I walked to the front door, opening it without knocking. The five of us boys were like family, we never knocked, we just came and went as we pleased. We never even warned each other when we were coming over because we were brothers and we never felt the need.
I walked in the front, not at all taken back by the breathtakingly large house because I was so used to the entrance, the decorations, and the house itself. It was like a second home to me, all of the boys' homes were.
I continued walking, finding boxes scattered amuck. I called out, wondering where my mate had been. That's when I heard the bathroom from the master bedroom flush so I headed in that direction. I walked down the hall and turned into the bedroom without a second thought.
"Hey mate I-" Then my heart stopped. There Caycia stood in front of me without a shirt, just standing in her barely-there panties, her completely naked upper body turned to face me. My heart started up again, beginning to race seeing the curve of her breasts, her belly button ring dangling on her toned, tanned skin, the familiar look of her protruding hip bones.
It seemed like forever just standing there, staring at her beautiful body, though it was mere seconds. But as I looked closer I saw a horrific sight. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the marks on her hips, on her stomach, but before I could look any closer or react to the sight she screamed, covering herself with the sheet she tore from the bed.
"Louis, what the hell are you doing here? Don't you know how to knock? Or ring a fucking bell?" She was screaming at me as I tried to focus, distracted by what I had just seen.
I scratched my head, still trying to focus, "Caycia I-"
"Get out! I'm naked!" She was gripping onto the sheet so hard that her knuckles were white.
"I noticed, love." I added cheekily, staring at her, imagining her naked body under the sheet, absolutely dying to touch her.
"Get out Louis!" She yelled, pointing her finger towards the direction of the door.
Instead I took a step forward, "Caycia, c'mon. It's not like I haven't seen you naked before."
"I'm not taking the sheet off Louis! Stop being cheeky, you little shit!" She had finally stopped yelling, but her voice was still stern.
"What was that?" I asked, pointing to her hips and her stomach, stepping even closer to her. It bothered me that we were so close together, alone in a big house, and she was standing naked in front of me. Who's to say that we don't make love right now?
"Wh-what was what?" She stuttered out, "what are you even doing here?" She changed the subject.
"I came here to see if Zayn wanted to carpool together, but I guess he's already gone. Why are you walking around naked with the doors unlocked?"
"Well not that it's any of your business, but I was going for a swim, and I was changing until you so rudely walked in." She was still clinging onto the sheet.
I stepped closer so we were inches apart, "Tare, what were those marks?" I asked softly.
"I don't know what you're talking about Louis. Get out so I can get dressed." She never moved.
"Tare, c'mon I'm not stupid. What are the marks?" I asked more sternly.
She looked up at me, obviously not going to tell me what they were. "Fine, I'll change in the bathroom." She began walking away, but I chased after her, grabbing the sheet.
I pulled, but she pulled back. "Tare, stop."
"Stop fucking calling me Tare. My name's Caycia."
We were fighting with the sheet, pulling. I walked closer towards her, towering over her. "I can call you whatever the fuck I want Tare. I'm not going to tell Zayn about what we used to be because I love my mate and I don't want to hurt him, but you need to tell me what those marks are." I was still towering over her, walking her backwards towards the wall. "Even though we're not together, we see each other on a daily basis, and we're going to have to be friends, so get used to being around me because love, I ain't going anywhere." By now she was right up against the wall and I used this to my advantage, pulling the sheet off from around her body.
She looked up at me, using her hands to cover her breasts. "Grow up Caycia. I've seen it all before." I had to admit, I was taken aback by her body, still surprised at how sexy I found her.
She rolled her eyes at me, using her hands to push me backwards, but I walked back towards her, pushing her back up against the wall. I squatted so I was at the height of her belly button.
My hands reached forward to touch the soft curve of her hips. She flinched at my touch, but didn't move away. I pulled at the lace straps of her panties, pulling them down enough to expose the marks.
I ran my hands softly over them, feeling each and every scar, imagining each and every cut. My mouth fell open, noticing just how many scars there were. My heart sank, realizing she had been cutting herself.
