Firstly, I want to apologize for being away for so long! I'm so mad at myself! But Christmas was absolutely crazy, I really didn't have the time to sit down and devote to writing new material!
Secondly, happy belated birthday to Louis (lol fuck that he's not 22). And I hope everyone had a great Christmas/holiday season and a great New Years! I wish everyone the best in the new year! :)
I also apologize for spelling mistakes and other oddities, I typed this up on my cell phone, but I promise I will fix them!
love you all,
-- Caycia's POV --
I ran out Louis' door as the tears were streaming down my face. Why were things constantly turning out like this? I had intended to barge into his house, yelling and screaming and blaming him for all of our problems.
But there was one problem with that. Everything wasn't his fault. It takes two people to cheat on someone else, this was something that the two of us were responsible for. This was a guilt that we'd share forever. This was something we'd have to deal with together.
It was something that I needed to put an end to. When I banged on his door, I had fully intended to end things forever between us. To tell Louis that he was ruining my life, that I no longer wanted to be around him. However I knew the only reason I didn't want to be around him anymore was because I really didn't think I'd be able to control myself around him, which I just proved to myself minutes ago.
But when I walked into his apartment I noticed just how much of a mess he was. His clothing was dirty, his face was covered with more stubble than usual, his hair was a mess, and everything was a complete disaster. When I saw how sad he looked, I cracked.
And so I yelled at him, I yelled and screamed to distract myself from the knot that had formed in my stomach from seeing him in pain. When Louis told me that I was practically a one night stand for Zayn I flipped. My heart raced and my palms got sweaty. Zayn had cheated on his girlfriend... with me. It made me feel cheap. It made me feel unwanted, and frankly it made me feel like a bad person knowing that I was the reason for a once happy couple's ending.
The only reason you fucked Zayn is because you wanted to get me out of your system?
It was true. Back when I was living in Los Angeles, living with Marissa I couldn't get Louis out of my head. He was all I was thinking about and I remember when I went to the tattoo shop I just wanted to forget him. That night when I'd met Zayn for the first time was the first night in months that I wasn't thinking of Louis. And when I think about it now, that was really the main reason why I'd slept with Zayn. Every time I was with Zayn, I'd forget about Louis and I lived for that feeling. It was what I needed then.
Marissa. I missed Marissa. I missed her carefree attitude, she'd always push me to do things I felt uncomfortable with. I can remember this one time when I was hesitant to go to an interview for a small movie. Marissa sat with me for hours until she finally convinced me to give it a try. I went to that interview, and I got the part. It was good pay too. I missed Marissa and I missed acting. I've acted in a few small things since I arrived in London, but I haven't needed to get a job since Zayn refuses to let me.
When I first moved to London I sent various emails and letters out to my parents and to Marissa, I had wanted Marissa to know I was okay and I was doing well here. However I never heard from her. I wanted my parents to know I was no longer living in America, I wanted to know that Sean was still doing okay, however I never heard from them either.
When I pulled up in Harry's driveway I turned off the radio and the car, stepping out and walking towards the front door. I hoped and prayed that Harry wouldn't be home, I needed to talk to Penny in private about this whole Louis and I situation, I needed to know she didn't tell Harry and that she wasn't going to tell anyone.
The sound of their doorbell chimed as I pressed the small circular button and I shifted uncomfortably as I waited for someone to answer. I fiddled with my nails until I heard the lock on the door flick and it slowly crept open. "Cayc?" Penny's familiar face appeared in front of me.
"We need to - uh... we need to talk," I looked up at her as her face twisted with confusion.
"Uh, sure come in," she stuttered out as she took a step backwards, allowing me to walk in their large home. I took a step in, breathing in the familiar scent of their house. I didn't really know how to explain it, but it just had this very distinctive scent. I heard the door click shut and I turned to face her. "Would you like something to drink? Maybe a snack? I just made a fresh batch of cookies I could-"
"Oh no, don't worry about me Pen, I'm fine. Is Harry home?" I asked her.
Penny stared at me with a confused expression, "no, he just went out to check up on Louis. He was there earlier, but said he seemed off so Harry went back to check up on him. Speaking of which..." She trailed off knowing I knew exactly what she was talking about.
I bit my lip. I didn't get nervous around Penny, ever but here I was, getting nervous. "I - uh... I can explain, I swear." I raised my hands in defense, worried about her judgement.
"Mhm," she murmured, placing one hand on her hip and jutting it out, eyeing me up skeptically. We both breathed a heavy sigh and she extended her arm, inviting me further inside the house to their living room. We walked in silence and I made the first move, sitting on the couch practically cowering from her.
"I need to know if you told Harry," I spoke first.
"You need to tell me what the hell's going on," she was stern, clearly frustrated with me and my actions.
"Are you going to tell the other boys? Are you going to tell Zayn?" I asked.
"Tell me what's going on Cayc." She avoided all of my questions, however somehow I knew she would.
