Your little things

The freak. The fat girl. The girl who cuts her wrists. The girl with acne. The girl that no one wants to be friends with. The girl who loves a 'gay' boyband. The girl that nobody likes. The girl that can't afford fancy clothes. That's me. Alayna Harper, 18 years old. 10 years ago, my parents died in a car accident. I was devastated. Can you imagine? Your whole family dying, when you're 8. I now live with my aunt. Who is terrible. All she does is smoke, drink and watch TV. I have to work at McDonald's, just to keep us alive. I get bullied in school, I mean, why would anyone want to be friends with me? I'm the weird girl.


13. Razorblade

We were over at Louis's and Harry's place, I couldn't stand beeing in the same house were.... the accident had happened. Plus it was alot nicer at their place than mine. I tried not thinking about my aunt, it's not like I really liked her, but still, she was family. Maybe my life actually would be easier from now on. But I couldn't live in the house, I had to move out, soon. Me and Louis were sitting in two armchairs beside eachother infront of the crackling fire. On the couch beside me sat Harry and in his arms, Raven. He was gently kissing her scalp, rubbing her hips with his thumbs. They were so cute together. That's when it hit me, I didn't know anything about her, more than her name. She seemed like a nice girl. It was time to break the awkward silence that filled the air. "So Raven." She looked at me and smiled cutely, showing up her gorgeous dimples. Oh how I wished I had dimples like her. "Tell me a bit about yourself, what do you enjoy doing?" I felt so mainstream it was ridiculous. She looked thaughtful for a minute. "Actually, I love archery." I raised an eyebrow. "Archery?" I said surprised. "Yup." She smiled. "Nice." It was really cool, archery. Maybe I could try sometime. "Why don't you come to the lane sometime? We could do it together." It was like she read my mind. "Sure, that would be nice." She grinned. "So Alayna, tell me a bit about your family." She said and held took Harry's hand in hers. A big pain filled my chest, I felt like crying. "Well..." Louis grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. I smiled at him, it felt good to have somebody by my side. He was the only one that knew of my story. I had told him not to tell the others, I didn't want to become 'that girl' again. Me and Harry had come along well, and Raven had certain feeling of trust around her. I thaught they deserved to know. "Actually my parents died when I was 8." I said and looked down at the floor. The tears were burning in my eyes, but I manged to hold them back. I looked up again at the couch. Harry was looking down at the floor and Raven had her mouth formed as an o. I never talked about my parents, it was just a grief that always burned inside of me. I didn't like to talk about them. When I told Louis that they were dead I kept it simple and short. The pain was too much, I couldn't tell him all of it, even though I trusted him to the fullest. "I am so sorry." Raven said and looked at me. "It's okay, you didn't know." I said and smiled obliquely. "How did it happen?" She continued. I didn't want the tears to come. "I... I don't really want to talk about it." I said and knew I looked sad, I didn't want them asking more questions. Louis rubbed his thumb over my palm, trying to comfort me. "I understand." Raven said and leaned back into Harry's arms. She kept her eyes on me, but not in a mean way. Just in a way that told me 'I'm here for you and I'm really sorry for your lost' kinda way. But I was loosing control, I couldn't stand it anymore. "Excuse me." I said and walked out of the room, towards the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and locked. The tears flooded and I sat down on the toilet. I took my head in my hands and tried to control my breathing. Deep breaths, in and out. I continued saying to myself. In and out. The tears didn't stop. I had made a promise to myself when I met Louis, a promise that I was just about to break. I threw the door to the cabinet over the sink open and looked for the object I needed. I spotted it's sharp edge and quickly grabbed it. I sat down on the toilet again, pulled my sleeve up and held the razorblade against my wrist. I didn't even feel the pain, I saw the blood coming, streaming out of my wrist, leaving small red puddles on the white floor. But I didn't feel pain. I cut as I used to, not too deep but not very lightly either. I wanted the pain, I needed the pain. I cut longer up my sleeve. I didn't realise how loudly I was gasping until the door flung up. I looked at the person at the door with teary eyes, the pain was now there, but all I could do was to look at was Louis's face. He looked into my eyes and looked sad, since my tears I guess. Then, he looked down at my bloody wrist. He was surprised, you couldn't miss that. But there was something in his face that I could identify as pain, and sadness. I suddently realised that the razorblade was still in a firm grip in my palm, it was cutting into my palm. I coaxed my fingers open and the razor dropped on the floor. Reality suddently hit him and he grabbed a white towel from the wall. He squatted down infront of me and started drying my wrist of with the towel. The blood made it red as he dried more. After a minute or two, my wrist was as good as clean. He opened another cabinet and took out what looked like a bandage. He rolled the bandage around my arm and hand, covering the ugly cuts. During the whole time he hadn't said anything. The tears were streaming down my cheeks, I couldn't control them. He took a deep breath, grabbed my hands and put them against his mouth. He kissed my palms gently. He was there for me, Louis was there for me. He didn't drop my hands from his, but took them away from his mouth. I could see his left eye forming a tear that gently rolled down his cheek. "I'm sorry." I said with a broken voice. He looked down at the ground and shook his head, then looked up at me once again. "Alayna, don't you ever hurt yourself again. Please, I would hate myself if I'd let you do this again. Promise me Alayna, promise me you won't do it." He said, his voice almost breaking. I leaned down, put my forehead against his, still with tears in my eyes, and whispered. "I promise."

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