— Caycia’s POV —
It’s not like I had wanted for things to turn out this way. Really. I didn’t.
Here I was, several months after the Styles’ wedding, having not heard from anyone since. Yes, of course they’d tried contacting me - they all had. The only people I’ve bothered to keep in contact with since the wedding was my family.
Thank God that Sean came out of a coma a few weeks ago. I really don’t know if my relationship with my parents would have been repaired if it wasn’t for his tenacity and will to survive. It was like when he came back that everything else - like our fighting - seemed petty. All that really mattered was that we were all there, we were together, and we were all going to be okay.
It’s almost hard for me to remember back to the night of the wedding, it’s like I mentally blocked it all out because of the embarrassment and betrayal I felt. I can remember furiously running away from the building later into the night. I headed straight for Louis’ flat, gathered my most important belongings and checked myself into a hotel.
In the eyes of my friends, I’m sure it seemed as though I basically disappeared. I did send a letter to Penny, asking for her forgiveness - for creating a scene at her wedding, and for disappointing her, naturally. I know that she received the letter, she sent me an email about a week later, asking me where I was, what had happened, if I was ever coming back… truth was, I couldn’t answer one of those questions - whether or not I was coming back, and so the email went unanswered.
The day after the wedding I looked for a job. About two weeks later, I came up successful and found a job in marketing. I really didn’t think I’d enjoy it at first, as I really wanted to get back into acting, but I honestly had no choice. This company was desperate for an employee, and so was I, with nearly zero experience whatsoever. Turns out that this job really suits me, and I’m finding myself making new friends. There’s even this man, Jacob, he’s interested in me, but it’s much too early for me to date.
Eventually, about three weeks later I was able to get myself out of the dingy hotel, and into my own quaint little apartment. It feels good - honestly. I feel so much more independent… even though there’s this giant gaping whole in my chest - a whole that can only be filled by my friends… and my second family.
I do miss them. I do wish things were different, but it’s been weeks since I’ve heard from any of them. I imagine Zayn is still with that woman he brought with him to the wedding. I imagine Louis has met someone new. Penny and Harry have likely had their honeymoon, and are now waiting for the right moment to create their own family. I’ve read in the tabloids that Liam’s still with that beautiful woman I had so awkwardly ran into months ago when I stormed into Liam and Niall’s apartment desperately looking for a place to stay. And Niall, well, I hope he’s met a girl. But it all doesn’t really matter, because I’m not a part of that family anymore, and I don’t know that I ever will be again. I don’t really belong, and they’re all better off without me.
I’ve been walking around aimlessly for what seems like hours within this book store, reminiscing about what it was like before everything got so twisted - so fucked up. I look at my watch, it’s only been seven minutes.
I walk further into the store, and head straight for the romance section - characterized by the soccer ball sized beating heart display above the shelf. Ugh. My fingers skim over the spines, and eventually I hit the novels whose titles begin with a “C.” Finally my fingers hit a novel, vaguely titled Constant. My fingers roughly grab at the spine of the novel, and I grasp it in my hands. Constant. My eyes scan to the bottom of the novel within my hands. By Penrose Styles.
Penny’s finished book, finally in my hands.
I walk to the counter and pay the cashier, and head home on the tube, diving my nose into the book as the train whips through the tunnels.
I ride the tube for two hours - unknowingly. When I finally take my eyes off of the novel I find that I’m already over half done the book.
It was during the second chapter when I realized just what this book exactly was about, and I haven’t been able to stop reading it since.
Eventually, I get off the tube and walk to my apartment. Well, actually I basically run to my apartment because I wanted to finish reading. I rush up the stairwell as fast as my non-muscular legs will allow me. The smoking doesn’t really help my lungs either - by the time I get to the third floor my eyes are watering, and my chest is frantically thrusting up and down from the lack of air. I ignore it, and head straight for my door, unlocking it and walking into my apartment.
I place myself on the sofa and greedily grab the novel to continue.
A few more hours pass - I’m really not sure how many. Two? Three? But my fingers find the last page. I know what’s coming but I really am unsure of how to prepare myself. My heart begins pounding within my chest, my palms get overly sweaty - so sweaty that I can no longer hold the pages steady. That’s when I realize that my hands are shaking. The final page is flapping wildly within my fingers. I stare at them as if that’ll stop the shaking, but nothing happens. I slowly fold the soft, white sheet of paper over, revealing the final page.
It’s a dedication.
I know exactly what my eyes are about to read…
“I forget that he is another person; instead it feels like he is another part of me, just as essential as a heart or an eye or an arm.” From the novel “Allegiant” by Veronica Roth.
I have chosen this quote for you because it explains best what I cannot - that love is indescribable, that the chances of finding true love is like getting struck by lightening. The best way to describe the love that I have seen would be to say that it’s like you’re two halves of the same person. And when those two halves are no longer together, that one single piece is missing, and so the two lonely halves aren’t complete. Those two halves will never be complete until the day they come together.
