I wake up alone in my hospital bed, like usual. "Fuck," I mutter to myself as I attempt to sit up in bed. My head is throbbing. I look around at my surroundings which haven't changed since my arrival in this room about a week ago. I was frustrated with seeing the same surroundings; I just wanted to go home. If only I could figure out what was causing these blackouts, maybe, just maybe I could go home.
I couldn't remember a lot of last night, most of it was fuzzy. My brain struggled to put together the pieces which had been shredded so small. Mostly I remembered Caycia coming into my room, and sharing some news with me. There was no way I could forget that she'd shared with me that her brother was the other driver, the driver who had hit me and put me in this position.
What an absolutely wicked coincidence. I shook my head back and forth. No, I wasn't mad at him, and there was a major reason for that. There was one fact that I remember about the accident that I hadn't told anyone. I distinctly remembered running that red light. I remember speeding, with Harry following at a distance behind me. I was showing off my new car to Niall, and so my foot was like lead on the gas pedal. I remembered seeing the red light, and speeding quickly through it. Although I hadn't expected to get completely smashed to pieces by another speeding car.
My head raced and spun as I thought about the accident. It was my fault, I was aware of that. I was the one who ran the red light, I was the one who was at fault for the accident and if Caycia's family wanted to, they could take me to court, especially if Sean didn't survive.
My brain reminded me that running the red light to show off my new car wasn't the only reason I ran it. However, I couldn't seem to remember that exact reason.
"Zayn, are you awake?" A man's voice interrupted my thoughts.
"Yeah," I mumbled, my hands instinctively rubbing my throbbing head.
"Is your head still sore? We could get you some Advil or Tylenol if you'd like some?"
"Please," was all I murmured out.
"I will have a nurse bring you some right away." He paused as he flipped some pages on his clipboard, "speaking of your recent panic attack, we still haven't determined the cause of these. Once again, we naturally begin to look at the accident, and think that maybe it has affected you. And bringing up PTSD again, we still need to have you talk with someone about the accident, and try to find some triggers for these panic attacks."
"Okay," I rubbed my head, sitting up even further in bed to drink some of the water which one of the nurses had left for me.
He flipped another page on his clipboard, skimming it over with the pen in his left hand, "I also have an important question to ask you, although you really don't have much of a choice."
I simply nodded up at him. My head ached too much to speak anymore.
"You will be receiving a roommate, later today. We are running out of rooms to put patients in, so unfortunately you will have to share."
"That's not a problem doc."
"Okay, well just a little background on her . . ." He flips another page. "It seems her name is Abigail, and she was in a similar accident to yours, car accident. Our psychologist here in the hospital thought it would be a good idea to partner you two up in a room together, since you went through the same sort of life changing event. He thought it would be good for Abigail and you to share your stories, and it might help you with the panic." I nodded again. "So be expecting her to arrive sometime this afternoon, most likely right before or after dinner, depending on how fast they can bring her here from the fifth floor." The doctor smiled at me.
"Okay, fine." I really didn't care. I didn't want to talk with anyone about the accident, and there was no way I was talking with some stranger. I still had so many unresolved feelings about the accident, especially since I now had to deal with the fact that I put Sean in a coma. I'd pray every single night until I knew he woke. And I wasn't just praying for my sake, I was praying for Caycia. It'd crush her if her brother passed, especially if I was the reason for it all. I knew that if he passed, it would be the end of us. I prayed that Sean would survive so my relationship with Caycia would survive.
I felt that familiar feeling of panic as I remembered that that wasn't the only secret I was keeping. I was keeping something much bigger, something so selfish that I feared it would eat me from the inside. I feared that Caycia would find out now, and I knew for a fact that if she found out, it would strain our relationship to the point of no return. The fact that I was keeping many other small secrets was ripping me to shreds, along with the biggest one, which I feared would spill out of me at any moment.
It was hard to survive like this. I knew that the longer I kept these secrets, the more panicked I'd eventually feel. I knew it wasn't the only reason for my panic. I knew that a lot of my panic was simply because there were so many holes within the last week that it was simply driving me insane. However, I knew that if I told these devious secrets that my relationship with Caycia would end forever. Caycia was my whole world, and I couldn't lose her.
Caycia is my whole world.
I thought to myself again. What is that?
Caycia is my whole world.
My stomach instantly turns into knots for the third time. It was then that I realized I'd obviously forgotten a whole hell of a lot more than I realized.
I was drowning, and the key to my survival at this exact moment was to keep my secrets for just a little longer.