Hate To Love You

Sequel to I'm In Love With You

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5. Fading Memories

I forgot the sound of her laugh today. It hit me so hard. I'm losing the only real thing I have of her. All I have left are my memories, and even those are leaving me, slowly but surely, just like her. I don't want to forget her. I don't want to lose the only thing keeping me here. Even in my dreams she's beginning to fade. Her voice goes in and out like the wind. Her smile never stays and it always looks forced. I'm losing her and myself. I don't know where I'd be without her and and I don't know what's going to happen when my memories of her finally fade forever. I am nothing, nothing without her.

I've been sleeping more. And eating less. Talking less. More drugs. I think the boys ahve started to worry about me. I don't want them to and they don't need to. I'm fine. More than fine. I'm great. At least I pretend to be, or try to pretend to be. But I actually am more than fine when I'm sleeping, especially after poppin' a few pills, because then she's more vivid. I can see her and talk to her better. Sometimes I sing to her. Sometimes she sings to me. Her voice is so beautiful and I just miss it. So much more that I think I should. I sometimes wish that I could forget her, I wish that I wasn't so attached to someone who is gone and is never going to come back. I wish that I could just move on with my life and meet someone new. But I can't forget her, and I will never move on. Because she forced herself into my life for good, no matter what. She seared herself onto my heart and it'll always be like that. I know that I'll never find anyone else because no one can compare to her. 

She's been gone for 3 months now. Three whole months without her to brighten my day. I don't know how much longer I can hold on. Everyday, every hour, every minute is a struggle. So I just lay here, in her bed and wallow in my self pity, popping pills and waiting to see her again. But I'm seeing her less and less now. Most of the time it's just black. Sometimes it's her death or funeral. And then sometimes it's her and it's just like it was when she was still alive and still with me. Before she got sick, before everything turned bad. Because that's how I like to remember her. When she could light up a room with her smile and the look she got in her eyes when she was up to no good, and when she'd play her guitar and sing with us and make up funny songs. That's my Sammi and that's the Sam I'll always remember. Hopefully.

 

Louis has been trying to talk to me about her more, but I've been ignoring him. He thinks he knows what I'm going through, but he doesn't, though I give him credit for trying. Niall has been trying to make me laugh, but I don't think I can anymore. Just everything has lost it's appeal to me. Liam and I go on runs sometimes. It's nice because we don't have to talk, just focus on the sound of our shoes pounding on the pavement. And Zayn, he's been avoiding me mostly. Doesn't go out of his way to talk to me unless it's absolutely necessary. He looks away when I meet his eyes. i want to know why he does that, but at the same time I don't care enough to ask. Is this how my life is going to be from now on? Pretending I'm okay while I sink further and further into this hole I've dug for myself?

 

~a few weeks later~

Liam found my stash while I was out "for a walk" and instead of talkign to me about it, he fucking told all of the boys and Simon about it. So I'm sitting here, getting fucking lectured by Liam and Zayn while Niall sits quitely and cries and Louis looks like he might punch me. Simon is flying in soon. 

They're wanting me to go to therapy. Make me get better. Fix me. Maybe I need to be fixed. They've started to move on, why can't I? Maybe I'm too broken to be fixed, thoguh, and that's why I can't let go of this girl.

So I'll go. I'll try it, for their sake. How bad can it be?

 

 

 

 

(A/N) wow okay so i haven't updated anything in a long time really and i am so sosososososo sorry about that. I'm just not that into one direction anymore so it's kinda hard to keep writing this story, though I promise that I will! I'm hopefully going to be udpating my supernatural movella soon, with some smut :P and maybe publish a new story soon? and i'm deleting I Only Want More and then hopefully updating Give Me Love. so please don't hate me!

thank you for reading, commenting, liking and favoriting!!!!!!!!!

(btw i'm going to order a papella of I'm In Love With You and i'm so excited omg)

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