I realized that it must have been during the time when we broke up and when we'd just seen each other again. Thinking it over, it must have been at least a year ago, as all of the scars had healed.
"Does Zayn know about these?" I asked, wanting to know if they'd slept together. I mean, Zayn had told me they'd slept together, but who's to say he wasn't lying? I just needed confirmation.
"Yeah," she whispered.
I stood up, stepping back and sitting on the bed. There was a moment of silence as she walked towards me and sat beside me, not even bothering to cover up anymore.
"Why were you cutting yourself Tare?" I asked sadly.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said.
"You've known me for years. It's not like I'm going to tell anyone, Tarin. Just tell me why." I asked her softly, reaching out and holding her hand.
"I don't want to."
"Because it'll break my heart if I tell you . . ." she trailed off, squeezing my hand. She looked up at me, sadness in her eyes.
And suddenly it hit me, "is it because of me?"
Her head sunk and I knew exactly what the answer was.
"Why Tarin? You know I loved you," I said.
"Loved me? You broke my heart! I fell into a depression. I dropped out of university. I cut myself. You fucked me up Louis! Nobody would ever do that to someone they love." She said to me, surprisingly gently.
My heart broke into a million pieces, realizing what I had done to the woman I loved and still love, "I'm sorry. You know I didn't mean to, you know I'll always love you," I couldn't even look her in the eyes anymore.
She pulled her hands out of mine, grabbing the sides of my face, ignoring the fact that she was nearly naked, and looking me in the eyes, "Louis I know now that you didn't mean to. At first, of course I had a hard time, and this is what happened to me," she pointed to her cuts, her hair, her tattoos, "but it made me stronger. It made me the person I am today. And you should know that I'll always love you too."
She was crying, and I stared at her eyes, my heart wanting so badly to be with hers again. I wanted so badly to make love to her right now, to hold her in my arms once again but I knew she loved Zayn, I knew that I could never hurt my best mate.
"Can I tell you something?" she asked me.
I nodded my head, "of course love."
"It's about my tattoo, it's something I want you to know," she leaned back, pointing to her daisy tattoo.
I already knew that it was a sign of her love for daisies, but I never said anything, instead I continued to look into her eyes, listening to her.
"It's- I'm sure you remember that I love daisies, and that is one reason I got it, but there's another reason I got it," she took in a deep breath, calming herself.
What she said next I'll never in my life forget. I felt my heart come together again, feeling some hope that we'd one day be together again.
"I got it to remind me of the love I feel for you," she looked into my eyes, and my lips yearned to touch hers, "I'll never forget what we shared, how much I love you. I told you the other day that I don't love you anymore, but that's not entirely true. I'm not in love with you, but I'll always love you as my best friend, and my first love. That's just something that I can't deny. It's something that I can't let go of. I can't control it . . ."
And in a moment of selfishness I leaned forward again, crashing my lips upon hers. She kissed me back, fisting her fingers through my hair. I pushed her to lie on her back, still kissing her, our tongues in perfect rhythm.
Then I realized what I was doing and I ended the kiss, looking her in the eyes, "I'm sorry Caycia." I stood up, walking out the bedroom door and out the front door.
I opened my car door, and sat in it. That's when the tears began falling and my body began to rock from my sobs.
Never had I felt so heartbroken. Never had I wanted something so badly. Never had I felt so awful. I couldn't believe I was the reason for those scars. I was forever marked on her skin, but for all the wrong reasons.
I lifted my shirt, touching one of the tattoos I had inked into my skin. The tattoo which I had inked into my skin reminding me of my love for Caycia. Reminding me of what we had once shared.
I ran my fingers softly over the quote, the tears still streaming from my eyes. Sad that I hadn't the guts to tell her that she was forever inked into my skin, like I was on she.
For me you'll always be eighteen and beautiful, and dancing away with my heart
I cried even harder, remembering our first slow dance at graduation. The quote being lyrics from the song which we had our first dance to. Tears stained my shirt.
I wished so badly that things had turned out differently.
I couldn't help but think.
If only . . .