It had been two days since New Year's. Two days since Caycia and I had kissed so passionately. Two days since I'd last seen her, but I was seeing her today. I was currently on my way to Caycia and Zayn's house to tell her how I have been feeling about that kiss, to admit that I haven't stopped thinking about it. I wanted to tell her exactly how I've felt since I've seen her, how I wanted her to choose me over Zayn.
The kiss was perfect. I knew that she was drunk, but I also couldn't shake the feeling that she'd meant that kiss, that it had meant something to her too. She had kissed me back, and that had meant something to me.
When I think back to the kiss, the passion that was flowing between the two of us was something that still surprises me. We were so desperate to touch each other again, our heart beats matching in a rapid fashion. It was like we were in high school again, reckless and impulsive, not caring about any consequences that were to come.
It was a moment of selfishness for the both of us, but never had anything felt so right, felt so perfect. The moment between us had made my heart felt whole again. I've started feeling like there really was a future between us.
The ringing of the OnStar on my car interrupted my thoughts. I looked at the radio to see who was calling me, "Shit," I muttered after reading the name.
I pressed the answer button, "Uh, hey Carlene."
I practically cringed at the familiar voice of my girlfriend, remembering where my car was headed and why it was headed in that direction. "Hey baby, where are you?" She asked.
"I'm just on the way to Zayn's house. We were gonna hang today." I stuttered out nervously. I hated lying, especially to my girlfriend.
"Oh . . . I didn't know . . . I thought we were going to spend the day together today," she slowly sputtered out.
"I can't, sorry."
"Yeah, okay, whatever Lou. I'm done with you being all distant with me." She spat out.
"I'm sorry. It's just- I already had plans with Zayn, Car," I felt bad for making up excuses. I had wanted our relationship to end for a while now, but I still hadn't mustered up the balls to break up with her. It just felt so wrong to end our relationship and then pursue Caycia.
"Talk to me when you begin to care Louis. But I promise you'll pay for this. Goodbye." She hung up on me, but I could care less. I was pulling into Zayn's driveway and I felt my palms begin to sweat. I hadn't even realized how much I was sweating, or how nervous I actually was.
I turned off the car, stepping out and slowly walked towards the door. I took a few deep breaths, trying to muster up as much courage as I could before I rang the doorbell and waited for her to open the door.
I knew Zayn wouldn't be home, he was going to some soccer game with old mates, so I had planned coming here when I knew that Caycia and I would be alone. I just needed to tell her how I felt, and now was the perfect time.
She opened the door, peering around it, "Oh, hi, Louis. Come on in," she took a step back allowing me to enter. "What are you - what are you doing here? Zayn's out with his old buddies today." She said, seeming confused.
"I didn't come to see Zayn," I said, looking around at all of the things she had placed in Zayn's flat. There were new pillows, movies, candles, blankets, and other small things I assumed were hers. "I came to see you," I said as I turned to face her.
She cleared her throat, closing the front door. "Uh . . . why? I mean-"
"It's okay," I said as I raised my hand to stop her from talking. "I mean you weren't expecting me," I said as I looked her body up and down. She was wearing short shorts which showed off her toned and tanned legs, and a tank top showing the curve of her waist and her breasts and I found myself fighting the urge to reach out and touch her.
"Yeah, I wasn't expecting you," she pointed to her face. She wasn't wearing any makeup and her hair was in a messy bun, but she still looked as beautiful as ever. "Would you like something to drink? Water? Or a beer maybe? I think we have Corona in the fridge." She was already walking towards the kitchen and I followed not far behind.
"Sure, a Corona sounds great." I said to her. She reached into the fridge, pulling out two Coronas and a lime which was already cut into slices. She pulled a bottle opener out of one of the drawers and opened both bottles, placing a lime in each and handing me one of them. I immediately took a swig, "thanks." I said to her, raising my bottle in her direction.
She placed the limes back in the fridge and the bottle opener back in the drawer. "So why'd you come here?" She said in a completely polite tone.
"I came to talk to you." I said and I watched as her body stiffened.
"About what?" She asked and then she took a swig of beer.
"Zayn's out with his mates at that soccer game right now, right?" I asked, looking around.
"Yeah, he left like twenty minutes ago, he won't be back for three or four hours, why?"
"Because we need to talk about that kiss," I said quickly.
She stood there awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable. "Yeah, we do need to talk about that."
