when you're alone


1. when you're alone


I hate seeing you sad and knowing there’s nothing I can do about it. People say the same thing every time; ‘I love you. You’re beautiful. Why are you sad?’ But they may as well be silent, for their words don’t heal, they don’t change the situation or make you feel any less sad. Sometimes I think the best thing to do in that situation is to sit with the person who is lonely and hold them and just be there for them, so they feel less alone.

I wrote you a letter that you can read whenever you’re sad and think of me and hopefully, feel less alone.

I think you are beautiful and not just in the conventional sense. You are good looking, of course, but it is your soul which is the most beautiful. I count down the seconds in between the times we meet but nothing ever distracts me from the fact that I am missing you and wishing to be with you again. When we are together I could run and jump and dance with joy and happiness but I’m afraid you will think me silly and others would think me insane I’m sure.  When we talk my heart beats so hard I swear it’s going to jump right out of my chest, but it never does, and I try to calm my breathing but it never really works. Imagine what I’m like around you.

You occupy most of my thoughts and when I’m not thinking of you, the wind whispers your name and it echoes all around my house. Ever since this began I have had a one track mind, like a stuck record but I don’t mind. I could write you a ten-page letter, writing on both sides in the tiniest writing I can imagine without screwing up my eyes to read it but I doubt a fraction of that would ever show what I feel for you or depict it accurately.

I want to write you a speech and stand at the top of the tallest building in this town and declare it with a microphone, so everyone can hear it. I want to scream lovely phrases into your ear canal over and over and press them into your skin with my thumb and lips, but I’m afraid even then you may not ever realise exactly what this is and how much you mean to me. Things such as ‘I love you’, ‘I miss you,’ ‘You’re lovely,’ ‘Please stay.’

They say some things can never be described fully and maybe they are right. Maybe some things are better existing in the imagination or in memory, because when you try to put them to paper the words escape like birds out of a cage. They also say that actions speak louder than words and if this action was a sound it would be the most deafening noise I’ve heard.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I think you are wonderful and I hope you never have a reason to be sad.

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