I love you,
It’s then that I begin gasping for air as the tears are pouring down my cheeks. I suddenly can no longer see the novel I’m holding just a few feet in front of my eyes - instead all I see are tears.
How could I have been so stupid? So selfish?
As I read the second chapter I realized exactly what the entire novel was about… it was about Louis and I, our story. The story of our entire twisted relationship.
And it was like a slap in the face. Not a bad slap in the face, but a slap that reminded me about just how stupid I’ve been. How I’d been obsessing over fixing a relationship, which would never work, no matter how hard I tried because he was the wrong man. About how every time something negative happened in my life, there was one man I’d run to. How even after betrayal and deceit, and many years two people can still find each other. How they can forgive each other for their betrayals and move on, because they truly love one another.
It’s as if I’m watching a movie or something as my entire love life flashes before my eyes. I need to go to him.
I need to see him.
I quickly stand from the couch and in a few seconds I’m on the other side of the room, grabbing my keys and locking my door - heading straight for him.
— Louis’ POV —
It wasn’t like I wanted it to end like this. I really didn’t think everything would get so out of hand so quickly. As the seasons have rolled on and she continued to fade further and further away from me, I have begun to wonder how the rest of my life could be anything but a letdown without her by my side.
I wish I would’ve stopped her. I wish I would’ve said something. I know that not doing something to keep her from leaving will haunt me for the rest of my life. Every time I breathe without her here, it burns like acid.
I miss her. My heart literally aches when I hear her name. It’s almost as if I’m missing a piece of myself, of something, and I could swear it’s her… but physically I’m perfectly fine. So why do I feel this way? Like there’s this weight, on my chest.
Every time I walk past the spare bedroom I see her things - the things I cannot bring myself to touch. The things I wish she would’ve taken, so they weren’t constant reminders of her absence. I’ve tried emailing her, I’ve tried calling her, I’ve pestered Penny until I’m blue in the face, but it’s of no use. I absolutely one hundred percent cannot get a hold of her.
It’s to the point now where I don’t care about anything else that happens now. I just want to know that she’s safe. That she’s okay… That she’s happy.
It’s been months now. I know that Penny received a letter from her, - an extremely vague letter - but it was enough to know that she was okay. I know that’s why she sent it… to let us know that she’s okay, that she wasn’t kidnapped or murdered. I shudder at the thought.
I sit up on the couch in my flat, rubbing my palms over my face, exhausted. I don’t know how much longer I can do this before I lose my mind. I need to do something. I desperately look around my flat for a distraction. My eyes find a package on my countertop. I haven’t looked through my mail in days.
Maybe she sent me a letter.
My feet carry me towards the kitchen, and I frantically sort through the mail, discarding any bills or other currently unimportant envelopes into a pile that I’ll deal with later. Eventually my hands find an unfamiliar large brown envelope. I grope at it, struggling to find a way to open it, ultimately I savagely rip it open. A novel falls out of the envelope.
I pick it up. Constant. Interestingly vague title. By Penrose Styles. Penny’s novel.
Novel in hand, I head towards the living room. I sit on the couch and dive my nose into my distraction, which I ultimately learn doesn’t do much help…
Several hours later my fingers are fumbling for the final page, my heart in my throat. My eyes scan over the page until my brain finally registers exactly what I’m staring at - a dedication on the last page.
“Her laughter is a question I want to spend the rest of my life answering.” - Louis Tomlinson, age 18.
I'll never forget the day when you uttered these words to me, you shouldn't either.
For the past few months I've sat in my flat, drinking, smoking, and feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I've failed everything I've ever seen as important in my life - like I've failed her. I've lied to myself so many times, telling myself it doesn't hurt, that it'll go away, that it's all a part of life. That she doesn't want me, and I don't want her. I've lied so much that I started to believe myself.
I've been telling myself that she deserves to be with someone who makes her happy. Someone who doesn't complicate her life. Somebody that will never hurt her. I had convinced myself that there's a better guy out there - one that isn't me. But as I sit here, reciting this quote over and over in my brain, as if I'm a broken record, I realize that that's just it. I was lying to myself.
There is no better guy for her.
I am that guy.
I hastily stand from my couch and make my way towards the door, grabbing my keys. I need to see her.
Just as I open the door, she's standing there.
As impossibly beautiful as ever.
A/N: So basically I'm really sad because there's only one chapter left after this and it's all over. I'm sorry I haven't updated for a while, I was on holidays (I even updated my bio to let everyone know) but it was really nice to go away for a while! And I celebrated my birthday, so this chick is now no longer a teenager… not really sure if the fact that I'm 20 has hit me yet, but I guess it will someday. I hope that everyone had a good few weeks, and I plan to update again soon because I don't really want to leave Constant hanging on any longer.
And for anyone that's curious (there haven't been any questions but) the reason (it's a quote) behind the entire title of this story will be revealed in the final chapter (next chapter). So yeah.
Hang on there for the next and final update. x