I touched my necklace. The pendant was so beautiful and it reminded me so much of him.
I know now that even though we’ve only known each other for a month, I was deeply in love with him.
The pendant was a silver drum with diamonds surrounding it. He’d given it to me on our one month anniversary three days ago. I thought over my reaction. I had jumped up and down for joy, kissed him many times and even jumped on him. In exchange I had bought him an entire drum kit set from MusicWorld.
Today was the day I’d tell him how much I love him. I know it’s a huge step for one to take in a relationship but that’s how much he means to me.
“Hey babe,” I gave him a peck on the cheek as I sat down next to him on the park bench.
“Hey Aurora,” he muttered back as his warm chocolate brown eyes remained glued onto his fingers.
There was something off about him. He didn’t seem like the guy I knew. He wasn’t always this way. He’d usually be jumping up to hug me but today he wasn’t.
“Jay, babe. What’s wrong?” I asked as I placed a hand on top of his.
He refused to meet my eyes.
“Jay?” I muttered as I placed my fingers under his chin and forced him to look at me.
His brown eyes had lost its warmth. He definitely was different.
“Jay, talk to me,” I demanded.
What the heck was happening? Was he mad at me? What did I do?
“Jay babe,” I tried again. “You know you can tell me anything,” before I lost my courage I added, “I love you.”
The instant the words left my lips I regretted it because I felt him tense under my fingers.
A chill ran through my body and I dropped my hands form his face, letting it dangle loosely against the bench.
I watched, waiting for him to push aside my fears and say, “I love you too.”
But it didn’t come.
Only silence filled the empty space of the park.
“Jay?” I mumbled under my breath.
He had moved away from me, leaving 4 feet of bench between us.
“Jay is something wrong?” I whined.
He sighed as he watched an old couple passing by walking their dog.
You can practically feel the love between them.
Jay waited until they had reached the bench 200 meters away before he looked at me.
“You can’t love me Aurora,” he said in his sweet British accent.
The air was knocked out of me.
I stared at him imploringly.
“I can and I do,” I protested as I begged him with my eyes to believe me.
With his luscious silky brown hair perfectly styled and warm brown eyes it was a wonder that girls didn’t fall for him everyday. Plus he was a talented drummer that could drum any beat in the universe.
“Aurora,” he muttered...
“Jay I do okay.”
“We’ve only known each other for a month Aurora. You can’t love me already.”
“I do love you. I do,” I exclaimed, feeling him distancing himself from me.
“You think you do Aurora… but you don’t,” he argued.
“What exactly are you getting at?” I asked as I placed a hand on his arm.
He shrugged it off and scoffed.
“I think we should end this,” he replied as I tried to fight back my tears.
“What?” I cried out, taken aback by his words.
“What? Why? What did I do?”
“It’s not what you did A,” he started, “It’s what you’re gonna do. You're going back to New York next week. I don’t do long distance relationships.”
“Why not?” I demanded.
“They don’t work out.”
“We will Jay. We’ll make it work.”
“No we won’t,” he snapped then got up and stuffed his hands into his jean pockets.
“So this is it?” I asked.
“Yeah… I guess so. Bye A.”
Without another word, he walked away.
“Bye Josh,” I muttered under breath as the tears flowed freely down my face.
Why? Why did this always happen to me?
I love him… I might always love him… and now, I’d just lost him.
I touched my necklace again. The only reminder of him I had other than the pictures on my phone.
The pain of the heartbreak burned me.
As I got back into the hotel I headed straight for the bathroom, opened up the medicine cabinet, grabbed the razor and dug it deep into my flesh.
I really didn’t even feel the metal tear into my skin.
There were tears but not from the pain of the gash on my arm, but from the pain of knowing that I’d never see him again. Never be able to call him ‘mine’ again. I’d never get to see his smile again, feel his strong arms wrapped around my waist. I’d never touch him again.
Finally after remembering the day we met (which I’ll fill you in later about), I finally allowed myself to feel the gash on my arm.
I shuffled through the cabinet, grabbed some pills and downed it with a glass of water. I didn’t even check to see how many pills I’d pulled out.
But the feeling of something pulling under was instantaneous. Maybe I had taken too many.
I collapsed on the floor and gave in to the darkness beckoning me.
Maybe Josh would be on the other side? Finally I drowned in darkness…
The sound of Eminem rapping woke me up.
I looked around me confused.
How did I get here?
The bathroom was untidy and looked like a tornado had gone through it.
A bottle of prescription pills was lying down next to me, cap missing. I checked it and there was no pill inside.
Where had they all gone?
