Anger starts slowly. Its one of those things that creeps up inside you and doesn't leave. It stays, it builds up, and then you explode. You can't stop it, either. Its one of those things that stays with you forever -- like an addiction. You can forget about it- even try to recover from it- but in the end it always comes back.
It can't be compared to an addiction. That's the problem. It is an addiction. You eventually crave the feeling of the anxiety burning every inch of you, straight to the core. It feels like you're stuck under ice, and nobody can hear you as you're stuck under there drowning. Everything becomes intense, and once the water chokes you and you're done- the pain is relieved. The anger is the ice, and all of your true feelings is the one drowning. Everything is covered by the anger- it always wins.
I feel like if Bella were to be on top of the ice, watching me drown: she would help. Break the ice and pull me out - pull out all of the anger. She already has; starting to at the least. I'm one arm in, one arm out. She's holding on to me, shes holding on to the last string of hope that there might actually be a way to end all of this. I don't want that way to be letting the anger drown my real feelings. I don't ever want to let go.
Theres something different about Bella. Most girls, they don't know anything. I'm just a boy who likes to play rough, and they're just a one night stand. She on the other hand, doesn't put up with it. That's not the kind of thing she wants. She would rather just sit in quiet and be held. Is that what everyone is like? It seems so nice, the ability to not have to worry about getting hurt. It seems a lot nicer.
I want everything to be a mutual feeling. I want her to know I'm getting things under control on my own. "Baby steps," she always says. But is that enough? Progression can't be timed like that. Things need to be done. I don't want Bella to have to wait around on me, I want her to be able to do things she wants, without having to worry about me. Thats all I really want.