Since that day I spent with the boys, back in May, bootcamp started. It was not at all what I expected. It wasn't exactly easy at first but it wasn't completely brutal.
I would still get texts from all five numbers. Most of the time our texts would end before I could figure out which one it was. That one number that sent me the "You look adorable when you blush" would only send me cute adorable things, the one I got today when I woke up was one of the more adorable ones.
I miss your smile
I replied but never got an answer. I was really hoping he would, but after a day of my vocal touter yelling at me to get off my phone, there was only my reply.
Today was a day I really didn't have a lot going on. I decided to start up a video diary. I mean I loved when the boys did theirs, and since they were my reason for being here in the first place.
"Hello everybody. Well, this is it. I am here in the house. I know I am nothing compared to the boys, but I am here today because of them." A few tears slipped down my cheeks.
"Sorry, I just never thought that I would ever be good enough to actually be here. Well I've made it, and I hope that things will go well, I mean they are so much better than I will ever be. I mean I am just a fan who felt inspired by them." I dried my face off.
"Well, I'll check in next week, and if you have a question for me, post it in the comments. Until next week." I turned off the camera.
After a little editing, I posted it to youtube. I turned off my laptop, and went to my room. Lexi hadn't texted or called me since I left. I really miss her.
It was getting late, and I was about to fall asleep without having supper. As I was about to start sawing logs, my phone went off. Another text from the boy who really seems to have a thing for me.
You did good for your first video diary, but please don't cry. It doesn't go well with your beautiful eyes
You always know how to make me smile, but I would thank you properly if I knew who you were. ~Josh
But again no reply. I wish he would just tell me which one he is. I have no clue which one it is, I mean it could be any of them. I know Louis wasn't the nicest when we first met, but he is still sweet on the inside.
The weeks went by and bootcamp was over, and shortly after every video diary was up loaded I would get a text and each one trying to give me more confidence. It wasn't exactly working well. I mean sure he is one of the five reasons I'm here, but with all the hate building up from their fans, it didn't help.
I had a good run through bootcamp and I didn't expect to fall into the final 16 to go to the judges' homes. I have always thought down on myself. I mean growing up being bullied in school, not exactly a self motivator, and divorced parents on top of that. Not a very fun life.
I updated my video diary, live, that day.
"Hey everybody. Well this is it, I have made it to the final 16." I smiled really big. "How about I answer some of your questions from last week's video." I pulled up the questions, and started to scroll. I took a shaky breath. "It looks like most of you want to know why I am still here." I bit my lip to hold back the tears as I kept reading. "Why are you still doing these videos, it's not like one direction will like you, you are just a fake and an obsessed faggot." I read aloud, and couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
My phone went off. I didn't even have to look at it to know it was him. I wiped my eyes and held up my phone. "Sorry, this is one of the five reasons why I'm here." I opened the message, and read it out loud.
Don't let them get to you, you can't let this get you down, you deserve to be in the final 16, If they were true fans of mine, then they wouldn't do this to you.
A tear slipped down my face. "If you dont believe me here is the message." I held the message to the camera just so the number was out of the picture. "I don't know which boy it is, but what I do know is that when I am done here at the xfactor, I hope I will get to thank him personally. And who knows, maybe we could still be friends. Goodbye viewers." A tear slipped down my cheek before I ended the broadcast.
Usually I would ignore the messages from the boy who seemed upset with me, until I got this.
What are you doing? You have no right to play with his heart. He may be an adult but that doesn't mean his heart can take it.
Why do you have to this? ~Josh
Oh so now you finally decide to text me back? Where were you the first text?
Okay, look I get that you don't like me, but why do you think I am going to break someones heart? ~Josh
For the simple reason that you are american. Maybe I do like you maybe I don't, I haven't decided yet.
You really don't like me, I can tell, and that's okay. I mean I wasn't exactly Mr. popular back at school, but I figured that meeting you and the rest of the boys would be a fun time, but instead I ran off the bus in tears when it stopped back infront of my house... ~Josh
Look I'm sorry for being so mean, I just didn't want to see him get hurt.
I'm guessing Louis, and see who get hurt? I mean I am no looker, I have never had a bf, and if I did it would never be one of you boys, you are too perfect and I'm nothing... ~Josh
Look Josh, the truth is, as soon as you and Niall waked on the bus we all kind of liked you. We have talked about it, and we all think you would make a good bf, but one of them called dibs. ~Lou
I was utterly flustered, they all liked me. But wait I'm just a nobody, someone who would never be able to be with the likes of them, they are completely perfect in every way, and I'm just a screw up. How could one of them actually think of me as boyfriend material? Sure I have had my dreams of being their special "gal"(guy) but there was no way that it would ever come true. I have imagined myself with all of them except Niall, I mean we were so much a like, we both eat nonstop, we both have blonde hair(by choice), we both have divorced parents, and we both have an older brother. I guess I could never imagine myself with, well basically myself.
Louis, I just can't see that, you are all way out of my league and me, well I'm just a fan, a nobody, just another "fangirl" and that's all I'll ever be to one of you. ~Josh
Josh don't say that! If any fan deserves one of us it's you. I may have been hard on you, and may have said some hurtful things, but I just wanted to see if you would defend him. ~Lou
Are you kidding? I would defend anyone of you with my life, I don't care what people think of me, but if they start talking about all of you I can't hold it back. ~Josh
Then what was all that today? We all saw it. Thats why he sent you that text. Can't you see he cares about you, and apparently a lot more than you do. ~Lou
I was crying... I was crying because one of the things I read was 'Why are you trying to be like that fucked up boy band Fag Direction?' I can't stand it when people do such things. ~Josh
Yeah really. You and the boys are my everything, the entire reason I have had enough confidence to make it this far I have almost made it to the live show, and I am not backing down just because people hate me. ~Josh
Josh you are an amazing boy, hopefully we will get to see you on the show, and who knows maybe he will have the confidence to tell you how he feels by the finale. ~Lou
Thank you Lou it means a lot (>'-')> ~Josh
What is that? ~Lou
Its a hug, sorry, I get a little emotional, and there really isn't anyone here to hug... ~Josh
Oh, well in that case <('-'<) hear is your hug back :) ~Lou
Thanks Lou, wait is it okay if I call you that? ~Josh
Of corse it is, we are friends after all :P well ttly~Lou
Ttyl Lou, and tanks again I won't forget it. ^_^ ~Josh
Wow, theres one of the five numbers figured out, now if only I could figure out who the adorable texts are coming from.