It had been two years since I'd seen her. I'd left so quickly, so unexpectedly. I never wanted to leave her, especially not in the way I had. We had something so unbelievably real. I knew I shouldn't be thinking about her, I knew that everything was so different now, but I still thought of her every now and then. I couldn't deny it, I still loved her, I was sure I always would.
I never contacted Tarin when I left. I never sent her any emails, I never called, I never sent any text messages. I even deleted my Facebook and Twitter, not wanting anything to do with everyone I'd met in America. The only person from America who I still talked to was Tyler, we'd share emails every now and then. We'd even mail each other packages every few months.
I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. My heart ached knowing that I'd broken her heart. I was being a dick by never calling her, but I knew it was for the best. If I had called her it would've hurt even more. It would be too hard to do long distance, and we'd have to break up again. It was just too hard, and it hurt me every single day.
I had no idea how Tarin was doing. I figured she was in university now. She probably had a new boyfriend. She was so beautiful . . . guys would definitely be all over her. I had to admit, I still missed her, but there was no way I would ever see her again. If I ever did see her, there was no way we'd ever date. There was just too much history between us.
Things were different at home too. When I arrived home, my mother sat me down and she told me the reason that I had to come back home in such a hurry. For days I sat in shock. My mind raced with thoughts of what would happen to my life. My life was completely different now. Everything was so different. I can't believe I left America . . . Tarin for this . . .
Having to walk away from her that night, hearing her soft sobs, was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. My heart broke into pieces and it took everything in me to not turn around and hold her in my arms. I wanted to wipe the tears from her cheeks, I wanted to hug her, I wanted to hold her. I didn't want her to cry. I felt like an asshole, and I'd regret it for the rest of my life, but it was the right thing to do.
When I got home, I cried for days. With our breakup, and the news that my mother gave me I nearly had a breakdown. My life just seemed to turn upside down, and there was nothing I could control about it. For days I sat in my room, I never shaved, I never showered, I barely ate. I just sat there, and I stared out my window, wishing I was back in America, holding Tarin in my arms. I missed her warmth, and I needed her comfort. But I knew I couldn't have it.
It was hard pretending to be fine . . . to pretend I was okay. To pretend that each and every day I didn't want to take a razor blade to my wrists, or swallow copious amounts of pills. There was a point where I knew I was depressed and suicidal, but I talked to someone before it got bad. I had a reason to be this way, I broke her heart and deep inside myself I knew that she'd never forget it. I knew a little piece of her would never get over it. I knew that a little piece of me would never get over it.
Now here I was. I had aged. I had grown up and I was doing my own things. I finally felt comfortable knowing that Tarin was a part of my past and she always would be. I wasn't going to go out of my way to try and contact her, it'd just be too painful. In fact, it'd be better for us to never cross paths again.
I had gotten over our breakup. I was finally over Tarin. However, a little piece of my heart still belonged to her. She was my first love, and that was something I couldn't change, although I didn't want to.
My new girlfriend was aware of Tarin. She knew the story of my first love, and how it so tragically ended in a flash. I mean, we'd been dating for a while now and she knew nearly everything about me. Everyone knew we were an item and we were comfortable with each other. She made me happy. For the first time since Tarin, I was smiling and I was okay with things.
She was my rock, she helped me to get over Tarin. She helped me fall in love again. She was like me in so many ways. I knew that we were great together. I hadn't felt so strongly about someone in a long time, although it wasn't the type of love I'd felt with Tarin.
This new girl made me feel calm. She is with me through everything. There is nothing that could break us.
For once in a really long time, I was happy, I was smiling, I was okay. I didn't have to pretend anymore.
My past was no longer a worry. It felt as though I had a new beginning, a fresh start if you will . . . It was just what I needed.
I was looking forward to the future and what it held for me and my new girl.