The next thing I noticed was blood on the sink, the cabinet and on the floor next to me. I followed the trail which led to me. I checked myself for any cuts. A huge gash was on my arm. The cut was really deep and was still red.
The next thing that hit me was the pain in my head. My head was throbbing like I had been beaten with a baseball bat over and over again last night.
The events of last night flooded me.
Josh had dumped me. He’d broken up with me.
If only I had died from blood loss. Maybe I should just make another incision. But this time I shouldn’t cut my arm. I should run a blade into my thigh. Where the femoral artery was located. If severed, a human would bleed out in a very short time. In a short time I could leave this world, where me and Josh weren’t meant to be. I grabbed the blade and removed my jeans, ready to run the blade into my inner thigh.
Suddenly I heard Eminem rapping again.
Oh crap it’s my phone. I got up and limped over to my Blackberry in my Pierre Hardy bag.
“Uh… hey,” I answered into the phone.
“Aurora?” I heard my friend Denver say.
“Den?” I asked. “What are you doing?”
What I really wanted to say, ‘why are you interrupting my suicide attempt?’
“Hey girlfriend,” she exclaimed, like nothing was wrong. “Whatcha doing?”
I scoffed. Like she’d expect me to be killing myself.
“You haven’t called me in two days,” she stated. “I was getting worried.”
“Wait,” I began, “I just called you yesterday.”
“No Rora,” she argued. “You called me on Tuesday. It’s Thursday silly.”
“It can’t be Thursday. It’s Wednesday.”
“It’s Thursday silly. You might just forget the day since you’re hanging with Jay.”
My heart beat faltered as I heard my heart break.
“Rora?” Denver asked. “You still there?”
“Mhmm,” I mumbled. “Jay… uh… he broke up with me.”
I heard her gasp.
“What?” she exclaimed. “He did not.”
“He did Den.”
“Well… girl … I’ll be over in 20. We’re going clubbing.”
“No Den… You know I don’t do that scene,” I said.
“Rora… you are today… You need a pick me upper and Jay’s history. Let’s go have fun,” she said.
“Fine. Call me if you change your mind. I’ll be there in ten if you do. ‘Kay?”
“Yeah… Thanks babe. Bye.”
“Bye… Love you.”
I hung up and scrolled through my phone.
Nine missed calls from mom. Eight from dad. And the surprise, twelve from Josh.
I called mom and dad, told them I was fine, just through a bad day. I said bye then let them know I was coming home in three days and to relax.
Then I got up and headed for the shower.
After two days of lying on the bathroom floor, I was a stinking mess.
It took me an hour in the shower as I washed away the blood and cried some more.
My suicide plans had been averted because I knew that there were others in the world that loved me for me.
I got dressed, put on some make up and rummaged my fridge for anything good to eat.
I tensed, a bag of chips between my teeth as I heard ‘Irreplaceable’ by Beyonce playing from my phone.
There was only one person that I’d set that ringtone in for.
My phone went silent suddenly, only to ring again a second later.
I rushed to my phone, ignored his call and just sent him a text.
J: I need 2 talk 2 u…
J: Just answer ur fone.
A second later my phone rang again.
I ignored it. But it continued on for ten more minutes.
Beyonce had sung her song three times by then and it was really getting at my nerves.
“WHAT?” I screamed into the phone as I answered it.
“I just wanted to see how you were,” he replied.
I wasn’t expecting his voice to make my heart jump and quicken it’s beating.
“Why?” I gritted my teeth as I tried to hide my pleasure that he wanted to check up on me.
“C’mon A,” he said, “Let’s just be friends.”
"What? No Jay?” he asked because for the month we’d known each other I’d always call him ‘Jay’ not ‘Josh’.
“Shut up,” I snapped. “Now I’m fine.”
“I hope we can get past this A.”
“Whatever,” I muttered.
“I want you to move on and get someone better,” he said.
“Why do you care?”
“Because I have and I want you to also.”
“You have?” I asked shocked although I knew I shouldn’t be.
Josh was a hunk and many girls would kill to have him.
“Yes A. Her names Bec,” he replied.
“Great for you Josh. Bye,” I hung up.
I didn’t want to here how perfect, pretty and nice Bec was.
Whatever she might be, I had lost to her. She had Josh while I was sitting here trying to commit suicide for him.
I wouldn’t be surprised if hadn’t even batted his lashes at the news of my death.
I was just another American that had fallen under his British-ness (if that’s even a word).
I was just another chink on his belt of women.
Ignoring the bag of chips I had grabbed, I went to my room, grabbed out a low cut, fitting black dress that I had gotten from Forever 21 and texted Denver.
A: Still up for nyt out?
D: Yea :) … B there in 10