-- Zayn’s POV --
My hands gripped the steering wheel, and my foot pushed even harder on the gas pedal. I could feel it hit the floor of my car, but I didn’t grin with thrill or excitement. Not a shred of exhilaration raced through me. Instead my face stayed straight, and I focused on my surroundings in front of the car.
“You’re going a little fast there mate, aren’t you?” Niall chuckled nervously.
“We’re okay.” I assured him, although I wasn’t convincing because I didn’t believe it myself.
I glanced down at the speedometer. 75... 76… 78… 82… The miles climbed faster and faster. The speed limit here was 70, but I paid no mind, alternately I looked at the buildings, the trees, the people, the other cars that were whipping past us.
Niall chuckled nervously again, “well, we’re going…” he leaned over the centre console between us to look at the speedometer, “oh shit we’re doing 95 now.”
I never looked at him, I continued focusing on the road. I had been in a spiral down ever since that night. There was nothing I could do about it, I couldn’t act strong much longer. I could feel myself beginning to crack. I felt the depression slowly taking over my body, and it seemed as though the only thing I could do to remove it, was to get my adrenaline flowing. However, doing 103 on the highway without any traffic didn’t seem to do anything to the blood throughout my veins. It just made me want to speed even faster.
I could see Harry in my rear view mirror, he was keeping steady with me. I was surprised that the other people in the car hadn’t come to the realization that we were speeding at over 100 miles an hour. I could see the worried expression on Harry’s face, however it faded when Penny looked at him, and he looked back at her. The atmosphere in their car was calm.
My eyes scanned over what I could see in the car, although it was difficult with the lights reflecting on the front windshield, and the darkness of the night, and the distance between our two cars. However, there was something I could see from my position, and that was Louis. I glanced down at my speedometer and the road in front of me. 97. I had slowed down slightly.
When I looked up at my rear view mirror once again, the beauty of Caycia’s smile overwhelmed my senses. I felt my grip on the steering wheel loosen; my foot on the gas pedal lighten. I watched as the hand on my speedometer dropped. 86. I could feel Niall relax beside me as he watched our surroundings slow down.
Then I looked beside Caycia, and my blood began to boil once again, however I couldn’t seem to remember why. Louis was staring at Caycia. Staring at her with that look; that look that I have whenever I look at her.
Instantaneously I felt my grip tighten once again, my teeth grit and my foot push down even harder. The rage pulsed through my body as if someone was injecting acid into my veins.
“What are you doing? Have you gone mad?” Niall was practically yelling at me.
I watched as Harry slowly began drifting off behind us, but not enough that I couldn’t still see their car. I imagined he didn’t want to scare the passengers of his car, but at this moment I didn’t care. I was feeling reckless, and impulsive and angry. I wanted to die.
We began our approach to a red light and I felt Niall instantly begin to panic in the leather seat beside me, “Woah, what the fuck! Brakes! Stop!” he was shouting at me. He was gripping onto the handle on the ceiling of the car, his legs pushed out as if to stop himself and his one arm was covering his face, which was twisted to the side, scared of what was coming next.
“I’m not stopping,” I murmured, and I wasn’t lying. I wasn’t thinking clearly, but there was nothing I could do at this point. Halfway through the intersection everything went black as the shattering of glass, and the crunching of metal filled my ears.
I heard Caycia scream my name as I blacked out.
I woke up gasping. I looked around the hospital room, blackness all around. My chest was rising and falling rapidly and I tried and failed to calm myself down. I rubbed my temples and slowly un-fisted my hands from the bed sheets. This was the first time I’d had a nightmare since the accident.
A nightmare that explained a lot. But also a nightmare that left me with a lot of questions. Why did I want to kill myself? Why was I so angry with Louis? Why in the world did I ever put Niall in danger? I wasn’t expecting to get hit, no not at all. But in a sick and twisted way, I was because I had wanted to die that night.
My stomach was twisting in knots again, and I prayed that I wouldn’t have yet another panic attack over this. I just had a panic attack yesterday when Caycia was here. Caycia had started questioning me about why I had run that red light.
I couldn’t tell her why. I didn’t want to tell her that I was suicidal, and I didn’t know the reason for why I was suicidal so I couldn’t really tell her the true reason anyways. The worst part was that slowly my brain was beginning to piece this all together and I think that the whole reason that all of this has happened has been her. It’s been Caycia and something that happened.
It was difficult because I felt that it was Caycia but I’d never want to tell her that. I loved her, I cared for her, I didn’t want to hurt her like that. I didn’t want to put that guilt on her. I knew that if I told Caycia, she’d blame herself for it all. For my depression, for Niall being hurt, for me getting hurt, and of course for her brother being in a coma, she’d blame herself for it all. I accept total and full responsibility for this. If I wasn’t so fucked up in the head, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
I ran my fingers through my hair, sighing in frustration. Maybe I could get out of the hospital soon. If I behaved well, if I had no more black outs maybe, just maybe they’d let me out of this damned place.
I sure as hell didn’t want to be cooped up in this room with my crazy ass ex girlfriend whom I cheated on anymore.
I grabbed my cell phone from my small beside table. I’d received a new text message a few hours ago.
Right, Mike was the guy who had been checking some file for me.
was wondering if u could send me another copy of that audio file. I think I may have accidentally deleted it. Thx. Hope ur doing well.
I minimized my messages, clicking on the audio files application on my phone.
And that’s when I realized that my phone had a virus and it was wiped.
What was on that audio recording that was so important?
Guess I’d never find out.