next song played in the background. The entire band to this point had been so supportive of my plan and it made me see how bad I have been treating them. Kendall's words stood out in my mind the most each time I saw one of them. I had truly disappointed them with the sudden personality change that I had endured over the last 14 months. "You know there are six stages of separations and this next song explains them so perfectly." I said and the melody that had been playing in the background of my rant suddenly gets louder and clearer.

 

{You’re doing all these things out of desperation, 

Ohhh ohhh; 

you’re going through six degrees of separation.

First, you think the worst is a broken heart

What's gonna kill you is the second part

And the third, Is when your world splits down the middle

And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself

Fifth, you see them out with someone else

And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little } 

 

I walk towards the front of stage as the chorus hits and I can see the fans' faces. I hear the chants and screams as I belt out the notes of the song, finally letting out all the emotions I left bottled up for so long. After Six Degrees Of Separations ends I don't even bother taking a breath I signal for them to jump right into the next song and soon the smooth melody of the song fills my mind. I allow the music to invade my mind not bothering to try and control my actions.

 

{I see you standing there but you're already gone

I'm holding your hand but you're barely holding on

I'm kissing your lips but it just don't feel the same

Am I dead there now, left living with the blame

Oh I hear the angels talking talking talking

Now I'm a dead man walking walking walking

 

Already broken, already gone

Already know you're moving on

I'm a breathing, talking

Dead man, walking

Already see it, in your face

Already someone, in my place

I'm a breathing, talking

Dead man, walking

 

I just allow everything to happen and I don't know what happens because next thing I know I am on my knees with my mic forgotten on the floor belting out notes to Dead Man Walking. 

"You know fourteen months ago I never saw myself on the MSG stage. I much less saw me having basically an emotional breakdown here." I softly laughed into the mic while the last song plays softly. Every ones' eyes were on me I knew that, I also knew that everyone wants this. They wanted for me to get on stage and either prove to them that all these month of tour was spent laughing or pretending to be okay. I am pretty sure that everyone got the response to that question now. I was a wreck these last fourteen month not only straining my physical strength, but also my emotional. Having every day to be completely exhausted and then to top that off deal with the person who I can't seem to forget. I guess it was only a time that I broke down either crying or screaming. Slowly I listen as the music to the last song pick up and gets louder and louder. This was my final song for the first set of the concert and the second set was going to be done after the boys sung their first set. "I am dedicating this one song for the one person who I can't seem to forget. No matter how hard I try to it seems like I am forever imprinted with his memory. With the way his eyes crinkle in the corner whenever his smiles, or the way he knows exactly what is wrong even when I don't even know. This song is out to the one person who forever changed who I am." I said as I let the words flow from my mouth.

 

{ And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder

And I wish you could still give me a hard time

And I wish I could still wish it was over

But even if wishing is a waste of time 

Even if I never cross your mind

 

I'll leave the door on the latch 

If you ever come back, if you ever come back

They'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat 

If you ever come back

They'll be a smile on my face and the kettle on 

And it will be just like you were never gone

They'll be a light in the hall and the key under the mat 

If you ever come back if you ever come back now

Oh if you ever come back if you ever come back } 

 

As the final words leave my lips my knees seem to weaken not being able to hold up my weight anymore. I fall onto my knees with my hands probably a bit bruised from the impact of my fall. I just sit there as the entire stadium is completely silent probably just stunned from my breakdown. I feel the warmth of the lights dim as my body is overtaken with coldness and emptiness. 

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