"Listen I need to tell you some things okay?" I was fully prepared to tell her everything I'd been thinking for two days.
"Me too. I need to get this off my chest. I just need to tell you already," she shifted to lean on the counter. I was on the other side of the island, sitting on a bar stool.
"I - that kiss was just . . ." I took a deep breath remembering the passion of that kiss. Remembering how perfect it was. Remembering how badly I wanted to repeat that kiss.
"I know it was." She said and I nearly fell out of my seat. She must've felt the same way I did.
"I haven't stopped thinking about it," I said, relieved that I could finally tell her and open up to her.
"Me neither." She said and I longed to reach out and touch her.
"That kiss was-" I began.
"An accident," she interrupted and my heart sank. "I was drunk Louis and I was confused after seeing Penny. I just - I've been thinking about it non-stop and I realized that it was a complete mistake to have kissed you. I need you to know that I'm with Zayn, I love Zayn and that's not going to change. Things with Zayn are good, I'm happy and I'm not going to ruin that."
I sank down in my chair, realizing that we didn't have a future together. That what I feel for her, she no longer feels for me. Life felt meaningless in that moment. Everything began spinning, the world around me fading to blackness.
"I know we have a past, and I know that we'll be seeing each other a lot but mistakes like that one can't happen again. I've been riddled with guilt and it's very uncomfortable. I just - I don't want to dig up old feelings when things in my life are going so well. I realize that everyone has those moments of selfishness or recklessness, but it's not going to happen again with me. I need you to know that, understand that, and respect that." Her genuineness still stunned me. She was basically telling me that we'd never be together again but yet the wound didn't hurt as much as I ever thought it would.
"I agree," I lied to her, "you were drunk and it was all a mistake. I'm sorry that ever happened. I know that it shouldn't have and trust me, it won't happen again." Never had I lied like this in my life, although by no means was it easy. It was hard to keep a brave face when your heart was shattering into a trillion pieces.
"Thanks for understanding," she said and she leaned forward, touching my hand lightly. I felt that electricity run through my body. That electricity that could bring someone back to life, bring me back to life. I said nothing to her. "But that doesn't mean we don't have to avoid each other," she said to me, smiling at me.
"Well, we'll see each other a lot when we're all at rehearsals and stuff." I said simply.
She laughed and I cocked my head in confusion. "Louis . . ." she took a breath in before looking deep into my eyes. I felt my heart stop, "when we were dating you weren't just my boyfriend, you were my best friend. I miss when you'd make me laugh uncontrollably. I just really miss that positive attitude of yours that could cheer me up anytime. I really miss us being friends."
I smiled at her, realizing that she wanted to remain friends.
"I just miss us hanging out. Do you think we could go back to being friends like we were so many years ago?" She said to me and I felt my heart longing to be with hers. I still loved her and I know that I should've said no, it's not right to be best friends with the girl whom you're in love with who is also dating your best mate, but there was no way I could bring myself to do it.
"Of course love," I said to her, lightly touching her hand. "In fact, what are you doing today?" I asked her.
She took a long swig of her beer and I admired how sexy she looked drinking a cold beer. There was something about it that drove me wild. She bit her lower lip, making the crotch of my pants tighten. "Hm . . ." she hummed, "nothing that I can think of."
"Well, do you want to just hang out? Maybe do something?" I asked her, scared that she might say no. I didn't care that we weren't dating, I just wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to remind myself why I was so crazy head over heels in love with this girl.
"Yeah, sure! What'd you have in mind?" She asked.
I took another sip of beer, nearly finishing the bottle. "I don't know, is there something you want to do?"
"We could . . . hm . . ." She hummed again. "We could swim in the pool, go to the beach, watch a movie, go shopping, go for a walk or like a bike ride, go get ice cream!" Her voice became squeaky and excited and I smiled, missing that goofy side of her which I hadn't seen in so long.
"Well, what if we walk to the mall, go shopping, get ice cream and then go to the beach! And then if we have time we could come back here and watch a movie together! We could make a day of it!" I said to her, actually excited myself to get to spend time with her.
"Actually Louis, that sounds perfect. It's just what I need." She smiled and I grinned like a love struck idiot back at her, "I'll go get ready." She said to me and ran off towards the bedroom that her and Zayn shared.
"Here goes nothing." I muttered to myself before finishing off my beer.