I sucked in a large breath and prepared myself for what was coming next. I knew she wouldn't give up until I told her what was going on. I knew her well enough to know that she was a persistent person, and she was waiting for me to confess. "Well, where do you want me to start?"
"I don't know. Start with the cheating, when it all began..." She lightly touched my hand and stared into my eyes, "Cayc, you know you can trust me with anything, stop bottling it all up." Penny gave me an encouraging nod to help me begin.
"Okay well I guess it started not long after I moved here," I mauled over the scattered thoughts rambling around in my brain, trying to remember the details of first seeing Louis again. It was hard trying to remember, my feelings were so overwhelming it clouded my thoughts during those moments. "Zayn was introducing me to his friends, and I had no idea that the Louis Zayn was talking about all that time was Louis, my Louis."
She listened intently, never showing a sign of judgement. "I realized that when I met Harry and he introduced me to his friends, I almost peed my pants!" She exclaimed.
"Yeah, well imagine how I felt then!" We both laughed lightly before I continued, "anyways, Louis and I confronted each other, he confessed he still loved me, I lied and said I didn't feel the same, and after a lot of lying to him about my feelings eventually we ended up in a closet together. We didn't have sex, but it was still cheating Penny. I -" I rubbed my temples, trying to straighten myself out, to find a reasonable explanation. "I was literally cheating on Zayn while he was in the other room sleeping. Then Zayn got in the accident and I told Louis that everything we'd ever done was a mistake and it was never going to happen again. But I just came from his place and it happened again..." I trailed off.
"Have you two had sex?" There was a moment of silence and Penny spoke again, "I mean, since seeing him again? Here? In London?"
"Not yet," I confessed, immediately regretting my words when she raised her eyebrow at me.
"Not yet?" She questioned.
"I- it's hard to explain... I know you wouldn't understand..." I ran my fingers furiously through my hair.
"Try me," she pressed.
"I just- every time I'm around him I can't control myself. We have this - this bond... this undeniable chemistry that every time we're in a room together alone we can't seem to control ourselves. Yes, I know it's selfish and awful and hurtful, but I don't know... I can't stop myself. I'm afraid that the only way I'll be able to stop myself is if I'm never around him again... if I never see him again..." I began picking at my nails, trying to stop the tears that were stinging my eyes from falling. I didn't want to lose Louis... I couldn't lose Louis...
"Do you still love Zayn?" Her voice was soft and sweet and I could tell she was on the brink of crying, just like me.
"Of course I do... I mean, I'll always love him... It's just not in the same way as I love Louis. I feel a different type of love for the two of them. I don't want to say one is more powerful than the other, but there's this part of me that feels that way sometimes... I'm terrified," I confess.
"It's okay to feel that way," she promises me, softly touching my arm.
"I don't feel like it's okay. I feel like shit, if I'm completely honest with you..."
She sighs before she begins, "okay look... I know I've never been in the situation you've gotten yourself into, but I do know this... you need to choose one of them Cayc. You can't keep stringing along one, if you love the other one more. Now, I don't want to know much more, I don't want to know if you love Zayn more, if you love Louis more, or if you really and truly love them the same, because I will love you no less, no matter who you choose. I won't think any less of you either. I just think you owe it to them to choose."
"I know," I mumble out.
"Does Zayn know that you and Louis did things? Does Zayn know Louis was your first love and you have a tattoo for him?" She asks, but I think she already knows the answer. I shake my head no, and she clicks her tongue, "I didn't think so, but he deserves to know..."
"I know," I repeat as if I'm being scolded.
"Just imagine how he'd feel if he found out his girlfriend cheated on him with his best mate..." I know she wasn't intentionally trying to make me feel bad, but she was succeeding in making me feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.
"Di - did you tell Harry... y'know... about Louis?" I prepared myself for her answer, unsure of what she'd say.
She sighed, "no," I breathed a sigh of relief before she began, "but Caycia, Harry's really smart and he will figure it out sooner or later..."
"I will fix it before then. I will fix this," I swore to her.
"He already knows enough to be suspicious..." she trailed off.
"What?" My face paled.
"Yeah, I uh -" she picked at the lilac polish on her neatly trimmed nails. "During the night of the accident, you were going with Zayn in the ambulance, and um -" she inhaled, "Harry said he heard you call out for Louis. You said I need you to him and asked him to come with you..."
My heart began racing again, my palms got sweaty, "wh - does he know anything else?"
"I - I don't think so," she said to me and I relaxed for a mili-second before she continued, "but Caycia, Harry knows a lot about Louis' past and I know, I just know, that he will figure this all out sooner or later, and there's no guarantee that he won't tell Zayn, or the other boys."
"Are you telling the other boys?"
"No, I can't do that to you. But I need you to fix this, before everything goes wrong and something crazy happens, something we can't control..."
"I will, I promise you Penny."
"Y'know, after what Louis did to you, I really didn't think you two would ever be within 500 yards of one another." She laughed lightly, and I tried my best to laugh along with her, but I couldn't help but feel stiff and fake because I knew deep within me that no matter how hard I'd try, I'd never be able to control myself around Louis...